A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First, I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world. With that said, I made a foolish mistake of talking to my ex-girlfriend, and another girl while in a relationship with my girlfriend. I talked to the other two girls for a couple months, but I swear we never saw each other while I was with my girlfriend. The problem is, I lied to my girlfriend when she asked if I was talking to anyone and she found out I was lying. I lied to her because want her to know I was talking to them. Rightly so, now she does not trust me. I regret my decision to lie and betray her, and I promise never to lie to her again. What can I do to earn her trust again? Any advice will be helpful. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): This is a tricky situation, but I really believe that you can earn back her trust, given time. What you've done isn't a really heinous crime (at least compared to some) - it is a bit of a betrayal and is bound to cause some grief and upset. But it's not insurmountable.
One important rule: trying to build up someone's trust in you after losing it is like an old-fashioned computer game where you have one life. Lose that life and you have to start right back at the beginning. There's no 'save' position - you lose everything! The first rule is that you need to be utterly honest with her 100% of the time. If you behave angelically for 99 days and then lie about something minor on the 100th, all the hard work will go to waste! Once suspicion is aroused, it's a very vigilant trait, and your girl will be on the lookout for signs of unreliability. Give her nothing to work with, though, and her trust WILL grow again!
Secondly, be transparent. If you can't say something to another woman in front of her, maybe you shouldn't be saying it at all? For a time, allow her to read emails, MSN conversations, text messages to see that you really are being honest and above board.
Thirdly, if there are no children involved, cut contact with your ex. If that's not possible, only have contact that your girlfriend witnesses. It's really not fair to put your girlfriend in a situation where she has to deal with an omnipresent partner from your past! She would probably feel insecure about your having an ex in your life anyway, but now that these conversations have occurred behind her back, she is probably feeling terribly anxious about your commitment and fidelity. You need to do everything you can to allay those fears, and this definitely includes cutting out the women with whom you've been flirting!.
Fourthly, recognize that your girlfriend is currently feeling rejected, unattractive, and unworthy. Big her up! Buy her a tiny gift each day, or do something to show her that you thought of her. This doesn't need to take more than a minutes of your time, and it shouldn't be expensive. But it'll feel priceless to her. Keep telling her that you're sorry, that you feel terrible, and that you want to work on the relationship. Above all, keep repeating how much you love her.
If you really love her and are genuinely sorry for what you've done, none of these things will be a big deal in comparison to the prize of winning back her trust. Once you have it again, you should be able to regain some of your privacy and reclaim some space - though hopefully you'll never abuse that again to talk secretly behind her back!
You sound like a nice guy who understands that he's made a small mistake that's having big psychological consequences on his partner. You also seem very sincere and the type to achieve just about anything you set out to do. So I think you will probably be successful in regaining her affection and trust! I do wish you the very best of luck.
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