A
male
age
41-50,
*arine1
writes:I have a gf who has alot of emotional issues, and hinderances, and would like to ask your advice on how to better understand and communicate with her. Are there definity things that I can do or is this just going to be a long hard hopeless depressed road?Let me explain a little about her and our relationship. We've been with each of ther 2 years now, however it is a long distance relationship, and will continue to be for the next year or so. We see each other a couple times a month, but talk everyday on the phone. She has had some bad relationships prior to me and our relationship has been and up and down battle the whole way. She is very self-conscious, shy, very easily stressed. She has issues at work, and many issues at home. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her mom, and her dad lives nearby, but her dad is the huge issue. He verbally abused her as a child, and continues to at times even now, and she's 24. He a very immature dad and never showed her and love and still doesn't. he has alot of bipolar and depression problems too. At 17 she started taking anti-depressants and has been on them ever since, and since i've met her she's come along way in improoving her depression. I've really pushed her to get off the meds and she has some. There just seems to be so many mental problem linked to each other and its very complex and all I want for her is to just be happy, less stressed, better self-esteem, less self-consciousness, and a better intimate relationship with her. Please help! I'm at my wits end and have tried everything I know how.Thank you
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at work, depressed, divorce, immature, long distance, shy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): First off, stop I mean STOP pressuring her to get off meds or her antidepressants. People who suffer from depression cannot will themselves to get better, and if they were put on antidepressants it is because they have been diagnosed with depression, going off them will most likely cause a relapse...you are NOT her doctor, so don't even tell her what to do where her treatment is concerned. In fact this may be somewhat the crux of her problem, your pressure, her lack of appropriate and consistent treatment and her longing for a stable relationship when she has to instead tolerate a once a month siting from you.
You can't fix her, her personal problems are her own to fix, all you can do is be there to support her and to empathize and understand, it isn't your job to fix her or to wish she were different....she isn't, and this is the reality that you both share.
If you aren't happy, then suggest moving on with your lives, as it is very hard to have a long distance relationship, at least suggest she date others, allow her that freedom if you are thinking of doing that, which I suspect you are, or you would not be unhappily seeking advice.
It's OK, you deserve to be happy and if this relationship is not taking care of your needs then it is time to do something else, let her go with love and tell her you want to be her friend if you want to do so, but don't put pressure on her to be something she is not...that doesn't help her. She is going to have to grow out of this on her own, she can't change anyone but herself and neither can you.
A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (15 June 2008):
I sound just like your girlfriend only anti-depressants didn't help me. I think that when you two are closer together in terms of distance and she is farther away from her father then things will get even better. She will always have hard days just like i'm sure you do too, but as long as she can turn to you and use you ear and arms she should be ok. Don't tell her to get off anti-depressants. If they are helping her that means that she does have a sertonon imbalance and the medication is fixing that in her brain. It is like taking something to control diabetes or high blood pressure there is nothing wrong with it and could be deadly if not taken. Dont make her feel ashamed for taking them. Just consider it her taking a vitamin to help her body. I hope this helps. Just help her threw her bad days and love the good days.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (15 June 2008):
You aren't her counsellor, you can't fix her.
All you can do is carry on as you are and treat her as a normal 24 yearold girlfriend.
If you treat someone as something then they will become that thing. It's called self fulfilling prophecy.
So if you treat her as a delicate little victim then she will be like that. If you tell her and act like she is a strong independent and amazing woman then she'll become that.
Talk about the future, make plans, have dreams!
Good Luck!! xx
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