A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone offer me some help here?I am finding it really difficult to get over the anger and resentment I feel towards my ex. Although it has been nearly a year since we broke up i hold such feelings of bitterness towards her i can't seem to let it go and move on with my life. I dearly want to let go and be free to get on with my life but my mind keeps dragging up thoughts and images i can't seem to get past.. I am fine when at work or out with friends but as soon as i spend any time by myself the thoughts of her come to get me and i find myself getting quite worked up. I feel like i have read every self help book going - tried every mind blocking trick i can think of yet there she remains... stuck in my mind.. I want to be free of her - can anyone offer me some help?
View related questions:
at work, broke up, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Your story scares me...this is the 2nd month since i broke up with my ex..at first i was ok, relieved & happy about the new freedom but as the days go by..i am getting more and more depressed about it. I think of him more and more.
I think the more you don't acknowledge your feeling and get your mind off it..the more it will be hidden there and the feelings pile up. I suggest you feel the pain, cry or just simply write her an email expressing how you feel. Let it all out. Let her know you are still angry. Maybe you just need your feelings to be acknowledged by her. Think first how it would feel if you will do that..or better write the letter but don't send it yet. Write everything until you are left with nothing to say.
That's an advise I got from my sister who's going through a divorce. I just sent the letter yesterday and now, I can tell I think i did the right thing. Now i feel better than the previous days.
Goodluck to both of us.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Your problem may be in the way you describe you have tried every self help book and every trick to move on etc its taking you over and rather than helping you it is re-enforcing the fact you have this issue. You have trigger points going on - you might see an item of clothing that reminds you of the argument you had, or a song on the radio etc etc. Possibly even you have unresolved arguments with her in your head, when you are simply having a shower or driving to the shops - your brain kicking in and it going around and around. I know this feeling and you are simply overthinking. Please consider the following - are you living a similar life to the one you had with your partner? Same house, job, car, hobbies, friends? Can you change anything to start really feeling different? Its a kind of physical / mental thing. You have to accept that you will still be reminded of the past - we all are - but the extent to which this happens depends on you. I tried EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) - unlike expensive treatments you go once and it works plus you can learn to do it yourself when you need to. I used to get anxious and re-live symptoms from a bad experience with a relative. I did EFT and now, whilst I can still remember the incident it has no effect on me whatsoever. I urge you to find something that takes up a regular part of your life, re-focuses your energy in a positive way (it must be draining you all this overthinking and the 'project' to fix it)- do a challenge for charity, get fit, travel, meet new people that have interesting things to say. By distracting yourself positively you might suddenly realise one day "hey, I've not thought about her for at least 3 weeks". I have tried these kind of things and thrown myself into tasks or events and it works - I have kept busy and each time I start getting uptight I have a mantra and I say "I'm better than that". Think of how much spare time, energy and brain power you will have when you stop bogging yourself down with this negativity - that should really motivate you to change. You can do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): from a guy...Two enormous lies have worked their way into society, probably via television.1. Closure after a traumatic experience, and2. Getting over something.There is no such thing as closure.You don't get over something, you get around it. The thing will always be there, back there in history, in your mind. You may have gotten around it and moved ahead, but of course it is still there and always will be.Some people can be affected in profoundly different ways by the same event. For example, some girls molested at a young age by their father cannot enjoy life until they know that the father has died, while some go ahead, changed for sure, but they are able to enjoy life anyway. Neither is right or wrong, just different (though we would all prefer to be the latter). Give yourself credit if credit is due. You are probably already over some of the anger and resentment but that is difficult to detect yourself since you are attempting to be the subject and the impartial observer at the same time. And give yourself credit for doing everything that you knew to try to help yourself. It depends on the event. Are you mad that she left, or happy that she left? If she was cheating or in some other way humiliating you, you need to spend lots more time appreciating the fact that you ridded yourself of the bit**. Spend more time congratulating yourself that you had the courage to do the right thing. So when the event comes to mind, you will have some very good things about the event to focus on, in addition to the negative thoughts.Also, you might have the feeling that you had a major failure since obviously something did not work out. The antidote to failure is accomplishment, so go accomplish something. We all have failures but not all of us have accomplishments. Make sure that you do.And on a personal note, maybe they help some people, but I say stay away from so called therapists, i.e. counselors, clinical psychologists and psychiatrists: they are probably more screwed up than you are. I tried that once and when I left I still had the problem but I no longer had my $200, the psychiatrist had it. Then I had another problem to deal with: Why the hell didn't I become a psychiatrist?Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): How badly did things end between the two of you?... Maybe you just need some closure. Shes with somebody else huh? Maybe the guy she cheated on you with? Well either way you should just get rid of everythin that reminds you of her. Anything in the house that reminds you of her throw it away. Probably most of all though you should move on stop worrying about her so much worry about yourself. your always thinkin about how much fun shes probably havin that your not havin any yourself. Get over it man its been a year. move on. Find somebody else and come to terms with the fact you two wont be together again and you need to move on and find someone else... and thats probably whats best because shes probably not that great of a person in the first place... if she cheated on you right?
...............................
|
