A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,This is a bit of a long winded question, so please bear with me. a. How can I improve my travel savvy (world travel) and b. How can I stand up to my mom and start acting like a confident adultLast year, I went to India for a friend's wedding. It would have been fine except I had been having issues on and off for the past couple years (with the occasional panic attack) and it wasn't that bad so I hadn't really addressed it but when I went to India anxiety hit me HARD (dizzy, all kinds of physical scary symptoms,) and I thought I was actually sick but it was just the anxiety. So honestly, I feel like the trip was kind of a failure. I feel like I failed. I continued to have anxiety when I came back until I starting taking a low dose of meds and attended some cognitive behavioral therapy and now I am better off even than I was before the India trip. Anyway, I want to go back to India on a women's group tour, I feel like I need to try this again, but (not worried about the anxiety as much as) my lack of travel savvy, attention my surroundings, bargaining skills, sense of direction, trying not to get hit by non stop traffic, etc. And I want to go without my Boyfriend, who has great travel skills (and he is a GREAT, wonderful awesome boyfriend) but, MY MOM prefers he goes with me (as we went to Thailand recently) but I feel like that does not really count if he is with me (it says nothing about my personal travel savvy. Even in my late 20's, (I'm an adult for goodness sakes why can't I stand up to my mom) If I said I was travelling solo, I have a hard time standing up to my mom, who is a rather domineering personage, and she would go a little bat**** on me. I resent that she would expect my boyfriend to escort me just because I am female, which is why I wanted to at least sign up with a tour group for security reasons. (and btw my mom does not know that I have anxiety issues, she is just anxious as **** herself, In a different kind of way)This all has been really bugging me lately, to the point where I just google potential tour itineraries and pretty much forget to sleep. Can anyone psycho analyze me/give me sound advice? Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2015): I have had some anxiety problems myself and the worst thing you can do is start thinking you have 'failed' and obsessing about reedeming yourself. Do not compare yourself with other people because they haven't had your experiences and lived your life. There is no redemption because there is no failiure. You can't 'fail' at a trip! You just have a not so great experience or whatever, you still went and did it though, you've been to india,its done. What's the need to go back again alone. Spend the money on something else\new location. If travel concerns you why not try to do lots of short\cheap breaks whenever you can, even if not to a foreign country. I try to do a few breaks like this just to get changes of scenery and my boyf is foreign so we go to his country a lot too. I am glad of his company I would always choose to travel with him where possible. There is nothing wrong in going on trips with your boyf its completely normal and nice thing to be able to do. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and saying and 'judging' yourself by it.who says you have to stand up to your mum? What for? Go on a trip with your boyf do it your way and enjoy!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): good for you..you have found the culprit.now you need to disaacociate from her.she is jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend and also your mother and she is using her so called expertise to undermine you.i expect she likes to make out that she is more worldly than you ,but you need to remember that you have two good people in you life that dont include her and that is your mum and your boyfriend.you dont need to stand up to your mum as she is clearly on your side and you dont need to lose your boyfriend over this so called friend.let her carry on travelling in the style she likes,if she likes sleeping on stations and washing in station loos good luck to her but it wouldnt necessarily enhance your life.you would probably emerge with a load of memories you,d rather forget.you and the boyfriend can afford to stay in cheap hotels and i reccommend you do.this is no time to b sleeping on station floors and i am amazed that it would even be allowed in the current political climate.thats like trying to encourage you to shiver your arse off on a night of busking in winter when you and the boyfriend have tickets to see a good band .she sounds like trouble.as this post is about you we dont have to figure out her motivation but you can plainly see her methods.prioritise yourself and your boyfriend and stay friendly with mum.ignore her grand tales that are constructed to impress you and deviate you away from your own future.either dont listen to her nonsense anymore or just say 'how marvellous for you' but dont be tempted to follow in her troubled footsteps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): Thank you for this very insightful response..there is in fact an egotistical influence now that I think about it..there is a girl I know who has been to India multiple times and can adjust to anything even sleeping in train stations or crashing on stranger couches, and she has been many many places in the world with no issue whatsoever, and she was with me in India and got upset over my issues...and told me I cant handle anything, and rubs in her skills over mine, one time she said aww do you need a security blanket? So I had tried to bury her in my mind but I guess in a way I want to prove her wrong...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2015): ok i didnt expect your problem to be what it is but having read it i can see two issues both of which are confusing you.
The fact that you have a caring mum and a boyfriend is a wonderful thing and i dont think you need to push yourself to prove yourself to either of them.
it seems you take life extremely seriously and to some extent you doubt yourself so that you feel the need to prove yourself,but in reality you dont have to prove yourself to anyone
if i were a film maker making a film out of your life i am sure that you would make an absolutely charming subject and the audience would feel great empathy towards you.
What you see as your faults arent faults at all.
Many people suffer from travel anxiety and quite a few of them either refuse to travel for non essential journeys or go to the doctor for medical help to either sleep through the journey or to reduce the anxiety they feel,
you have chosen to grasp the nettle with cognitive therapy and that is remarkably insightful of you, but you are still picking holes in yourself and setting new and unnecessarry challenges for yourself.
i would personally suggest taking the holiday with the boyfriend again.
it is just because you will have memories you can share together later in life.
You can take photos and have them put on canvas and decorate your living space with them.
Travelling is a costly business and its just unnecessary and a bit over the top to go on a trip with a womans group to prove yourself.
Most of the group will be gobsmacked to think you abandoned your boyfriend to go on a group trip with them unless you were secretly hoping to have a female sexual encounter..not that sex is the reason for travel.
i remember when i was younger that a lot of written material was about encouraging women to go to bars alone so i took myself off on a solitary night out.
it was dreadful.i didnt enjoy it at all.
it was a monumental disaster and i stuck it out just determined to prove i could do it.
it was the antithesis of a good night out and i lost a boyfriend over it who assumed i was out on the pull.
The only thing i proved was that it is totally unnecessary to live up to false expectations of anyone at all and to add insult to injury i caught flue from standing in the line waiting to get into the venue which i didnt enjoy at all.
So i had over ten headspinning days to think things over and i vowed that i would never make the same stupid unnecessary mistake again.
Thats why i would like you to avoid the same miserable mistake.
You simply dont have to prove yourself.
You are all geared up for a happy life.
You dont need to stand up to mum.
Perhaps you need to look at your friends around you.
Is there a jealous person trying to interfere in your life?
I think you need to look around you at your own inner circle and discover who is trying to con you into thinking theyre so much better and more savvy than youbecause you sound absolutely wonderful as you are and this adverse influence needs to be dismissed carefully with a general lack of interest from you as you make more plans and spend more time with the boyfriend.
Im sure the audience would be with me in willing you on to more happy endings.
please also ask your doctor to give you an ecg for your heart as sometimes an array of phsiological symptons can indicate a heart abnormality.
At least rule it out.
And spend a bit of money on yourself and dismiss your uselss egotistical i know it all unfriendly influence.
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