| A ,
anonymous
writes: I am 52, my live-in bf is 50. My bf is the problem..I can't put my finger on it. He seems very insecure, clingy and always needing desperately, some validation but it's constant and I am exhausted. I have tried reasoning with him, tried to ask him to get help (for his issues) but to no avail. I have 3 children and the youngest still lives at home. The other two are adults and have their own lives. But we are close and they visit often. My bf is always angry and negative and he always, continually degrades and verbally criticizes me. He is secretive about it and only says very hurtful things to 'me' about my family, or anything that is related to 'me or my life'. He was good at hiding it until my oldest daughter(she's 30) caught him saying some very horrid, awful things to me and she confronted him. He has went really strange since this incident..even much worse. Not sure why? Maybe, because he got caught hurting me and his secret is out? I have gotten to the point where I have asked him to leave. But...he won't budge. I worry that if he did leave, he would stalk me. One time, he and I argued, so I went shopping for a few hours just to get some space. When I came out, to the parking lot, to go home, he had left a note on my windshield, saying "Found you! I'm at home.. Hurry back!" This unsettled me. He checks our phone every single day to see who has called. He goes into my son's room all the time and complains to me, on the typical messy room (but he's messy himself) He rifles through my wallet, all the time, just snooping. What is up with this guy? It's as if he has no respect for other people's personal space. I know he is unhappy as he lives far away from his own family. (siblings, his elderly Dad-he has no kids) and he misses them. I tell him..go home and visit but he won't go unless I go too. Here are some other odd things, that I am trying to understand. I own my own home. I pay the mortgage and all expenses, including grocery. (about $2000 per mo) My bf pays for the utilities and phone (about $400 per mo). I have asked for him to contribute more to equalize the responsibility in this arrangement. He flat out, said no. He says because I own the house, and I make more income than him, so therefore, he is not required to pay more and refuses to. But he always will find extra cash to buy accessories for his motorcycle and just things for him. He dislikes my adult children, who by the way, are nice people. He is insulting and condescending to my teen son, and is always sabotaging any time or efforts I want, in spending time with my family. He is always asked to join us but he refuses. I have gotten to the point where I must ignore him and get on with living my life. If I go shopping or take my daughter out for lunch (and he's not involved) I am harassed and criticized, when I get home. He acts petulant and keeps at me, at me, at me. Other things he has done over the past 3 years are: Hiding pop and food from my son. (I bought the food)--Plays his music (rock) full blast at midnight, when he's angry and we are trying to sleep.--Stomps around the house slamming doors after midnight when he's angry and we are trying to sleep.--He has threatened to take the starter out of the car, so I couldn't pick my son up from work (in the winter at 2 am) --he has taken the phone off the hook so my son couldn't call me for a ride after midnight (winter time again)--He gets upset when my family watch his big screen TV in the livingroom. He hid the remote controls. (I bought my own big screen and set it up for the family, downstairs)----There are just too many bizarre behaviors that have occurred, too many to name. And through all this, he keeps telling me he loves me. Go figure!? I do not believe him, in light of his behaviors which are not caring at all. He will insult and cause pain and apologize the next day. This has happened hundreds of times. As a result of his actions, over a 3 year period, I have found I do not love him anymore, let alone even like him.. I can barely be in the same room with him, the past couple weeks. I am at my wit's end. Give me some ideas on how I can get this man out of my life. I have called the police for advisement..they said they can't do anything unless I get a restraining order from a judge. Is there any other way to get him out, without resorting to this? I will if I have to..but I need to try other ways, first. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What did you do? Right now, my priority is my family here. I need to keep my son and myself safe from this guy, once I do get him out. Apologies for the length of this. Help me please.
View related questions:
insecure, lives at home, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): I understand it is not as simple as being brave, but you must also be safe. You have no idea how far this guy could go. I don't know what state you live in but I think after 30 days you must have the person evicted. I don't like this rule because then it is a breeding ground for abuse. The things he has said to you it is verbal,emotional, and sure to be physical abuse. That is not fair to your family to have to go through such a thing. My girl friend went through something same things you are going through and it actually took her tobecome physical to get him away( I hope you don't have to do this). My friend is in her 30's and we could not believe she even would have to go through this. I find that alot of women are going through this but no one is speaking up so alot of women believe they are all alone its not true. Please be safe keep your head don't let him distract you from finding a solution and have your family help you.
God Bless you
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (11 November 2008):
You've told him to go and he said no. Then you gave up.
So from then on he knew that all he had to say was "NO!" and you'd back down and work round him from then on.
You need to tell him to leave and actually mean it.
Tell him it's over and he has 2 weeks to find somewhere to live. Tell him that if he is not out at a set time then you will call the police and have him removed. Do it when one of your adult children with you if you need support. Tell him everything that he does that has made you feel this way. The fact that you are no longer keeping his secrets and are happy to talk about it in front of witnesses will make you seem more serious.
In that 2 weeks you need to find out what help is available in terms of police, restraining orders etc etc etc.
You can do this pretty easily, you just have to have a backbone and actually go through with it.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
