A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there. And thank you for taking the time to read and help me to solve my problem.I am a divorced mother of two children. And I am so lucky to be engaged to a wonderful man who accept them as his own. Please let me tell you about his positives, because I do not wish to bad-mouth him. I need a plan to work on, to get to my goal. He is financially taking care of us, he is emotionally taking care of us. He plans his life around us (of course he makes me hopping mad sometimes, but I guess I do that too.)My problem: he can't handle confrontation. It seems as if he has a low self-esteem. Any problem I have that I would like to discuss, is like a personal attack to him. He finds it extremely personal even if I disagree from him! I am an "aggressive" fighter (no, not hitting, or yelling!) and he is a "passive" fighter. I like things to be done now, he likes to do it then or even sometimes sometimes not...I like a problem to be sorted out now and he likes to ignore it. When I ask him to do something for us, he would take months and not get anywhere. I guess he doesn't even try. When I take over, after waiting and waiting and..., it takes me 15 minutes! (I asked him to book our wedding venue, asked him to get a place to fix my dishwasher...) It seems to me as if he could never do something I ask for and I always have to step in, or usually I bear the consequences. If I am mad about that, he will get defensive, telling me: stop telling me how bad or no-good I am. I never use those words, will only say: you didn't do this or that and I had to do it! Of course I am irritated or angry then. I'll say something like, I am not the man in this house. You are supposed to sort out this or that!He promises me things (a bookshelf for Christmas) and I ended up waiting for a year and finally I forced him to build it for me, with him being hopping mad at me!. When he ask me something, he can rest assure that it will be done on time. I once didn't do something he asked for and he was unhappy. He kept telling me how disappointed he was! Even when I told him I am feeling like that most of the time, he could only see it from his perspective. And he told me to let past things stay in the past. I told him if we did not solve it, it is not old. I cannot leave it there.Sometimes it feels as if he expects me to accept that if he doesn't do something. I must still be happy and smiling, even if I am suffering because of it.How could I 'confront" him in a way that he would respond?How could I get him to do things he promises.How do I give him his proper place of the leader of our house, without me suffering the consequences? He is the man.Ps: I love him to bits. He loves me. Please do not tell me he is bad. Just advice for me to follow to solve it. I am not an angel either!Thanking you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 There may be semantic differences when you talk. When he says he is going to do something, he may mean he is thinking about it, and he is free to express whatever's on his mind. For you, going to do something means it's going to get done.
You also have to decide what role he plays in your house. Most men I know would like to watch TV, relax and unwind, they don't want to stress out again at night. Is that something you can live with? For some people, fixing a dishwasher has nothing to do with love, it has nothing to do with being a man.
It's not a simple step as to fixing a dish washer. You need to google where to find that place, you need to figure out a time, the price, you need to compare companies, you need to talk to friends about what's the best thing to do, you need to talk to the plumber. He understands that the house would not fix itself and maybe you can help him plan step by step. Be his partner too don't expect him to do it all by himself. Use your woman talents if you are good at details. I don't know what his talents are but make sure you can put them into good use. Two brains work better than just one.
More importantly, tell him how it makes you feel when things are not done, and how happy you feel if they are done. Don't analyze him, making him feel bad would not motivate him to do things.
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