A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. During our 5 years, he has kissed another girl while drinking. This happened a few months ago in May.The girl he kissed was his cousin's girlfriend. His cousin was very mean to her, and she always came to him crying because of how his cousin was. He kept telling me they were just really good friends, and I wasn't insecure of their friendship until I found out about their one-kiss through phone messages. But he had told her to just forget about it because he loves me, and that it was just a big mistake on his part, that he didn't know why he did it. Even still, it has haunted me ever since, though we've been trying to deal and get past it. So far, things are better in our relationship than they were before.Anyways, the girl ends up dumping her bf (his cousin) and goes off to dating other people after the kiss. After the incident happened, he stopped hanging out with his cousin from the guilt/etc. His cousin was completely heartbroken over the fact his gf had left him, and apologized for all the times he was mean, but just could not comprehend why she wouldn't give him another chance. It's December now, and my boyfriend's family is very close knit. He knows that I'm bothered whenever I hear of the girl's name, or his cousin to a certain extent, but I tolerate it because his cousin's innocent in the whole thing and blinded by what happened. No one ever told him. Anyways, his cousin has been coming over a lot lately, and he's -very- nice to me. Polite, etc. But every time I see him, I think of what happened and I just feel a hugeeee knot in my stomach.Everything's gone so well after that incident. My bf and I spend time together often, and always texts me when he goes out. Tells me I'm beautiful, etc. But every time I'm reminded of cheating in movies, books, or just seeing reminders of what happened (his cousin) I just feel so horrible and hurt. I can't watch movies or read books that have that theme in it. I can't even make eye contact with his cousin for too long.How can I get over this?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Ummm... Forgiveness is NOT the answer. You need to leave him. Yes, what he did for the girl was very good. He kissed her and she left her abusive boyfriend.However, you also need to leave him, because he kissed another girl. If it bothers you so much, then that is what you do.Being closer with resentment is not being closer at all. It is faking being closer. It is his fault. We all make active choices. I got drunk a few weeks ago and was in the restroom at a restaurant. I spat on the wall. I CHOSE to do that. It was out of character, but I chose to do it. I weighed the pros and cons, made sure no one was around, and spat.You know how you feel. If you can forgive him without any regrets, fine. However, I KNOW you can't, so move on. It is hard, but so is living with a piece of regret.
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 People keep saying that you need to get over it, but the fact of the matter is - you don't. He hung out with a girl that was his COUSIN'S girlfriend - Mistake #1. He became an emotional crutch to his cousin's partner who treated her badly throughout their relationship, and yet she never took any of this up with her boyfriend - Mistake #2. He knew you weren't at all insecure about their friendship and used you trust to get to a point of a deep emotional vulnerability - Mistake #3. He ALLOWED her emotional vulnerability to get the best of him with "one drunken kiss" - Mistake #4. He didn't tell you about this incident himself out of guilt or love for you, you found out through PHONE MESSAGES - the mistake that would end it for me.The reason you can't get over it is because you shouldn't have to. What he did was wrong on a lot of different levels. Not only did he betray his family, but he betrayed the girl that he claims to love. He had a couple red flags staring directly in his face, but did that stop him? No. Not only that, but he took an emotionally damaged girl and used her vulnerability against her. Now he's saying that she'll have to get over it because he loves you. And he's basically telling you you'll have to get over it because it was a mistake. So the relationship is better now? Of course it is when it comes to his actions. He feels guilty. But as far as your heart and mind go, you're far worse off.Movies, books, T.V. shows, etc. are not the problems and are not causing your insecurities. It's his actions that drove you to feel the way that you do. If you simply cannot get over it, then I think it's time you end this relationship and free yourself from these thoughts. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, and standing up to him and telling him that HIS actions alone could mean the end of your relationship does not make you a bad person or a weak person. It means that you know what's best for you and you're going to put yourself first. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 If its been 7 months (7 good months) and you still obsess over it, maybe you can't get over it. I think you should consider breaking up with him. It sounds like he has done everything he can to say he is sorry and reassure you, and its not working. So, now, if you are not capable of putting it out of your mind, its probably time to think about moving on. There is no magic cure for getting over cheating. You have to make a commitment now, either a commitment to yourself to break up with him, or a commitment to the relationship, to forget about that kiss. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, supermum  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 I guess you have to options here. You can either forgive him, or you can't. If you can forgive him, then you need to truly forgive him, and then whatever you read or hear about in movies, songs or books wont affect you. Or you can't forgive him, in which case it is probably best that you move on.From what this sounds like though, it was a genuine mistake. He did not (from what it appears) deliberatly go out to cheat on you, it was just a silly moment that happened in the heat of a deep conversation and was forgotten about very quickly. At least you know about it and what happened. I suggest having a talk with your bf, tell him you are struggling with what he has done and you need to know how he really feels etc etc.I wish you luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): I do understand how painful this is for you. You could actually use this incident to really love and trust your boyfriend so much more. He was put in a situation with someone he genuinely cares about, kissed her and was able to absolutely stop everything. He knew he made a mistake and told her so. He has taken steps to make it as right as he can. We are not perfect, no one is, your boyfriend made a genuine mistake... he didn't even let it go far at all. For having made a mistake, his actions are admirable. I think if my ex bf was in that situation he would have let it go as far as the girl would allow. He would not stop seeing her, and he wouldn't make amends. You can see that he really truely loves you and has probably even ended the friendship he had with his cousins (now ex) girlfriend. I suggest you try to pin a positive view on the incident. See it as almost a big test your boyfriend passed with flying colours. He may have just got his emotions momentarily confused. He cared for the girl and she was upset, when he realized what he had done...he put it right. Give your boyfriend a huge kiss and love him for doing the right thing after a bad incident.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Hi,I am sorry you feel this way. Nothing can changed what has happened, but what matters now is that your boyfriend is regretful, he's nice to you, and he loves you....It was just a stupid kiss... Understand that we all make mistakes once. I am not saying that what happened is ok, and there's no excuse, but we all make mistakes... You need to forgive the person. Do you see this girl frequently? If so, you need to be a better person and just try to be civil with her. The forgiveness is not for her, but you... So you can stop feeling this pain everytime you see her, or every little thing that reminds of the incident. Once you forgive her, and start being civil, you will start feeling better, and in peace. You mentioned that ever since the incident you, and your boyfriend have become closer, spending more time, happy??? That's all that matters....Forgiveness is you answer.... Hope you feel better soon....Good luck
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