A
female
age
41-50,
*erato29
writes:i need help,7 yrs ago 2 before we got married my husband called me by his ex wifes name,i got angry ,he apolojised but it stil happens sometimes.one night we had sex and he called by her name after this i asked him why did you do that,he said no i dont remember.lastnight he called out her name on his sleep and it hurts he said he doesnt remember.i am so hurt by this i dont know what to do.i am actually not talking to him i feel like i am a spare wheel.how can i compete with someone i have never met.i feel like leaving everything i am so tired.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010): Wow...that sounds very painful.I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but it could just be a biological thing that can't be helped. Humans are only animals afterall...I remember reading about a research study about just this subject. It showed that we have a built in biological mechanism that makes us want to have just one mate for a long long time. (They believe due to how long it takes to raise children)We tend to "imprint" on our first real love and it can be very difficult to get that person out of our minds. Some people have this more than others, and it sounds like your husband subconsciously cannot get her out of his head.This doesn't mean that he wants to be with her consciously. Chances are they are now two very different people and have moved into directions that would make getting back together very challenging. For one...he is married to you.It may not be helpful, but I have a similar experience. Only just a few short years ago finally I was able to get my ex out of my head. I had been with him as my first love, and even before that as my first crush when we were children. He grew to be a very cruel person and I got out of that relationship, however I still had feelings for him for 15 years! I would wonder how he was doing, dream about him, and sometimes even use him as a fantasy during sex when things got boring. It was, however, not the real him that I was thinking about...it was an idealized version that I had in my head. I had forgotten about all of the bad things and only held onto the good parts in my mind.I had to make a very clear effort to say...I do not want that man, I want my husband. It's not that simple, but I had to do alot of thinking about it to get him out of my mind.I don't think it would have helped if my husband had gotten upset about it. It would have been difficult for me to explain to him and likely would have led to misunderstanding. In the end his loving nature and wonderful personality had attracted me and kept me focused in our relationship.We have been together for 18 years now and I am more in love with him than ever.I hope that it is the same for you. Good luck!
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 Sounds like he's not over her. By 7 years, he should barely remember her, much less calling out her name over and over during sex. You need to make a stand about this and not let him off the hook about it.
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