A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend who I live with for over 6 years, he is 29 I am 24.I need some help trying to understand.For the last 3 years his been on medications, he has had lots of weird side effects from the medications, including weight gain ,depression,breathing problems and lack of sex drive.It was not until about 6 months ago I discovered he had been masterbating to porn almost every day, sometimes even up to 4 times a day.I have tried talking to him about the lack of intimacy in our relationship, and how its been making me feel, I have spoken to him about this maybe twice in the last 6 months and maybe another 2 times before that, I did not tell him I knew of the the porn, that does not worry me but what does worry me is he keeps saying he has no sex drive due to the mediations yet he gets off every day to porn.Sometimes he will show no intimacy towards me for 2-5 months at a time and nothing will happen unless I initiate, I feel really down and depressed, and now I feel like I am doing something wrong or he does not find me attractive in that way anymore because he would rather look at porn.why would someone lie and say they have no sex drive yet look at porn everyday?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 First of all... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, your still as beautiful as ever, your still sexy and gorgeous and don't let his behaviour (or any man's behaviour) EVER cause you to doubt how special you are. People have their problems, but YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF THEM.
Porn satisfies a lot of needs. But what you guy is doing at the moment is using it for pain relief. Remember what you said, he's on medication, he's put on weight, he can't breathe, he's had depression. When you feel like this, you don't feel sexy to your partner, you don't feel sexy to yourself. You feel ugly, useless and inadequate and you want to hide away because you are embarrassed by the way you have changed.
The girls in porn are easier. First they don't move, so no issues with breathing. They don't mind if your dick can't come up sometimes because you are anxious and depressed. The porn girls are always smiling, they can't see you, so they can't judge. Because they can't see how "ugly and useless" you are, there is no fear of failure, nothing to worry about.
Not like a real woman, who you want to make happy and you want to impress.
So you grab your "non-moving" porn girl, and you turn to her too often, because when your doing sex, you happiness chemicals kick in and the problems of your life disappear. He's using porn to hide away from the world because he basically feels like shit.
Sigh.. how do we help him. He's running the wrong way, he's shutting himself off from the love that could make him feel better about everything.
Sorry babes, but sex isn't on the menu right now. Instead we try to make him laugh and remind him what happiness looks like "outside" the bedroom. Try and get him to take you out to nice places. Try to take him to nice places. Movies, funfair, dinner, romantic walks.. anything non-sexual and fun, where there is no pressure and you both can be together and remember how to laugh. Once we get him remembering what fun is like outside of sex and the bedroom, then he'll start remembering what sex felt like with you. When he see's you trying harder to make him remember happiness, when he spends time with you just talking about everything and nothing, he'll remember your a billion times better than a "non-moving" porn star, who always smiles, but never worries about him or takes her time to make him smile.
Try to encourage him to go on dates with you, hopefully he'll be able to tell you his fears, and you can convince him that you find him sexy and you miss him very much in your bed.
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