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female
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anonymous
writes: please help me.. im losing it. Im sat at my desk at my office crying and dont know who else to turn to. I was seeing a guy at work for about a year but we have now split up. He has a girlfriend who he has been with for 3 years. i know it was awful that we werecheating on her, but its over now and you cant help who you fall for. we split up because it got more and more serious and we both decided it had to stop. we split up loads of times but then ended up back together. These are the times when he would lay down the guilt trip saying he felt bad for cheating and we have to stop it etc. Now we have split for good and although i am happy cos he is no good, im coping really badly with the situation. The other night i was drunk and called him and told him how i was upset and how he had messsed me up. He was not too sympathetic so i got off the phone. since then i have seen him in work and he has been so smug and all happy, and i have been miserable and embarrassed for the opther night. he has so much control over me.. i feel like im losing my strength. i have no power. im so unhappy seeing him be all smug and knowing that im upset over him. im trying to be strong but its so hard. i see him every day. how can i get back some control so that i feel better about myself and the whole thing. also need to add that throughout our attempts to end it i stayed well away from him and made myself hate him. He was so upset and would try and contact me all the time saying he missed me and hated me not talking to him and thinking badly of him etc. its too much hassle doing that again cos it drains me. i have tried to meet other guys but it does not seem to be happening.. i know that my way out of this mess is to meet someione else and be happy - and i so want that.. more than anything. but in the meantime what do i do? please help x
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at work, drunk, has a girlfriend, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (13 November 2006):
 Hi, All the guys who answered your question are right. But if only it was that easy eh. Well you should at least try to take it all in, and not let him see you upset. I bet within a few weeks you will look at him and think "what the hell did i see in him" and then your laughter will be genuine. And by the way, if someone was happy in their relationship, they would'nt be lured away. So dont beat yourself up. It wasnt you that had a partner, it was the office rat. Its amazing, how you can get back more at someone, by not being bitter. They wonder why your not bothered. SO KEEP THAT SMILE ON YOUR FACE, and it will wipe away his.
Good luck Hun
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (13 November 2006):
 you go girllllll,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for all your replies. ariel, i love what you said about laughing in his face when he has that smug look - i cant wait to try it. today i feel much brighter so hopefully that will show when i see his pathetic little face! and jovial is so right saying he has only got what i give him.. well he aint get anything from now on. im going to move on and show him im not bothered by him.. that will at least make me stronger and give me the strength to get over this loser.
its so nice having us all here for each other! thank you all so much xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2006): There seem to be some themes that run through your story here, control, having power over men, and feeling lousy when you don't and getting drunk to cope and have an excuse for feeling messed up and letting him know about it.
Maybe herein lies a clue as to why you selected to become involved with a man who was basically emotionally unavailable to you that was in a three year relationship and started up with you at work as a casual fling.
My guess is that you are a pretty hot number, am I right? And you feel powerful over men by using your sexuality to control them, afterall, you lured another woman's man away from her, and when and if it all goes wrong for you, you come undone because that power has gone away at least momentarily....and then the self loathing starts and the anger at men gets overblown and you start the cycle all over again, how can I feel better?---I know my way out of this is to find someone else and be happy, you mean to be happy don't you?
Ok, so I psycho analyzed you, don't be offended, just step back take a breath and ask yourself why a fabulous babe would do all this stuff to create so much drama in her life? The answer is really not so important as be aware that you are in control of this, why did you go after this guy in the first place, or allow yourself to be vulnerable with him in this way when he was unavailable? Stop doing that and you will be happy, stop thinking that you need a man in the first place to be happy, you don't, you are fine just as you are and maybe your way out of this is to spend sometime single and alone until you enjoy your own company and get to love yourself first.
Now dry those tears and get moving!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): You know you did wrong but leave the tears for home, he is probably putting on his smug look just for you anyway so play him at his own game. Do yourself up at the office, say a cheery hello and then take no notice of him. By you getting upset its showing him hes won but you can take that control back if you dont let him get to you. Go out with your mates have some fun and let your hair down and stop grieving over this cassanova cause he just aint worth your tears. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (9 November 2006):
hi
u loved him and it wasn t worth it so its time to accept u had it with a player who is good at his game but remember not all good players always wins, i think this one is winning bcos u have given him all the opportunities and ammunition and u left urself with nothing to fight back with.
i say u do what u think u can never do, wipe those tears if u think u are not ready buy a lot of kleenex and cry until u feel better but only do it at home, at work walk around like nothing happened greet him like any other colleuge dont give him the satisfaction. try to forget him u owe urself that much, yeah i know its not easy believe me he has nothing over u except what u give him. take back that power which is ur life u will see the smug will disappear in no time.
u both cheated but its over now, he is happy bcos the guilt is no longer there so whats stoping u, move on stand up with ur head held high and go out on simple dates those are the ones that will help u move on. dont make a mistake of entering a relationship to prove a point to ur ex it will only complicate things bcos if it doesnt work u will always feel so low and walk with a tail between ur legs. moving on doesnt mean u must have another man around it means u have moved past it, u have left it behind so try leaving it behind it will feel good trust me. remember u are already out of this mess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): I agree with the advice given above/below. I just found out today that my girlfriend for 7 years has decided to break up with me while she's 2,000 miles away in South Africa. I'm so far down in the dumps I'm in another dimension. Just to let you know, better now than later on, it hurts WAY more.
Darren,
Alone in Birmingham
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2006): Get another job, move in another direction work wise, but don't stay at the same company. Please keep away from blokes who are already in relationships. You can help who you fall in love with. If you feel like you are getting into that type of situation again, just walk away. How would you feel if you had a bloke who cheated on you, its crap, i know! But i'm not going to blast your head off for this, it happened.
Try and look on it as a lucky escape. Take care and try to be positive think of all the lovely things about yourself which he will never have again. x
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