A
female
age
30-35,
*arie23
writes:Hello Aunts,I'm in a little bit of a dilemma. I have not been in a serious relationship since my last one about 2/3 years ago. It was a breakup that set me over the edge and made me swear off relationships for awhile. So I decided to have fun rather than be serious and I had a few FWB here and there but the past year have felt pretty lonely and definitely used by these guys. OF COURSE I don't meet a guy automatically wanting a FWB but if it happens it happens. But the last few guys I have been interested in more than a FWB and tried to steer clear of that path ended up exactly that. Especially the last guy. Granted he was 18 and I was 4 years older than him but the way he went about it just seemed so sneaky and "guy" like. We met through mutual friends, exchanged numbers, talked for a week, he wanted to take me for coffee or come over and watch a movie yada yada. And I held off as long as I could because I wanted to see if he really was looking for something a little more serious and when he wanted to go on a little date and other things I figured he was a little serious. Long story short, no he wasnt. He pretty much used me and I didnt give out any signals, in my opinion, that would tell him that's what I wanted. So evidently it turned into a FWB situation and then ended and it kind of left me feeling useless and alone. I feel like I can honestly never find someone who wants to actually be with me..and I don't trust any guy now. It's not just this kid it's every guy I've met and been with in the past.Fast forward to today, I met yet another 18 year old, I suppose I'm a cougar haha not really but I'm 23 and he'll be 19 tomorrow. We met at a party and pretty much the same started happening like it did with the previous guy. texting, flirting etc. But this guy I really like and have a lot in common with him. He seems very genuine and my friends think he's a really nice guy. I've gone over to his house a few times but nothing has happened as I don't want another FWB situation. How can i avoid my cursed relationship status of FWBs? The really sad thing is I don't really know how to get a guy to like me without sleeping with him..my last boyfriends I slept with them but they were just the type to want monogamous relationships I guess. This present guy says all the right stuff to me and seems like he'd be good with just being with me...but there is still that BUT..that feeling in my gut that tells me it's just another joke another way to sleep with me and I'm not sure I can handle it. I'm a busy person but I can make time for someone who is worth it. I'm ok with not being official but maybe exclusive with the intent of being together in the future possibly. I guess I just don't want another FWBs. I'm over it. But how do I figure if that's what he wants? Do I come out and just say it? Make him wait on sex and see what he does? I am really at a loss. I like him, he seems to like me..any suggestions?
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (25 June 2013):
 People are inherently lazy and will take the path of least resistance due to their own human nature. Men that are attracted to you will sleep with you if you let them. Men will not commit to you if you don't specifically tell them that's what you want. Because FWB is SO MUCH EASIER than a relationship.The kind of backwards, archaic though processes that many people still hold to is that women that "put out" easily aren't "relationship worthy", and people will often only commit to a woman that does not allow them to get too physical too soon in the relationship.My standard advice? No sex before relationship. If you're not his girlfriend, he gets nothing sexual from you. Some men will not be okay with that, and that's FINE. Do not lower your standard in order to get a relationship. It's worth it to find a guy that will really be interested in you, and not just what's in your pants.In the future, hopefully the outdated notion that early sex means a woman isn't worthy of a relationship will go away. But until then, you have to work within the model of our current culture, and that means that you need to present yourself as what most people think is "relationship material".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Let me give you a dose of hard truth that a lot of women in FWBs don't like facing up to:
FWBs (and all casual sex for that matter) can be fun partly because they allow you to mess with guys you cannot otherwise get. You can sleep with a lot of hot guys who would be out of your league if you demanded an actual relationship.
So if you are like typical girls trying to get out of the FWB habit, then your attractiveness standards for guys may have to come back down a notch (or more). This is not lowering your standards, this is going back to choosing guys who are "only" in the same attractiveness range as you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2013):
 Don't settle for NOT being official and NOT being exclusive. Stop being so vague. Maybe be together in the future... No, if you WANT a BF, then look for a BF, not a maybe, possibly BF, because what you will get if THAT is your mindset is a FWB. He will "take you for a test-drive" to possibly date you maybe sometime in the future... and then they will decide that this FWB is working JUST fine so why change anything? See my point?
Though I think you are not understanding how you project yourself to these guys. If you are willing to be all flirty in texts I would think a LOT of them assume that if you are sexting/flirting in tests that you are not looking for something serious.
My advice, GET to know a guy NOT via text/FB or whatnot but FACE to FACE. Go OUT with him, DATE.
And BE honest with what you want and DO NOT be afraid to tell a guy that you are LOOKING for a BF not something casual. If he is interested in the same he will stick around if he wants FWB he won't but at least you will know early on and maybe that way you can stop wasting time on guys who only want sex or FWB.
And DO NOT sleep with a guy til you know him and you two are exclusive and official. Give YOURSELF some time to get to know a dude before getting to "know" him in a physical way.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 June 2013):
If you let a guy have a FWB relationship with you instead of an emotional one, he will, almost always. These guys aren't using you, because they aren't lying to get you in the sack. You're just sleeping with them too soon and expecting nothing from them. Sweet words mean nothing without matching actions.
If they won't take you out on dates for a few weeks with no sex then move on. By the way, I think you should tell guys you prefer meeting in person or at the minimum speaking on the phone. Text messages don't really say "I want a relationship".
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