A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner has told me he's recently been attracted to someone else - nothing happened and has backed off on the friendship. He says he is very happy with me, we’re still in love and happy together. We did split up 18 months ago when he left me for someone else. We worked things out and have regained a strong relationship since then – it was a wake up call for us both. He has been hurt by his previous partners being unfaithful. He has always been faithful until his relationship with me and it seems he’s finding it hard to come to terms with what he did and the attraction to the other woman is confusing him? I understand his feelings but don’t know how to help him. He feels he doesn’t deserve me (I hate that term), says I’m “perfect” everything he’s ever wanted. I now feel very confused, I’m hurt he’s been attracted to someone else (again) but feel that his honesty is also a positive sign? I’m sure everyone goes through attractions to other people at some stage? I can’t help feel jealous of the attraction to someone else am paranoid and insecure which I don’t want to impact on us from now. He reassures me that there is nothing to worry about, he wants to be with me and he told me to let me know that he’s been having doubts about himself and needs to be open with me. He also said he isn’t sure he can give me what I want – marriage and children, I think this is down to him worrying that he could hurt me again – is this guilt from what happened before? All other aspects of our relationship are and have always been fulfilling including physical side. I'm worried his guilt and thinking he's going to hurt me again will make him leave me to stop the hurt. Can we get through this and what should i do?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Idon't think his guilt is going to make him leave you, I think his lack of commitment will....he is telling you that you are being a doormat of sorts.....sorry, but you may be allowing this man to walk on you...personally, I wouldn't appreciate his honesty about telling you his attraction for another woman is confusing him, what a load of crap, he wants his cake and eat it too.
Give him this book, "The Road Less Traveled", by Scott M. Peck, and ask him to take a read....it is the best book I have found that explains love and what it truly is and it gives you a lot of insight on why people get it all wrong and how past emotional hurts and life experiences all play a part in getting our thinking about love screwed up....so in a nutshell, your boyfriend does not understand love and commitment and until he does there is not amount of something that you can do to change him or "help him"...it truly is his decision.
What you can do is change yourself and demand that he be commited to you or break up if he wants to date other women....he broke up with you for someone else, you took him back and he is giving you red flags that it most likey will happen again....decide to date others yourself take a relationship break and let him miss you...don't do it in a mean way, but give him what he is asking for, his freedom...and see if he wants it after you take yours....people, sadly often want what they cannot have and what they have to work for, that is until they become emotionally evolved mature commited adults like Scott M. Peck describes, until that happens all bets are off.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Wow. Your boyfriend is giving you all sorts of mixed signals so no wonder you are so distraught and confused. To say "you are everything I want" and then say "I don't deserve you" and "I'm attracted to someone else" in the same sentence is contradictory and just doesn't make sense. If you truly were everything he's ever wanted then he certainly would not be saying that he doesn't deserve you and that he can't give you what you want and that, by the way, he is attracted to someone else. Again. On the contrary, he would want you to think he is great and that you totally deserve him so that you would want to be with him. If you were everything he ever wanted he would be fighting hard to make you happy and to prove to you that you do deserve him. And he certainly wouldn't want to make you think otherwise cause he wouldn't want to risk losing you. Look hun, he's confused. I don't really know under what circumstances you guys got back together. Did he beg for your forgiveness and now all of a sudden is having second thoughts?? All I know is that this doesn't sound good in you guy's favor. It just doesn't sound like he is sure about you guys anymore. He made a mistake the first time and he wasn't expecting you to forgive him for it. But you did. But in his mind, he knew what he was doing and what he was getting himself into when he left you and emotionally was prepared for it and had already moved on. In his mind, it was over between you two. And that was a choice he made. To his surprise you have forgiven him and are back with him, but in his mind, he already had moved on when he left you. Now that you two are back together, he appreciates the fact that you still love him even after what he did, and that's why he gives you the compliments of you being perfect and nice, but his mind is somewhere else because he moved on a long time ago and that is why he says at the same time that he can't give you what you want and that he doesn't deserve you. He feels for you, but not the kind of feelings that you deserve from a boyfriend. He consciously left you and expected it to be over. What does that tell you?? Does that sound loving?? Does that sound like someone worth your time?? I think its time for you to accept the reality which is that its just not meant for you two. And you DO deserve MUCH MUCH better. This guy is just not worth another second of your time. Show him that you have balls and that you have dignity and don't put up with this any longer. Leave him, girl. He's just walking all over you but only because you're letting him.
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