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female
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*onfused39
writes: I think my boyfriends ex wife is trying to get back with him. I met my boyfriend 2 yrs ago when he had been asked to leave his family home by the police whom his exwife called when they were having an argument over their little girl and the fact that his ex wife had bitten her. He has had a terrible time in the last 2 yrs between going to court for the separation, not having access to his children and being arrested in front of his children for bringing his son who was asleep into the family home (on the rare occasion that he did get to see them). I have been through so much with him and have been there every moment he needed me. His exwife has done some terrible things to him. But I allowed him to move in with me and my kids because he was homeless and fell head over heels in love as he says he did with me. We have had our ups and downs but more ups than downs and get on so well together. My children adore him and he does them. The problem is I have always encouraged him to try to get back on speaking terms with his exwife for the sake of his children and now that he has been able to buy his own house (the judge ordered the family home to be sold) he is spending more and more time with her and she is continuously getting tickets for herself, my boyfriend and their kids to go different places together. She is continuously on the phone to him and he gets in touch with her a lot too (more than he admits to me). Over the last 2 yrs I have spent lots of time with his kids and think the world of them, but am now being left out in the cold. I listened to a voice message from her last night about going swimming together with the kids (he hadnt told me about it) and her voice really said it all. Her tone has completely changed towards him. I have tried to talk about it to him and gets all defensive but maintains that he loves me very much and does not want to get back with her - its all for the sake of the kids. He doesnt seem to understand how I feel at all even though he has spent more time with her and his kids than he has with me this week. I dont want to push him back to her or away from me but I need to try to make him understand how I feel. The last 2 yrs has always been about him and his feelings of desperation and it seems very selfish of him that he is now cutting me out of the picture without thinking how I must be hurting. Do you think I should give him space and tell him I want a break until he sorts out his feelings or try to be as nice to him as his exwife is and supportive, because surely her niceness cannot continue - shes just not that sort of person. All his family think she has something up her sleeve and he will only get hurt by her again, but how do I make him see this without appearing to be jealous and possessive. I was so happy for him when she started to allow him to spend more time with his kids but it all seems to be backfiring in my face. Sorry for being long winded!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): Dear, you do have some valid concerns. Firstly, you letter is a good reason why I am always telling men and women to never start a relationship with anyone...too soon after their new beloveds, leave a marriage. I'm worried because he doesn't understand your concerns and he keeps doing this, anyways. He needs to learn to say a final good bye to her, without compromising his own relationship with his kids. Sadly, by now, since he is with you, his marriage needs to have closure. If he is not able to do that, then, he may not be finished grieving this former marriage. The ex-wife is not allowing closure for herself either. Grief recovery from a marriage with children takes a long time for some people.
I think you need to consider some very important factors here. I do feel he still has some feelings of attachment for his ex-wife. If you continue in this relationship, will you be able to continue trusting this man, knowing this?
Trust is essential for a healthy relationship for intimacy, communication and love to grow. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. If you are having doubts now.... those doubts will not evaporate, over time. The more he is exposed to his ex-wife like this, the more your self-doubts will grow. I am seeing a man who is hesitating about ending his connection to her. Dear, as a result, you do have good reason to doubt his love for you. You will always feel like you are playing second-fiddle to the ex-wife. Can you honestly live like this and just hope. In a nutshell, If this man truly loves you then he needs to prove it by ending the relationship with his ex. Although you sound like a good, loving woman who understands his need to be with his kids...his persistance at being involved with the ex-wife will cause you to always dealwith jealousy and mistrust, which will lead to further resentment and bitterness.. You can begin by sitting him down and telling him your innermost feelings, in a loving calm way. Let him know how this is hurting you. By doing this this you are setting a boundry and letting him realize that 'you' are his beloved now..his number one priority. After talking with him and you find he is still caught up with feelings for his ex, then accept he won't be able to end it, then your on;y reciurse may be to end the relationship with him. I am sorry this has happened to you. It does sound like your bf was not ready for a new love relationship. He's having a hard time breaking the ties.
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