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female
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anonymous
writes: My problem is getting my boyfriend to do things with me and my friends. I have been with him a year and apart from my birthday and a bbq at my sisters, he has never come with me to a special event with my friends. He wouldnt come to my works Xmas party as he felt uncomfortable because I work with all men. He said he would come to my friends wedding party but forgot about it and made plans with another friend, he said he would come to my friends 30th in a few weeks time but its his best mate's annual summer bbq which has been going on for years so he has said he will be going to that. I showed my disappointment to him about that (ok - call that anger) but he just said that I can't expect him to cancel out on doing something he has been doing for years just so he can spend time with me and my mates. I know he has cancelled out some nights down the pub with his mates to be with me (his choice) and him and his friends have occasionally met me and my mates when out and about but he hardly ever comes to a planned event. I do everything with him, his friends and family. Days out with his kids, weekends away to his mums, picnics with his dad, parties, bbqs, meals with his friends. Is it so unfair of me to want him to do the occasional thing with me? Its really beginning to bug me now and I need to know how to broach this with him and get him to understand how it makes me feel without getting angry about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Im the Original Poster. Thank you so much for answering me. Its made me put things into perspective. I think the reason he wouldnt come to my works do is that not only did his ex wife cheat on him with a work colleague, he works in the same industry as me (construction) and knows what sort of behaviour to expect at these things and didnt want to be the only guy there that didnt know another guy as he would feel awkward. I guess he feels more comfortable in his group, with his own surroundings and people he knows. I love meeting new people which is why he has never had any problems with taking me to his events as he knows I will go off and chat to anyone. I guess he is not made that way and just because i do it and love it, doesnt mean he should. The fact he came to my birthday which was special to me and my sisters bbq shows he does care. My thoughts were going wild, as if he didnt care for me which was why he wasnt joining me and my friends.Thanks again, feel so much happier now ive looked at it from another point of view.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): I think that you have a good understanding of how he is but don't have a good understanding of why he is.
Is he intimidated by your male co workers? If so is this an insecurity and what motivates this?
I think you really need to be focusing more on the things he has done and not so much on what he hasn't.
Too many people these days whine and complain about the things they never had and forget to see all that they have. Perspective and attitude go a long way.
He's not a bad guy. He has a reason, just know it may not be a reason you agree with.
Tell him how you feel. Then listen to what he has to say.
Step back from it and see from his perspective. You can do this as you love him and want him to be happy.
I am never truly happy unless I am thinking of the man I love and doing what will make him happy. This doesn't rob me of any joy but rather gives me so much joy that my cup runneth over. And in return, my man is more willing to be what I need and do the things that will make me smile. Kindness begets kindness.
*hugs*
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