A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have had too many social problems my whole life especially with women and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Mostly I'm being friend-zoned or else I'm being led on or just teased or something. I mean, I even had this one woman I worked with who seemed really nice and friendly and chatty and then one day I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said, "that's really none of your business" and she's basically been SUPER cold to me ever since. I mean, I wasn't staring at her boobs or making sex comments or anything like that so I don't know where I went wrong. How else was I supposed to know if I didn't ask? And I did ask someone else and they said to ask her.Or, I'll be at a party or bar or something and I'll be talking to some girl and she smiles a lot and looks me in the eye and introduces me to her friends and we have a great conversation until I want to give her my number and she says, "Oh, I"m not interensted" Or I'll be friends with this girl, hang out with her or whatever, take her out to dinner or other things with just the two of us (I'll pay) and she dresses up and when I try to kiss her or ask her if she likes me the way I like her she says, "Oh, I just want to be friends."I mean ... it can't be just me here! How am I misreading people so much all the time? I've tried chatting up strangers and msot of the time they act like they just want to run away. I've tried hanging out in groups, getting to know the girl as a peson and that's how I get friend-zoned. I try to pull off confident like the guys who do get the girls and I get treated like I have leprosy or something.Half those guys are uglier than I am and they're total assholes you can tell from a mile away, so why do the girls end up with them and cry to me that they're being treated like crap? I was told that I shouldn't be so sympathetic and listening because that puts me in the friend zome, but then I'm an asshole they don't want to talk to at all when I say, "If you didn't like him, why did you ever flirt with him?" "I could have told you he was an asshole when he kept pulling you away from your friends all night"I'm just really frustrated here. Is there a way to stop being friend-zoned without having to be an asshole too? And when I am point-blank, how do I do that without coming across as creepy? What body language to loof for? I thought girls who smiled and laughed and played iwth their hair and hugged you were into you!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2014):
 OP, you have been having these problems for years now, and if you don't know what you are doing wrong then you are asking the wrong questions or have some expectation that life is supposed to give you x if you have y and do z.
Having said that, I think that Myau has given you some great advice: "What you need to do is, make friends with one girl. Make sure she has lots of girls as friends and ask her to fix you up. Do not hit on her, she is a friend, treat her as one."
I have to question you on this, you say that the girls run to you for comfort after they have been hurt by a guy…. then you are the honorary man friend, sort of like the gay best friend in "My Best Friend's Wedding." Don't fill that role any more. Thre's that infamous 'friend-zone' where the guy assumes that if he puts in the work of being a supportive friend that the payback will be that she will suddenly see him as a viable romantic/sex partner. That's the death spiral of a 'nice guy'… the assumption that offering friendship will lead to sexual favors and romantic coupling…. please don't make that rookie mistake.
My observation of your posts is that you are now at the point of objectifying the women you meet into a cliche. You aren't looking at them as individuals, you are instead filtering what you expect of them through your own insecurities, fears and expectations. That's a deadly combination which is keeping you from actually connecting with a woman as she is, instead of as you expect and dread she will be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): Well, for professional reasons you don't ask women, or anyone, personal-questions at work. It is none of your business, if she has a boyfriend. She wasn't looking for one at work, and was embarrassed to be asked in-front of people. She was right, but bitchy about it. Now you know better than to ask such a question so boldly, especially at work.
As for all this being friend-zoned. Stop approaching girls looking for a girlfriend, and just be friendly. Period.
Don't assume they like you just because they're nice to you.
They don't even know you. Even if you're having a good-time and you've chatted awhile. Maybe you just aren't they're type. Don't take it personal if they don't want to give you their number. Maybe you need to learn to tone it down a bit. You are too blatant and need to learn to be tactful and use finesse. Develop swagger and more charm.
Kissing up to a girl is phony and obvious. Don't act like you're slowly sneaking-up on a wild bird; not to spook it into flight. They're intelligent beings. If they find you creepy, then maybe you come off a little awkward. You're learning.
You're already taking notice of their reactions and that will cause you to study your own behavior. You will learn with time and practice. If you're too excited and over-enthusiastic to get a girl's attention, she gets embarrassed and realize you lack charm and coolness.
Not only that, but you aren't used to being with girls.
If you put on fake charm, they see through it. So maturity will soften your rough edges. You'll meet girls who like your type. You just haven't so far in the circles you've been in. Mostly around people who know you, or know of you.
Take a yoga class. Most of the members are calm and very poised and easy-going. You will also learn poise, balance, and calm. Don't join to hit on women. Join for self-improvement, centering, and to get used to being around a room full of women. You get all giddy, like a kid in a candy shop. Girls take notice of that.
You're not misreading people, you get too excited that they're being nice to you. You're starving for female-attention and it comes off a bit creepy. You're also friend-zoned; because the girls you're approaching may not be interested in dating at the time. You have bad-timing.
That also comes with practice. Say hello, chat. Just meet and greet. Get used to the feeling of being friendly without ulterior motives behind your introduction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): The classic case of a guy who wants to be a "nice guy" but doesn't necessarily want to become a jerk (because, that's what women want, right? To be mistreated.). Your coworker at was just being friendly and to her, you stepped over the line. She can react as coldly as she wants to in order to make you step back behind the line even if you did not have ill intentions. Do not take smiles and eye contact as interest, at least not all the time. Women are expected to smile in public (especially when they make eye contact) so it depends on context. People at bars or clubs are not always seeking hookups or relationships. Women (and men) like to go out and party with their friends. They will dress up, flirt, touch, hug, and then leave without a second thought.Some people will lead you on intentionally and unintentionally. Honestly, better to go dutch if you eat out and pick a casual, inexpensive place. On the second meeting, you can offer to pay. If someone urges you to pay, there might be something amiss. In terms of reading people, it mostly depends on the woman herself. Some will give you soft, mixed, hard, or no signals of whether you are boyfriend material or not. See how they interact with others. Study their body language. Are they generally outgoing and offering hugs? If so, do not think too much into a hug. Are they stiff and distant when they are alone with you? If so, fall back. The best way not to be a creep is to respect boundaries and never offer excessive flattery. Idolizing someone is a turnoff. Mentioning sex early on is worrisome and invasive. Overall, be respectful, considerate, and do not be ingratiating. If it fails, well, what is so bad about friends?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (2 April 2014):
 Before I start. I want to ask one thing: Are you hung up on a particular girl?
It seems you are.
If yes: Dude, she isn't into you and never will be. Stop wasting your time and meet someone else. And stop letting her cry on your shoulder. It's just making you feel bad.
If no: Absolutely never and I mean never be the guy whose shoulder they cry on. That's their dads job. Let him do it.
What you need to do is, make friends with one girl. Make sure she has lots of girls as friends and ask her to fix you up. Do not hit on her, she is a friend, treat her as one.
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