A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:When I met my husband over 30 years ago he told me that he was a virgin (as was I). However, recently, and during a difficult patch in our marriage he confessed that this was a lie. This has upset me terribly, and to make it worse he says that it was perfectly ok to lie to me as it was none of my business. I was only 18 when I met him and very naive, and looking back now at those early days I feel sad. How do I feel ok about this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 I just want to add that not many people in the world are entirely satisfied with how their lives have turned out. So this is not uncommon, what you are going through.It's just called "bad luck" or "unfortunate."Your husband might owe you an apology but I don't think it's a major issue. We're born, we live, we suffer, we die. It's the cycle of nature.We all suffer sometimes. I hope you feel better in a few hours' time after reading this.Maybe I'm wrong again. Who knows?
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Was that lie worth 30 years of marriage, if you were happy with him than I suggest you let it go, don't get me wrong do talk it out with him, but don't allow that episode hinder your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): a lot of times guys come across a good girl that they love. When she tells him, "I'm a virgin. Are you?" That kind of puts pressure on him. He doesn't want to lie, but he doesn't want to give you any reason whatsoever to even question if you still want to make love to him. And you have to admit at the time if he said he wasn't; you would've thought twice. Its still wrong, but he liked you so much he didn't want to ruin it. If he has been a good husband since, then just tell him you'll be upset for a little bit, but you need to accept it and move on. If he has an issue with you being upset, ask him how he would feel if you lied to him about something involving your sex life? Leave him with the doubt...
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 It happened 30 years ago and you should lay it to rest. If you cannot get over it, your mind would be cluttered with too many rubbish and there will be no more room for happiness and joys.
Furthermore , you can't change the facts. Live in the present, for the past is history.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (5 May 2010):
 You aren't supposed to feel ok about this. He lied to you and it's only natural to question your relationship knowing what you know now. The best thing you can do now is look at these last 30 years and the things he has done in that time. Sure, there is always a chance that there was another lie or two in that time, but it is VERY easy for somebody young and less mature to do what your husband did. Did he know you two would marry each other later in life when he told you he was a virgin? Did he say that to make you feel more comfortable? Sometimes lies can snowball and he may have wanted to tell you all of these years but with each passing year it gets harder.
You don't have to be ok with this, at least not right away... but just remember actions speak louder then words. The things he's done all of these years as your husband should show his true character.
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male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (5 May 2010):
People rarely say what's on their minds. They just tell you what you want to hear. Or they lie because they want to avoid arguments. I read that somewhere.
That said, I wouldn't worry about it too much. All this talk about virginity and purity is overrated.
Everyone has to have sex with someone at some stage. And there is no law in the books that says only virgins can get married. Is there?
Maybe all this is the wrong advice. But I hope it helps.
If the lie happened 30 years ago, you might have to let it go. I'm sorry though. I am much younger than you, so maybe I have no right to comment. I don't know.
Just out of curiousity, did he say WHY he didn't tell you the truth? I understand that he says it was not your business. But did he say why he was so determined to hide the truth from you?
It doesn't make sense to me why he would lie about something this trivial.
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