A
female
age
41-50,
*ereAreMyTwoCents
writes:I have been answering questions on here as an aunt for a short while. Now I have a question/item of my own. It's actually about my friend. I have known her for almost 5 years. She was my supervisor at work and after she left the company we became and stayed friends. She just turned 35 a few days ago and she says that she will probably end up a 40 year old virgin. I don't want her to end up that, but I don't know how to help her, even though I'm busy giving advice to all these other people on here. She says there is probably a guy out there for her but that like her he is probably at home right now in front of the TV, so that's why they'll probably never meet. That's just her defeatist attitude way of saying she has given up hope of finding her love. And if there is anyone in this world who deserve love and would treat it with the utmost respect, it is her! She is Christian but says she doesn't want to go to church as a single lady as a way to meet people, cause she would just end up in arguments with the hypocrites because she is opinionated. But she wants a guy with Christian values. It's really difficult. My question is I am looking for brainstorming, ideas, different perspectives, and possible resources through which I could help her find someone suited for her, and even would be open to personal references of people that that might be actually interested in her. She was mistreated at home and at school all throughout her life. Her story is really tragic and she is really amazing person for what she has come through. But she has not come through without deep scars. The scars are that she has great difficulty in trusting people, is kind of fed up with humanity, and has adopted a defiant attitude toward people. She'll give you a chance, but is on a constant lookout for bullshit, and if she detects it in you she will let you know it very quickly, so she comes off as cold and withdrawn a lot until you get to know her and she accepts you. The one guy she was in a online relationship with, she says he called her an Ice Queen when they met up in real life. But I know her way better than to ever think that about her! She may come off as that in the beginning but when you get to know her you could trust your life with her, if you could ever get her to agree to take your life in her hands. She is someone who I could lay my life on the line and vouch she would never cheat on you if you were in a relationship with her. She is 5 ft 7 inches, weighs around 110 pounds. She wants kids but is not sure if she'll be able to have any due to uterine problems she has had. My husband describes her face as homely, but I disagree completely. She is just plain. Does not have any particular features that are stunning. But she is not homely. She is definitely not fat, nor will she ever be. She is acutely intelligent, well read, very articulate and deep, she has read the entire Bible, and hard books like Dostoyevsky, she has a very cynical attitude of people and very high expectations of herself and people. She is self admittedly mildly "goth" when I asked her if she was, although she dresses normally, but she definitely carries the aesthetic, which prompted me to ask her. She has a tasteful style of dressing. Elegant, but not in a trendy way. It's definitely her own style. Her father is American, her mother is from England. She lives in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, USA. I recently moved away from her I'm now in Maryland closer to my husbands family, and I feel really bad for her life, she deserves so much better. We talk on the phone, I'm not a very social person myself, so I don't really have any connections to offer her. I gave her one of my cats when I moved, she now has three cats, (she is cat lover too) and lives in her own home, but I want more for her life than this. Can anyone offer me ideas on how I could go about finding someone for her, or what words I could tell someone like her to help inspire her to get out of her stubborn rut and believe in the possibility of love, after a life time of being kicked at home and kicked at school?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): I think it'll just happen when it has to. Because she has issues with trusting people, online relationships may not be for her. Someone needs to win her trust. And find her interesting. And not be scared of her or be drawfed by her.
Can I share my experience?
I was 34 when I finally gave up my virginity :) It used to hassle me that I was a virgin. What used to hold me back was that I would not get into nonsensical situations to lose it. There were guys who I was mildly attracted to but I'd not want to be in a relationship with them and did not find them so attractive that I'd want to jump in bed.
Then, I fell in love. But with this guy I'd have slept with him even if we did not plan a relationship... We are still in a relationship, rocky as it is.
You sound like you want her to have a relationship, not just lose her virginity. I have found that nice, great, lovely women who hold out for something special are actually doing so. Their standards are high. It seems to be a choice between 'no relationship' or a 'good relationship' not just anyone cause they have to have a boyfriend. They want a relationship but not enough to create it or make it happen, a bit artificially. How it happens seems more important to them than the fact of having a relationship so another person can only do so much.
I realise that I am pretty much the same. I find it difficult to compromise even though the other option of staying alone seems horrible...
My back up plan (which was to kick in at 35) was to take a holiday to a place where I could do it with a nice man with no strings attached. I don't know if I'd have done that. But it may be nice for her to go for a holiday to a place where sexuality is freeish and healthy.
You can set her up with some people you think are special. But I doubt anything else would work.
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