A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my wife for 8 years now, we met in Japan in 2004. I was working in Japan from 2002-2005.She's lived in the U.S. since 2007.She's Japanese, but speaks excellent English, apparently his family brought him up to use English as a first language, so she told me.Officially, dual citizenship isn't allowed in Japan, but she's a US citizen now, it's don't ask, don't tell over there about dual citizens.But the big issue here is my wife being unhappy.We live in small-town Texas, close to Arkansas, and there's no Japanese expats here for her to discuss Japan-related things with; she has to rely on Japan-related news sites.She's told me she feels depressed and unhappy, she's looked for Japanese expat-related things online, but couldn't find much, and really wants to find other Japanese expats in our area to socialise with.She was considering flying to California to fix that part, I understand that California has Japanese expats, but she also wanted local, yet she told me she felt she wouldn't find any, if at all, in our area.It's a good thing, but I feel I can't help her with this, not don't want to.We have a great relationship and I want the best for her, but don't know how to deal with this.As it is, I've stepped back to let her try and figure it out,but she's asking me for help a lot and I don't know how to tackle this problem.She wanted to move to the U.S. and approached me about it first, before we moved in together (not the other way round), and loves the US, says it's more enjoyable than her home country in many ways, and that.My problem is basically she wants help and I don't know how to handle it, but I want to be a good husband to her too and I've no idea where to find fellow Japanese expats for her to socialise with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2021): I have a similar problem to your wife. My husband of eight years has some good friends in the area and he meets people when he is out working. Family are all abroad so we can only zoom with them. I am stuck in my office (SELF EMPLOYED) on my own all day and only have him for company evenings and weekends. We get on great. I've tried to make friends but insist that I must have things in common with them - they can be younger, older, single, married, working or not, but they must have things in common with me. I've met a lot of women who were always very noisy, loud, heavy drinkers etc, swear a lot, just not my type. It just has not happened. One of the problems is that I am a good listener, it is what I do for a living, and although I do not tell people my job when I meet them they sort of figure it out - pick it up - quickly, and then only want to phone me or meet up with me for that. It has happened to me a lot. Of course, I want friends who I can meet as equals,for fun, not people who come to me for free consultations so that does not work.
But I told my husband we both need to find friends, although he has some when he is retired soon some will not be enough, especially as his main friend is a lot older than him and in and out of hospital getting sicker and sicker!
The solution is for us to go to social evenings as a couple. We go to all sorts of things where we can meet a variety of people - other couples. We are both wealthy so it's important to me we are not meeting losers - I have had problems with this in the past where people try to latch onto me to ask me for money - or nag me for a job. So we go as a pair to social evenings where the couples are on a similar level to us and this will not happen. And as we go as a pair and we are talking to other couples together, the two of us,I don't get people trying to pour out their life story and problems to me for hours, they do not want to when it is the two of us. They talk about normal things when their husband or wife can hear them complaining about their marriage or whatever! It takes time, and there will be lots of times we meet a couple and could get together with them again to go for a meal or something and choose not to because we do not have enough in common, but this way we are getting out and socialising, we are meeting people, we are getting a break from being stuck indoors, and the way we see it is that if we find a couple who are worth making friends with that is a bonus, even if we do not we are better off this way than being stuck indoors all of the time - just the two of us - when not working.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2021): Your wife has lived in the US for 14 years. In that span of time you either adapt, or you feel compelled to return to your homeland. Japan and the US are two entirely different cultures; and unfortunately, finding expats isn't always the easiest thing to do. It's dependent on demographics and high concentrations of specific nationalities congregating in a specific area of the country. You can Google areas where there are larger communities of Asian people; then you narrow it down.
According to Wikipedia, there are 18,000 Japanese Americans living in the state of Texas. Narrow that down to popular interests and Japanese cultural organizations in cities having the highest number of Japanese American citizens; then you reach-out to them. Networking is the best way I know to find those of the same ilk.
Your wife is homesick. You can't pull friends out of thin air. I know you want to help, but just because someone is of the same national origins as yourself; doesn't mean they necessarily want to be friends. Most people blend into society and make friends regardless of their race, ethnicity, or nationality. Make friends wherever you can find them; and you'll fill the void of loneliness.
I think she's trying not to seem ungrateful; but deep down inside, she misses home, her family, and her culture. Just finding other Japanese expats isn't really going to cure that. She has lived here with you for 14 years, yet has no friends. You've worked in Japan before; maybe you can transfer and work there again for her sake.
People follow their hearts, and they relocate for the sake of love. Then all the other realities of life start to manifest; and they start to look back at what they've left behind. They begin to notice what they miss, and see the differences and faults in their newly acclimated settlement. They start to feel like a foreigner. There's more to it than she may be saying; or you're not listening closely, and hearing exactly what is being said. Maybe, she just wants to go home.
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female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (8 October 2021):
You should try meetup.com in your country. There’s every interest under the sun, you am think of. And groups always meet in person
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2021): Look I know she misses home but why do her friends have to be Japanese expats only.Maybe she should broaden herself and make friends who are different than her.Friends can be any color or nationality.Why does she limit herself in this way?She really could have a lot of friends if she wanted to.Think about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2021): I guess she needs to open her horizons a bit to the possibility she could make great friendships with people who are not Japanese. She needs to find people who have other common interests, join clubs, do activities that she enjoys. Along the way she might meet someone with Japanese heritage, but she might also make other great friendships with people from other cultures.
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