A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married 27 years to my high school sweetheart and we've had our good and bad times in our relationship.I've tried to leave multiple times through the years for different reasons but have no family and always felt alone and that I couldn't break the chains. Two years ago we had a horrible event happen in our family with our son that pushed me to a breaking point and push our marriage to a very stressed level. I looked for comfort outside our relationship and found it in someone I had known for many years. We have fallen in love and just can't see enough of each other. I don't want to hurt my husband but I'm hurting him every day by loving someone else. I'm afraid my children will hate me and keep my grandchildren from seeing me and so I stay but I'm miserable. I know it's wrong of me to love someone else. I grew up in a Christian home and I believe that divorce is wrong but I desperately want to be with this other man and it's crushing me every day but I don't want to be the one to file for divorce. You can call me all kinds of names, I'm not a tramp, this wasn't something I planned on happening, it just did and now I'm hurting both men every day and myself and I'm afraid of hurting my kids and I just don't know what to do because I've always tried to make everyone else okay but this situation has me wanting to go against my beliefs but yet I love the other man. I love them both. I've been seeing a counselor for a year and I still cannot get the strength to walk out the door. What is wrong wtih me?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Hopefully it's not too late to chime in here.
Based on your age and the length of time you've been married it's probably a safe bet that you have spent most, if not all, of your adult life putting the wants and needs of your family ahead of your own.
You are so accustomed to doing it you don't even notice it anymore, and your family just assumed that was what a wife and mother was supposed to do.
Instead of overwhelming yourself with a major life change, start small. Pursue some of your safer/smaller goals. Take up a hobby, enroll in a class, go out more often on your own and with women friends. Doing SOMETHING positive empowers you, and it gives you time to consider other options before making any big changes.
It also gives your family time to adjust to the new you, to see you as a person with goals and ambitions of her own, not just as a mother whose only reason for existing is to be there for them. And it gives them a chance to see that they don't need to compete with your ambitions for your attention. There is still room in your life for them.
You wouldn't prepare for a 5 mile marathon by sitting on a couch talking to a therapist for a year. You'd run smaller marathons and work yourself up to the big one.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Would you want to leave if there was not this other man?
why is this other man so powerful over you?
what do you need to leave? are you sure you want to leave?
ending a marriage no matter what is hard.
a lifetime of marriage is harder.
how old are your children? do they know you are unhappy?
I know more... questions than answers..
all rhetorical for you to think about
KIDS want their parents happy.
I was 25 when my folks seperated (temporary) and I was married and pregnant with their first grandchild. I was like.. "I'm going to come from a broken home"... but I would have adapted and still loved both my parents had they not reconciled....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): you can't divorce your husband without causing your kids some pain and hurt. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it. It's not wrong or bad to hurt people, if it's done because of being honest and facing the truth.
If not-hurting people requires that you lie to them in a major way. I'm not talking about little white lies like "yes I think your dress looks nice" I'm talking MAJOR lies amounting to fraud which is what it is when you keep together a family unit pretending it is what it is not.
it's far better to show your children that it's more important that people be honest with each other and solve problems rather than pretending they don't exist. Show them it's more important to live with honesty and integrity and truth, than to keep up appearances deceptively and hide from truth. Show your children that family will always be family even if some people are no longer married to other people. You will always be their mother. their father will always be their dad. If you get remarried, they will now have a whole new set of family members too. It happens. It can work, lots of people have made it work and are making it work so why shouldn't you expect the same for yourself.
An unhappy family is a source of distress and dysfunctional teaching for kids which they often carry into adulthood. So even if you stay married it doesn't mean you're not hurting your kids.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): speak to your children individually, you may find that they are aware of your unhappiness and that your portrayal of a happily married parent isn't fooling them.
you may find that they would prefer a happier less stressed and depressed mother who just happens to no longer live with dad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): 1.Your incident that you mentioned ( and im certain once you post an update with the true nature of it) this will indicate why you turned to another man for sex and comfort.2. You say you are in counselling: why hasnt your therapist evaluated your affair? Or is it that you were not honest with him/her? If you were honest and there has been no help from the therapist then its time to change to a proper one3. Your kids: they deserve a right to have a say in who they allow into their lives and who remain in their lives. When they find out about you and your lover they have a right to either accept you with your lover or they will choose not to have anything to do with you. Just as you have chosen your lover over your husband, your kids have a choice who they allow to have in their lives. Respect them at least by Respecting their choice.4. Your lover: is this his 1st affair? Did he not know you were married when he started getting fresh with you? Did he even care about your marital status?5. Your Husband: after 27 yers dont you think its time for you to stop playing games with his life. He deserves a faithful wife and since you have chosen our lover instead of your hb, respect him enough to release him from this farce of a marriage. He deserves a chance at happiness, dont you think so?6. Your affair just did not happen: it was a deliberate choice that you made. you invested in the sex and lust (?) With the other man at the expense of your hb and marriage. Be crystal clear on this. An affair is a choice and a deliberate action. Hun u are not a victim, u are neither a martyr so stop with the emotional roller coaster and do something about the lies, half truths and running around. It stops now and when u look at yourself in the mirror, Ask yourself: what have i become AND why? Your affair was not a chance thing, it was a culmination of your relationship with your lover. U have received excellent "tactful" advice by All. Im certain the harsh eye opener comments were blocked to spare u a rude awakening. If a Man had done what u are doing, trust me, the responses would have been so very different. So make peace with your affair situation, you throwing away the 27 years, your kids and grandkids. Actions have consequences and now u are about to find out the aftermath of your choice.Read your story again: can u now see the gaps, can u now see the misplaced sincerity, can u now see the "victime/martyr" mentality, the final nail in the coffin? OP u need to see the harsh reality of your affair. U say u cant get enough of your lover: surely life is so much more than sexual lust? Have u thought of asking yourself WHY u have gone down this path? I read of a woman in denial who who Not grasped the previous traumatic event in her life.Be sure when you leave your husband, its for good: not a trial seperation but a divorce. U need to release your husband fully because he deserves a chance to heal and move on after this betrayal. Why have you changed so much? That honour, integrity and faithfulness now are mere words. You need to see this affair from all angels especially the devastation of your husband and kids. BUT they will survive and they will heal. I hope your life with your lover is all u have fantasied about. I would not want u to destroy a long standing marriage for Nothing.Be careful of your choices. Sometimes there are no second chances...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): If your really as unhappy as you say you would have left a long time ago. I would end this relationship with the other man and start focussing on healing yourself as whatever happened with your son has affected your marriage. You and your husband need to deal with this and then you can reevaluate whether you want to stay in this marriage or not
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): I understand your situation. I went to a counsellor and she helped me realise that I had, already, paid "too high a price" to keep everyone else happy. In the end the fact I was trying to make everyone else happy whilst being very depressed myself made me physically ill. This was the wake up call I needed - though I don't recommend it. You cannot maintain a double life for long. Could you proceed with a half-step towards divorce. Perhaps a trial separation? A period of time of reflection - a long holiday / charity venture overseas / time away? Negotiating with your husband that you are unhappy and you need to work things through yet honouring your beliefs may help you make the right decision. During this time perhaps try and cool things a little with your other man - so that you can fully evaluate the situation on neutral ground. Test your true feelings. Your children will love you whatever happens - yes they may be hurt but we cannot live out other people's ideals at the expense of our own joy. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): Your counselor should be helping you figure this out.
The affair is just a symptom of the disease.
You are hurting people now, the question is why? Nobody here can give you better advice than a counselor, and if your counselor is not helping then you need a new counselor first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2011): It takes courage to face down your beliefs and question them. In this case the religious belief that divorce is wrong. However, I doubt that the purpose behind those religious d"divorce is wrong" doctrines is because the goal is to make everyone miserable by not allowing people second chances. Do you really think this is the purpose behind your religion's view on divorce, which is to make people miserable forever? Really question your beliefs and where they come from, and think for yourself what the spirit of the law is, not just blindly accept a doctrine without examining what its purpose is, and whether that applies to you.
Basically you're afraid to divorce because you're afraid of being painted the bad guy, both by your family and by yourself.
So you stay married, trapped in an impossible situation. Either hurt other people, or live a lie knowing that your marriage is a source of deep unhappiness and if you never divorce, then this will last the rest of your earthly life. I think only when your unhappiness in your marriage gets bad enough will that spur you to make a change.
Is there a way to divorce without hurting your husband and children? No. Is that a reason to continue to stay married? No, in my opinion. Like you said, you're already hurting your husband even though you're still married to him. Does it do your children favors to lie to them and basically make them live your lie as well?
I think you need to make the decision that you will leave your husband, and then focus your energy on how to do it with integrity and while supporting your children.
Making a major life change is never easy. It requires courage. Courage doesn't mean not feeling afraid, it means proceeding anyway despite the fear.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 November 2011):
 One life you have, what will you be thinking on your death bed. Kids like happy parents. Only you and you alone can decide which way to live your life for the best. A life full of regrets, is a life that has been wasted. No matter what we say, you already know what you've decided to do.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (15 November 2011):
 You married your high school sweetheart for 27 years then all of a sudden you're in love with someone else. Well it has happened consciously or unconsciously and now you have to deal with it. You can't just leave because even you know the kids will never understand and your believe won't let you go either. You made need to lead a double life for now. Its a great feeling to love and be loved. You're probably going to keep seeing this other man no matter what anyone says. Its the connection you're feeling towards him and right now you need him more than anyone of us can understand. How long can you keep up with this? You need a time limit then you should make a choice.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Let's face it, you are going to hurt people by leaving your marriage. There is no way to sugar coat this or make any easier for anybody involved.
The reason why you can't leave or haven't yet, is you know this. Deep down, you know it is going to hurt your husband and the reality is, your children will undoubtedly be negatively affected by this. Also, who knows what sort of wreckage this will cause when your husband finds out what you've been up to and what sort of stories he may tell the children.
There is no magic answer to your question. I think you need to decide if the price of freedom warrants the pain that you will cause others. You can continue with what you are doing and hopefully you can get by until the children are old enough, or you take your lumps and take your chances with your new boyfriend. I certainly can't answer your dilemma (nor should anyone else). But I do hope you think it through as best as you can and know that raising children and being in a marriage involves a lot of self-sacrifice and hard work.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (14 November 2011):
 You can't leave because you know you would devastate and decimate the lives of your closest loved ones - your children, and your husband.
So don't do it. Stay with them, love them, and be happy with them. If you have to sacrifice romance, it is worth it for the happiness of your children. That is your job as a mother. I firmly believe that. Kids don't care about your personal life. They just need you to be their mom. And they are right.
So draw some strength from this love that you have had with the other guy, but stay with your family. They love and adore you, and need you. They love you MORE. Be with them. You are theirs.
That is of course why your heart won't let you leave. So DON'T DO IT.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (14 November 2011):
 There are a few things that I want to address in this post so bear with me.You didn't note what the "horrible event" was in your family with your son, and I think that bears mentioning, because depending on what that event was, the actions you take afterward will mean different things, since tragedies affect people in different ways. But we can't seriously address that right now, because I don't know what happened. All I can say is that the emotional trauma that will affect everyone in your family cannot be ignored so easily and might take therapy to work through.Also...When you say you looked for comfort outside of the relationship and fell in love with another man, I want to note you saying something else. "this wasn't something I planned on happening, it just did". But I firmly disagree with you and here's why.You can't fall in love, in REAL love, with someone you don't know. You cultivated that relationship with a conscious decision that you made very clearly, every time you saw that person. You could have avoided that man, hung up the phone, blocked his number, never added him on facebook, or turned around and walked in the other direction when you saw him in person. But you did not. And every time you CHOOSE of your own free will to continue having contact with this other man, you got yourself deeper into this situation.So, to say that it 'just happened' is a fallacy. Love takes time to cultivate. You cultivated the relationship of your own free will. Take responsibility for your actions like a grown-up. Nothing, no relationship and certainly not True Love, "just happens". Ever.Another thing. Your children are going to be in pain regardless of what you do. You cannot stay with your current husband because you do NOT love him anymore. If you stayed with him, you would show your children that the sanctity of marriage is far more important than your emotional well being and love. Do you want them to get in a marriage where they did not love their spouse? I hope not. Please realize that they are fated to re-live the way you have modeled your own life, and if you want their lives to be happy, you need to make sure you first can have the courage to go after happiness with as much grace and dignity as you can, while minimizing the harm you cause other people.Yes, it will hurt them to divorce their dad. But it will hurt them more if you do not. In the end, you must suck it up, realize that what you're doing is wrong and take your lumps like an adult. Divorce your husband as GENTLY and quickly as possible. Do not drag it out and be a harpy, give him the clean and quick break he deserves. APOLOGIZE to your family, especially your husband and children. Multiple times, if need be.Then, when the smoke is clear, you are free to be with the other man.There is no easy way to do this. There is no way to do this that will cause no pain. But it is the right thing to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): Either way your kids are going to be hurt by the fact that there parents have broken up, it's just the way it always is unfortunately. Nobody knows how your kids will react, but you need to take care of yourself, and if the only way to do that is to end your marriage, then you need to do that. I am sorry that I can't give you any advice other than, there is nothing wrong with you, you just need to take care of yourself. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): Nothing is wrong with you. This would be a hard situation for anyone and I'm so sorry your going through it. I'm not what advice to give other than do what makes you happy and what you feel is right. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help but goodluck. I hope it all works out and that your happy.
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