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female
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anonymous
writes:My husband gets very emotional when it comes to finances. He's not very good with handling money - he doesn't spend excessively, he just doesn't focus on how much he has and doesn't make plans or schedules. He's been this way for as long as I can remember - he just doesn't think about when bills are due, or to check his bank account regularly. He just has a loose idea of how much he has in his head. He lives in the moment and doesn't do a lot of advanced planning. It's not as if he doesn't pay bills, he just isn't anal retentively on top of things (my preference). So, if it happens to cross his mind, he'll pay it... We've been together for 5 years, I'm 24 and he's 28. I wish I could handle things myself, but right now we're living across the country from each other - he's in the military. He's a wonderful guy, a great husband, but this just drives me bananas. He spends so much time crying and emoting over money, and he sees money as a reflection of HIM. So it's a very touchy subject. If I ask about bills or try to make a plan, he gets very defensive or says that he'll handle it (he won't) and usually ends up in tears. I try to be sensitive, but it's hard for me to understand why he can't see money as practical, cold, unfeeling BUSINESS. If he spent as much energy on managing money instead of getting emotional over it, we might actually have a savings account!I don't push him, ever, because I don't want to be a bitch, but this financially un-planned lifestyle is getting to me. I don't want to live this way the rest of my life! We don't have very much debt, it's totally manageable, but only if we really focus and make a plan for the next 6 months. I tried to talk to him today about that, and he just doesn't understand why what he's doing isn't working and was in tears. What can I do to help? How can I get him to handle money better? How can I have this discussion without it ending in an emotional mess? I love him to pieces, but this particular part of our life is getting to me!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): money is most popular topic for couple's fight and difference of opinions.
and this is all over the world. so do not break you head on it. in your eyes, he may not be best money manager and planner, but believe me, he is not that bad either. so leave it to him it will come as age grows up. right now you both are too young and a many things come from age and time. so forget the worry and enjoy the life. relax leave things to him and time to come and god.
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I would focus on a good family budget where you set goals and allowances for certian types of things such as the things you and he would like to do. A good application is Microsoft Money it will also help you to achieve long term financial goals and show graphs and tracking of your money... That should keep him busy And less stressful. And you happy with what you freely want to do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 I believe his relationship with money comes from how he was raised and his experience with money while growing up. I don't know how his family economic status is/was, but perhaps there was a lot of pressure on money, or the complete lack of pressure. In either case he has not learned how to deal with it well. But, this is not something all people do by nature. Some are good with money. Some are bad. And many times people who are good with money can get bad with it and your husband might become great with money, with time.
The other thing is that I get a feeling you want him to fix this? If you are in a joint economy, as you are married, this is as much your responsibility as his. He can not just "fix" things. You need to talk to him about money. And even if he cries about it. Talk about it. Don't just shrug at him and leave it up to his business.
What I mean by this is: accept your responsibility. He might feel that whenever you talk about money it is always his fault. If you stop pushing the blame on him, he might be more at ease talking about it? Of course, I don't know how your conversations about money go, I am just guessing.
You said it is hard for you to see his side, why he can't just be practical about money, and not get emotional. Well he probably has just as much difficulty seeing your side. So try to see his side. He is not wrong being emotional about money either. Sure it doesn't help the financial situation, but money is of great concern in peoples lives, and many do get emotional about it. Not everyone can be practical and not everyone has good skills with handling money.
So, to answer your final question. How can you have a discussion about this with him without him breaking into tears? You can't. Let him cry. Then talk. Maybe next time he won't be so emotional. But don't avoid the conversation because of the way he feels, his word and his thoughts are just as valid, even if he turns into an emotional mess. As long as he is able to talk to you, give him the time he needs to cry it out first. Then talk.
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