| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have a serious problem with my father. He is a cynic who believes that nothing good can happen to him or his family (including me). So whenever I am happy about something or try to do novel things, he just scorns it and expresses his cynical attitude, making me feel hopeless about doing such things. For an instance, I asked for a bike and he said I would hurt myself by speeding up and having an accident. He would give examples to justify his cynical view. This thing continues.. I am optimist who loves to try out things and he keeps opposing me all the time. This tug-of-war between us leads him to try to control me at times and that has made me distant from him. In fact, I rarely speak to him now. The problem is, he is quite respected in my family by some people like my brother and some of my father's friends. He is sometimes a very kind person who selflessly helps people in need. But his controlling and imposing nature has made me frustrated and I almost insulted him about his thinking once in anger and said he doesn't exist for me anymore. I am now feeling guilty about it. What can I do to improve my relationship with him? As I know deeply he cares for me and so do I... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 August 2005):
 Your style of writing and your mature outlook suggests to me that you've over the age of majority. Therefore my first suggestion is to give your father some distance. I submit that it's time to move out of the family home and to stop relying on your dad for material goods.
Why did you feel that you should ask him for a bike in the first instance? Unless you're one of his dependants, you don't need his permission. Maybe you should go and buy one yourself, then demonstrate to him by your actions that his assumptions about you getting hurt are wrong. You can't do that if your actions are reliant on his bankroll.
Growing into a functional adult starts with accepting that those people you grew up thinking were flawless actually have their own problems. Your dad can be a pillar of the community and be respected by many people, and still have feet of clay. To me, it sounds like he does. But there's nothing wrong with that, because none of us is perfectly adjusted.
Accept that your father has his own opinions and realise that sometimes he'll be wrong. You don't have to argue with him about his opinions, either. Say something like "I can understand why you'd think that", then smile and keep your own thoughts on the matter to yourself. This avoids arguments and demonstrates maturity.
Because you're a young man, your father is still learning to respect that you have your own take on matters. He's probably more used to issuing orders and having them accepted as given. Now that you're a bit more worldly, you're a challenge to him. That's no reason to argue about things or to feel that you have to "tug" back, just because he feels like a tug-o-war. When he gives an opinion that's cynical or that you disagree with, you can say that you respectfully disagree, or you can say "OK, Dad", or you can say nothing. All are good alternatives to openly disagreeing and making everyone uncomfortable.
In time, your father will probably mellow and accept that you're as wise as he is in many ways. Even if he doesn't, you'll eventually learn that you can't change his outlook, so loving and respecting him means you have to accept his faults (or ignore them).
Start by giving you both some space, though. Time to make a stake on the world on your own, so that you have the resources to show him where you're right and he's not.
|
