| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Please help me think straight. Myself and my Girlfriend broke up 2 weeks ago - i moved to my mothers, she moved to friends and then back to the home. She decided it was time to end the relationship because the 'spark' had gone - We have seeing each other for 7 years and we moved out together 4 years ago and bought a home. In that time our sexual activity had all but ceased and we don't communicate our feelings or make time for both - i became distant and withdrawn to my hobbies and interests she spent more time with her friend who has a young family i am 31 she is 28. But our bond is so strong.I was frustrated and broached the subject on many occasions but to no avail. eventually we just settled into a routine and sailed on until now...her friend has recently had a new baby to whom she is Godmother , as have our neighbours and she has become obsessed with starting a family and getting married. I have been honest with her saying that i would love to get married but i could not marry her without our issues being resolved. I suggested relationship counselling but She is afraid to see a counsellor or any 3rd party for help. i feel she may have got frustrated and cornered into this decision in an attempt to call my bluff or as a cry for help.We've been split for 2 weeks, the house is up for sale, and communication has been small. we are destroying the relationship from the inside out and i don't want thisI am heartbroken and i love her so deeply it hurts - though i may not always show it -we talked on the phone last night and we discussed everything for the first time it felt great to hear us talk like adults and with such care it made me sob she relayed her feelings too in which she is scared of the future on her own but unable to sort her feelings for me without space. I told her that i used to believe that she had Sexual problems and lost her libido and in time so did i, but i am afraid that the truth maybe that she lost her attraction to me long ago but saw me as a warm blanket and safety net over the years, afraid to leave - She's had problems with my family and even her own, she's been through at least 5 jobs with 1 year unemployed - she always meets someone at work she has a problem with or feels that bullies her. She'd come home stressed and tired all the timemoody and irritable - sometimes needy - sometimes cold - classic depression symptoms.But could this have been her outlet for her diminished attraction to me or am i just paranoid?Because of the lack of intimacy i developed an obsession with her weight in a futile effort to 'perfect' her so as to kickstart both our desires - and this only led to knocking her self esteem. i was totally misguided and blinded and the truth is i love all of her all the time. Its taken this tragedy to make me see.I love her so much and i know deep down she loves me too but is this relationship over? or should weshake the foundations and live apart to get perspective and maybe start againI don't want to lose her, our life or the house but i'm afraid that familiarity will breed contempt again.I am nervous of both outcomes because i would be always afraid of a simple problemwrecking the relationship all over again. I am afraid that time apart could dissipate the relationship for good.We have discussed a 'waiting' period for each other but can it ever be fair to each others chances of a better life? if we feel that things should go that way - one of us may move on faster and leave the other to sorrowshould we act now - or take time to heal and build again?help me to find the way forward in my heart - I would value all insights.
View related questions:
at work, broke up, heartbroken, libido, move on, moved out, neighbour, period, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (4 October 2006):
 She has told you she want's time and space to sort out her feelings for you which you should allow her to do as her getting back with you now may cause you to just be used as like you said a safety blanket so she doesn't end up alone.
If she loves you and wants to be with you she will come back and fight for your relationship but be prepared this time apart may cause her to realise she doesn't feel what she use to for you and want to move on alone.
Either way if it was me I would have to wait and give the time and space to see the outcome as walking away I would always wonder what if they had realised I was what they realy wanted or what if I'm fooling myself to believe we could have tried and now no closure as I never really found out they didn't want me anymore.
Good luck :o)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2006):
My opinion is that it is hard to think straight when you are in the middle of things. It was two weeks ago, you are back at your parrents with nothing going on, you are watching the house be sold and having long sobby talks on the phone with her.
In Life as in Art, perspective is everything.
You are right up against the situation... its in your face ever day. Thats why you can't think straight.
You need some distance. I'd recommend that ou pick a spot on the map and go there. Go take a vacation somewhere. Vegas, fishing in Canada, hiking, whitewater rafting, whatever. Go somewhere where you arent reachable and you have no way of acting on your every impulse (like driving by the house).
Take the trip- thats what credit cards are for.
...............................
|
