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male
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anonymous
writes: How do I tell my girlfriend that being together ALL the time may not be such a healthy thing? Not counting work, I can't be away from her for more than a few hours. She gets very upset and starts asking "Why don't you want to be with me?" or "Why do you want to be apart?". I want to go the gym and maybe visit a friend or two, no more than six hours tops, but she has a nervous breakdown if I tell her that. I don't know how to deal with it, please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): I can understand your girlfriend's worries. Have suffered from insecurity and low self esteem myself and have worried if a boyfriend had said he wanted to see friends or have a night in on his own. BUT with my new boyfriend, I actually like having nights away from him because he is so much more affectionate when we do meet up. During the weeks when we see each other every night, we end up getting niggly sometimes but if we have 2 nights off in a row, when we next see each other, we are all over each other, being very sweet and loving. We will still chat on the nights we arent together but I don't now feel that overwhelming need to be together 24/7. Im quite lucky as we dont see each other on Wednesdays (he has his kids stay over then) and then every other weekend when he has his kids I will make sure I have plans on one of those nights with my friends. He then once a month will make plans with his mates on his weekend without the kids. Its working out fine and it is definately a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder. And it means neither one of us are neglecting our friends.I dont really know what to suggest. My boyfriend always used to tell me he had plans (never creeped to me or apologised for it) and I just accepted it though I did use to make comments. He would then turn it around and say would you prefer I cancelled my friends to be with you to which I of course said no. Now Im not worried anymore. I appreciate the times we arent together and when I know he is going out with friends or I am, I can just look forward to the next time I see him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Not only follow the advice everyone else has given, but point out to her that SHE needs time to herself, too! Because in fact she does. Emphasize that "honey, wouldn't you enjoy going out with the girls, go shopping, take in a movie, have dinner etc., with them?"You may need to be a little persistent in selling her on this. Let her know you have a life of your own, and you expect her to have one, too. You like her, but its not normal to be together all the time in this way....good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2006): Your girlfriend is very insecure and immature. Her approach is a control mechanism to get you to do what SHE wants. You need to tell her that you are faithful and monogamous, that you care for her and love her, but that you will spend time with your friends, at the gym, take a night course, etc. Do not give in, or you will be enabling the behavior and it will only become worse. This is a "make or break" scenario, and unless you want a lifetime of misery I suggest you nip this in the bud. Be firm, but loving.
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male
reader, Muscles +, writes (30 July 2006):
Its definatly insecurity going on here, my girlfriend was the same. What she doesn't realise is that she is pushing you away slowly and one day she might push that little bit more and you might move on.
Its obviously driving you crazy which is why you have decided too get advice on this site.
You need to explain too her that you need time to yourself and that you do love her and that she is the one for you and you are committed. If she still does not listen then you need to tell her straight that you enjoy spending time alone or with others and the fact you keep overeating is going too drive me away. You have to be mean sometimes its good, and if she gets upset and decides to leave you then obviously she wasen't meant too be, or wasen't worth you're time.
The problem with girls especially when they're insecure they can suffocate you, and poush you too much into doing things you're not ready for. My girlfriend after only 2 months started saying 'when we get married do you think we'll get married there...' etc and i used to think 'oh my god, what am i doing?' she got that impression and has stopped. If shes a decent girl then she will definately get over it soon.
Good luck ...
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 July 2006):
 She's insecure. She thinks if you leave her that it means your affection is fading. Ironically, the longer she does this, the more it gets on your nerves and the more likely she is to drive you away from her.
You need to explain to her that healthy, normal relationships don't require a couple to be together all the time. Tell her, that, just as importantly, *you* need time to yourself in order to clear your mind and enjoy the company of others.
The answer to "why don't you want to be with me?" is, "I do want to be with you, but I also need time away, so I can appreciate how much I care for you. Being on my own, or with friends, lets me reflect on us. And it lets me miss you, so I want to come back."
You might ask her to think a little deeper about her terror that you'll go, too, if you think she's self-aware enough to consider it. What's the worst thing that could happen if you leave her? Well, she'll be back to the point she was at, just before you met. And she was fine at that time, right? So even the Worst Case Scenario doesn't mean she'll fade to nothing.
(Don't talk about that if she's too clingy and/or not given to deep thought, though. It'll just terrify her that you're preparing to leave. It's more a point for you to have in the back of your mind.)
Think about your behaviour, just in case it's not exemplary. Are you sure that you make her feel loved when you're together as a couple? Do you include her in social groups as often as you can? Do you let her know where you are if you're going to be arriving late?
Ultimately, there's not a lot more than that you can do. The problem is inside her head. As long as you're affectionate and attentive when the two of you are together -- do be sure that you're both affectionate and attentive and not taking her company too much for granted, when you're together -- she'll learn eventually that her entire world doesn't have to revolve around you.
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