A
male
age
30-35,
*uy220
writes:Okay, this is a fairly long question so bear with...I don't know if anyone will remember me, as I asked for some help her last year. Basically, my girlfriend broke up with me after I left high school, and started dating my best friend. That would have been bad enough, but that year had been the best of my life for numerous reasons. I'd been at a fairly bad school where I'd been socially excluded and mocked a lot for the first five years of high school (I did have friends though, so it wasn't a nightmare, I did enjoy it mostly, don't get me wrong). Anyway, the new school was great. I felt I was academically achieving my best, I got the girlfriend, I was finally out of my shell and having a proper social life... I'd go as far as to say life was perfect. Then I lost everything that made it great in the space of a month.Since then, I've found it incredibly difficult to do social things at all. I've been at uni for a year, and as I stay at home, am quiet in classes and haven't joined any clubs or socities out of shyness, I've made no friends. I've also been meaning to start driving lessons, but I just can't get up the motivation to book them. It's summer now and I've been putting off getting a summer job for a month. The only thing that hasn't went downhill is my grades, but without anything else in my life really, it's difficult to be too enthiusiastic about them. I also used to have a real passion for writing, but I can seldomly bring myself to write nowadays.In a lot of ways I've dropped off the face of the earth. I only have one real friend, and he's online. Recently, my old friend (dating my ex) contacted him on MSN asking him about relationship problems. He then said he wanted to know how I was doing as he missed me. But then, he made a completely false claim I had doubled in weight (I was thin at high school, and I'm still kinda thin, average at most, now) over the year, and that I lived my life online last year as well. He also bragged about having sex with my ex to my online friend, and used something i had told him in confidence about my online friend to insult him. My ex then appeared in the same convo, and called me a bunch of names, ones she knew used to hurt me (although they don't so much now, thankfully) and said she was glad she never let me have sex with her -- ironically enough, I was the one who refused to have sex with her when she asked for it. The best friend who was responsible for this and i really did get on last year. So now I'm wondering: if he can do such a 180 and become a complete asshole, what's to stop everyone else?I think over the last year I've become very numb and I've lost the drive to strive for change. I've also lost a lot of my confidence. I guess my question is this: how to I properly come to terms with the betrayal, and allow myself to become emotionally healthy enough, and motivated enough, to go on to the next stage of my life?
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best friend, broke up, confidence, move on, msn, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): That must be so hard for you. I’m very sorry to hear what a hard time you have had.
You don’t deserve to be talked to this way by your friends or your ex. I suggest you block your ex on MSN… She’s no good and sounds like a horrible person who will continue to hurt you in anyway she can.
It’s not healthy that your only friends would treat you this way. I would say that you’d be better off not talking to them, but you don’t have anyone else to talk to and that would completely isolate you.
I think you might be a little depressed.
Are there any councillors you could go and see in university? I don’t know what facilities Britain’s Uni’s have, but here in Ireland we have councillors that you can see for free in most of the colleges and Uni’s, if not all of them. I know its summer, but they could help when you go back. If not, is there any chance you or your parents could afford one for you.
I think the other aunts have covered your problem pretty well and I would agree that you should try and make goals, push yourself to join a club or something like that, try exercising and eating well. I also think DionvanLestat is right when she says that you cannot let them win.
Have strength. You do not deserve to be treated this way. It’s not your fault things have become so hard for you, but you will need to push yourself a little bit more to get yourself back into a happy way of life and move on past these betrayals.
Good Luck Sweety. I really wish you all the best. X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I can completely sympathize. I'm very happy that you took the high road. Though it's hard at times it gives you more power over them than you'd think. But I digress.
The best advice I can give you is to say that you're dealing with two different people. Who you want to be (make changes, make friends, confidence) and who you used to be (friends with those people, emotionally abused, shy). The longer you allow these two people to co-exist, obviously the longer you'll be in turmoil, and really the more damage it can cause.
These people are from your past, which is over now. You've moved on from them, you're in a completely new wave of people. It's never too late to start over with the new. Most of them have no idea who you used to be, the only person they'll know is who you are now. This is to your advantage.
So my suggestion is this: Make goals: Do something each day, or at least make plans to do something for another day. Even if it's going to the gym, do something each day. This will make it a habit to be moving, be around people, and get out the for people to see. Delve into things you're really good at to build confidence. Also trying something new with other people who are also new to it too can be a fun way to learn as well as bond and make friendships. And having such diverse groupings of friends keep things fresh and give you more opportunities.
Be willing to grow and experience your 'new life.' Those people are stuck in the past and that's where they belong.
You don't have to 'find yourself,' you need to create it.
Best wishes, love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Hi babes, sorry your in this situation. They done a dirty on you, but it hasn't made them happy, their too busy focusing on their guilt and trying to blame their unhappiness on you that they have no room to be busy and in love.
Now this lack of motivation thing worries me. It sounds like you might be slightly depressed and you need to tackle this before it gets any worse. You need to make sure you are taking care of yourself, good food, excersise, plenty of sleep, no alcohol or drugs. Then you need to force yourself to get back on with life. Rejection hurts and causes heartbreak and pain, but missed oportunities hurt even more.
You can't afford to let them win. You worked hard to improve your social situation and gain new friends. Now you've got to work hard to get your confidence back and start living life again. I know you can do it, just be strong and force yourself to get out there and try again. You know it makes sense. They'll love the idea of you hiding alone and sad at home. You need to get out there, you need to show them how strong you are and how little it matters to you. Fake it until you make it, push yourself and in time your confidence will come back and you will be right back where you were.
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Yes you have been betrayed by a so-called friend and your ex. They continue to "betray" you long distance. I know this is very hard to do but my suggestion is that you somehow need to realize that these are small people and you are measuring your happiness by them. There are so many bigger people out there just wanting to be a part of your life, I know it. Somehow you need to crawl out of your shell and start participating in life. That really is the only way to move on and move forward. You don't necessarily need a girlfriend but physical contact with a friend would be a huge benefit for you. Is there an interest like a club you could join? Do you have cousins or other people you can go out and do things with? This is such a wonderful time in your life and I know you are in pain but if you sit out for the rest of this awesome time you should be having then they have betrayed you once again but this time you have let them do it.
So so hard to do but please realize that you have all of us here on dearcupid cheering you on. Shake it off, dust yourself off and start living to your potential. And by the way, congratulations on your grades. Of all the things you could have let slide, that is the one thing that is not reversible, so well done my friend. Keep going.
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