A
female
age
41-50,
*eidi_M
writes:I met my ex boyfriend through work although i didn't want to start anything in the beginning because i had just broken up with someone and he lived a very long way away from me. After around 6-9 months we started talking every day on the phone, things were going well and so he planned his first trip to visit me. Everything was going ok, we spent some time together and he wanted to come home with me to meet my parents (completely his idea, i just said to him "are you really sure?" as i didn't want to rush). He talked about moving in together, sharing a life and had already been saying for some time that he loves me.Unfortunately when he went back home he started behaving strangely saying things like he wasn't good enough for me, i should marry someone else. I also didn't like some of the nicknames he started using such as "fatty" (i'm not fat, i just have decent hips :) ) or "idiot" which in his eyes we sweet endearing names. A couple of weeks past and then i found out the truth by asking him, he said that he cannot marry/commit/or live with anyone (regardless if it's me or someone else). To this day he still refuses to explain why he cannot marry, but he will tell me when i am 60yrs old!! I was pretty devastated afterall it was him who first declared love so quickly in the beginning and started the commitment talk. We had a big arguement and he broke up with me, he said it would be the last time i would hear from him. The weird thing was the following day he called me again to check on me if i was ok and after a couple more days he called again acting like nothing had happened. When i confronted him that he had broken up he simply said "no i didn't". After that i didn't feel quite the same, but we continued because i did love him and somehow i thought we could work things out. I should also mention that he was having serious problems with his company and making ends meet, i really wanted to support him.Anyway, we continued for a couple of months but in that time i noticed that the communication was getting worse. He was always so busy and when he did call, he was completely wrapped up in himself and his work. Sometimes he would just talk to me for 10mins and then fall asleep. After a couple of months like this, me putting the effort in to listen and be supportive... the time between calls started to become longer and eventually we only talked every week or two. I knew at that point i couldn't continue so i said to him that it wasn't what i wanted and eventually i would want to commit and settle down. He agreed and we broke up.The part i am having trouble with is this. Four weeks later he calls me and asks if we can be really good, close friends. Normally after a break up i prefer not to have contact and to move on, otherwise i feel like i am carrying baggage or something around and am not really moving on. I told him i wasn't sure and that normally i need to make a break in order to move on. He said that what happened is completely his fault and that i was always understanding and supportive. He said whatever i want is fine with him. A couple of months past and he called me every 2-4 weeks for a chat, but to be honest i never really wanted to talk to him and for me it just didn't feel right. When we do talk it's like we don't have much in common, he focuses on his work and never really asks me anything about my job or life. He still said he loves me and misses me, and those are not the things i need to hear right now to move on. He might love me forever and in his words "more than any other guy, those guys will only love you for your looks" but that's not what i need. Also that to me isn't trying to behave like a friend because he is constantly blurring the lines. He wants to be "there for me" in his words, but i just find it really hard...He tried calling the other day but this time i didn't answer or call back, i just sent an sms trying to explain how hard i find it and i am also a little angry. I said i didn't want to really talk to him at the moment. In my eyes he knew what he was doing yet still entered into something with me, he wasn't honest or upfront in the beginning. Since then he keeps trying to text me, write on messenger or call me. I didn't ignore his sms's or msn, i just tried to keep a bit of a distance by not responding to things like "miss you" or "hi love".What i really want right now is some space and time for myself, i don't feel a friendship will work either... how can i explain this to him so that we can finish on good terms? Or should i keep the door open so we can be some kind of friends?
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female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (20 November 2009):
Sounds like that Kim Wilde song 'you keep me hangin' on' -- "And now that you've got your freedom you want to still hold onto me... you don't want me for yourself, so let me find somebody else"
This guy is a piece of work... he wants his cake and eat it too. He loves you but can't commit to you. You are very sweet, even though he broke your heart you still want to be kind to him. Tell him that you are flattered that he cares about you and wants to be friends, so he can start being your friend by being supportive of what you need -- the space to get over him and move on. Ask him to leave you alone and when you are ready to just be friends, you will be in touch.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 November 2009):
 I agree with you this man is not honest nor was he upfront with you. You dont owe him any explanation, in fact it sounds like you dont owe him anything, so shut the door, dont let him back in, he sounds selfish. Block his ID's, dont take his texts, block his emails and screen your calls.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 November 2009):
 As usual, I must agree with "satindesire," a young but very wise advisor here. Sometimes, it is best to let some relationships dissolve. Put this in your past and chalk it up to experience. You have a future, which hopefully will include a loving partner with far fewer difficult issues. A great partner in life is supportive rather than someone who constantly causes problems for you. There will always be challenges, but find someone who helps deal with issues rather than creates difficulties.
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