A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My apologies in advance, for this is going to be a very long story.My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year. He is a 29 year old German scientist and we met when I was there for a summer research program. At the end of the summer we confessed our love for each other, agreed to try this out, and I spent the last week at his house. He lives with his parents, and he is very close to them and the rest of his family. He tells me that he lives with them because his university is a short commute away, and it saves money. Before I left Germany, he told me that he never permanently considered living outside of Germany, but would be willing to come to the US while I finish grad school.The long distance relationship went great. We called every other day and talked for hours and got to know each other, or at least I thought we did. He visited during winter break, and the feeling of seeing him again after 4 months was wonderful. He began to during that time plan our life together. We discussed children, and kitchen sink heights. I signed up for a German course in my city, and did study abroad in northern Europe that spring mostly to be closer to him, even though I was in Scandinavia. I visited him some more in February, and stayed at his parent's house. His parents are very old-fashioned, good people. She cooks and cleans everything; he fixes some things outside and around the house but that's about it. They lead simple, relaxed and monotonous lives centered around family traditions and gatherings. During this time I felt homesick and told him so.I had also, during the same time as our relationship, began to have my doubts that my science major was the right path for me. I was starting to loathe many aspects of my work, and began to dream of becoming a designer, or possibly a writer. When I confessed this to him over winter break, he seemed well on board, and we began to research where in Germany I could do this. There was only love and support from him. This past summer I spent with him, living at his parents' house again. I took a German course, began to actually converse with his parents (who speak no English) and we continued to agonize over how my career change would be accommodated in Germany. I also confessed to him that I am homesick, and don't know what to do. I told him that maybe we can make some kind of compromise, where we live in Germany for some years, then in the US for some. He told me that it's impossible for him because our family life would be messed up and our children. I also told him I had always dreamed of living in California and New York for some years and wondered if he would be open to this. To this he said little. Finally, we came to some agreement that I would finish architecture school in the states and he would join me there for that time. We began the job hunt together, he made a resume, and we even traveled to the US while at a conference there, and he presented himself to try to grab a job. There was no success, and he seemed greatly discouraged.When I finally came back to the US for the new school year (my final year in undergrad), all the efforts for his part to come to the US stopped. All emails with job searches were ignored. He told he his focus is to finish his PhD, and then we see. I began to consider continuing in science, and looked at some programs in Germany. He helped me with this (talk about selective email response!). Then I had cold feet about continuing in science, because my instinct just told me that I would be mediocre at best in it, but I have quite a talent for design and writing. So I began to consider how to fit these dreams into a life with him in Germany. As a side note, I must emphasize how close he is to his family. They go to church together, vacation together, eat dinner together, talk every day. His mother does his laundry, cooks for him, cleans his room when he is at his research job. They are, I think, not the philosopher types. They are simple people who raised a family and discuss fairly straightforward and concrete things. He is also a very technical person; he plays with circuits in his free time, and he is a very logical and analytical person (like most Germans). There is not a drop of artistic blood in him, I think. His perception of things, I think, are also very logical. On his book shelf one finds technical books, save for some literature he had to read for school.He is also, it seems, a very risk-adverse person. I once considered opening an architecture firm (when I was still considering architecture), and while he initially went along with the idea, he finally confessed, slowly over time, that he is not OK with me doing that, because it puts too much pressure on the family, and could result in a major financial loss.So back to the story. I began to toy around with how to jump into a design or writing career more seriously. Since I am not totally sure which I want, and even now have my uncertainties, I considered each one equally, and how it would make our life together easier, as well as my happiness of course with the subject. I also voiced my concern and disturbance that it already middle of September and we still don't have a plan for how he will come to the US to be with me while I finish grad school (the plan was, as it had been in the summer, that i would finish architecture grad school in the US and he would get a job there to be with me, or a postdoc). He told me he is also disturbed by this, and then began to cry. He said that he had spent the day looking at photos of us, and it hurt to remember all the good times. He said, however, that neither one of us could be uprooted, and that if he goes to the US for some years, Germany might be totally different when he comes back, and he does not know what to think of that. Or after some years, I may decide not to follow him back, and then we are miserable. Or I may keep my promise and go back to Germany with him, but then be miserable there. Or I do my grad school in Germany, and then am stuck there because I cannot work legally as an architect anywhere else (that's the law).Crying myself, I said, half-thinking, "I can't break up with you, so if it's going to happen, you're going to have to do it, because I'll never leave you." He said that he has cold feet either way, while crying. Finally he said that he thought about it, and this whole year has been a dream. It seemed to me like he was giving up. Crying, I told him we can work it out. He then said quietly, still in tears, that there is probably nothing more to talk about. I said how can you say that? Why can't we keep talking as we did before; he said, ok, we can keep talking, but let's not talk about our life plans. Let's talk about other things.I had recently finished my first novel, earlier that month, and it was still a pretty fresh thing for me. During the weekend following that conversation, I decided, on a whim, that I would take two years off, work, and then get an MFA in writing and become a writer. On monday we talked again (though I had to request the talk, he made no suggestion), and I proposed this idea to him. At this point, his response was very cold. He said, "If that is what you want, then I wish you all the best with that." Shocked, I asked him what he means by that, and aren't we going to make our plans together? He said that if I had told him this plan to become a writer half a year ago, maybe, but at this point he can no longer believe any plan I make. He also said he consulted with his sister over the weekend and she told him to focus on his career, and that this is what he is going to do. He said that in all this time trying to help me live out my dreams, he neglected his, and said he's now focusing on that. I asked him, don't you want to talk to me? Aren't you committed to me? Don't you love me? He said, that the answer to the last two questions is definitely, but to the first, he is not sure. I said why? He said, hesitating, that it's because this writing idea is fresh in his mind, and he needs to think about it. We left it off, after practically forcing him, to talk in a week. This is how it carried on for the next 2 weeks; we talked once in the weekend, short, sweet, uncaring of life plan discussions. I told him once that I am not happy with us growing apart; he said it's inevitable because our lives are not coming together.At this, I began to look for jobs in Germany; I looked at IT work, housekeeping, and mostly English teacher. I told him I would be OK with working part-time as an English teacher and writing the other time. He told me this is selfish, because he plans to work full-time, and I am not doing my share. I asked him if he had read my book yet, and he said that I'm repeating myself. He also said that his 'bohemian' life i am planning is not something he understands, and cited a couple whose wedding he had attended two weeks earlier, who made vows to love each other as they are now and as they will be in the future. He said that I am changed so many times my life plans that he does not know if this vow would apply to us, and does not know when or if he will ever trust me again. (!)I told him, crying and pleadingly, that I am still the same person, and that career choice has nothing to do with the woman he loves. I asked him if he loves me, and he did not answer, only said that it has to do with all he told me earlier. He said when he met me, I was an ambitious little physicist, and now I have changed 180 degrees. He says he does not even understand what an artist would be doing with a scientist, and called my interest for both sides of the brain to be "spooky." He said that he thought we could go on talking as friends, but as was the case with his old girlfriends, we just keep opening old wounds. OLD WOUNDS?! What the hell! I did not even realize the relationship was over!I asked him, what do you see me as, a friend, a girlfriend, what? He said that is the big question, and he does not know. Then I asked him if we are in a relationship, and he said, no we are not currently in a relationship. He finally ended the conversation with telling me that if he has one piece of adivce to give me, we distance ourselves now and i think clearly what I want to do with my life, uninfeluenced by him. He had always feared that he is influencing my decisions, and he did not want to potentially ruin both our lives when I go to Germany as a housekeeper and then hate my life there. I told him, two days later in an email, that I will do that now, and be alone and think about what I want to do with my life. He said that is a smart plan, and that he wishes me all the best for the future. What is going on here??!!!??!!?!-Heart-broken American
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): Hello,
I am the poster of the question. I thought more carefully about the replies, and need to add a few things because, I think the situation is more complicated than my original question made it seem.
You see....he supported my idea of becoming an architect very much. He also supports the idea of me becoming a writer, provided that the stability issue (not a starving writer) is established. What he does not seem to support is a bohemian life, since he is the antithesis of that.
Furthermore, there were some additional things he said in the final conversation: he suggested I meet someone new, that in a "few weeks or months" it would make sense to me why we don't talk as much anymore, told me he does not understand why an artist would be with a scientist ("you know, the whole left-brain, right-brain thing?" is what he said to the question of why).
He refused to read my book at that point, which really hurts. I would think my life partner appreciates, above anyone else, my gifts to the world. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): Thank you for the thoughtful responses. I have passed the point where I am crying all the time, and am now in the phase where I realize, after the pain, that I still love him, but also logically see that this is not a perfect match. We both saw that from the beginning, I think, but tried it anyway.
I will see what happens, for now I am just trying to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I've given myself a deadline to either compromise completely and be with him or let him go, in mid November.
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): This is simply different expectations and wants.You don't mesh well at these levels.It is time to move on, eventually, if you are patient, dedicated, and determined, you will find the one who does mesh well.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I think he showed you who he was LONG before the changes in your career plans.
He told you from the start (only about a year ago) that he would TRY a long distance relationship, but he was adamant about not relocating permenantly outside of Germany.
You knew he was dependantly living with his parents. You met them and saw that he had a very staunch (traditional) german upbringing.
Within that year, you flip flopped quite a few times about what you wanted to do with your life.
Your values and goals in life do not match what this man wants to do with his life.
While you did discuss the future, he clearly saw that it was not going to mesh with his own plans and he did not want to alter yours. He looked into his future and he did not see you there. In his head, he already saw the two of you broken up when he said there was nothing more to talk about and did not want to talk about life plans.
Dear, you were not listening to this man the entire time. You loved the dream and the brightness of all the hope that went with it-that your eyes were closed to the facts.
Accept his decision gracefully, grieve the loss, and approach your career in a manner that fulfills you. Eventually, you will meet someone that hopefully is on the same page with you with similiar values and goals.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
 or like Chigirl said NONE of the above
it's not cold feet or no balls or not enough love...
you just have different ideas of how life should be lived.
Sadly the differences you have with him are fundamental differences and unless you are willing to compromise how you live and where you live I don't hold much hope for your relationship.
he had agreed to come with you when the plans were more concrete and spend some time with you here but then figured eventually you would return to his homeland where his comfort level is. And now you want to change those rules on him and he's not able to do so.
He probably does love you very very much but only within the structure and guidelines he's drawn up in his brain.
To be honest the changing your mind every few weeks or so has got to be wearing on the relationship. But BOTH of you must be true to yourselves. that means you need to either find a creative job and accept that he can't cope with that or do a job that you are not thrilled with but makes him comfortable. That choice is yours and yours alone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 It is quite obvious what is going on here. You repeated it yourself many many times. He is a man of structure, stability, calmness, and likes things that are predictable. You on the other hand are loose, wild, have changes of heart, turn around 180 degrees at a whim, takes sudden breaks from education, wants to work full time, then half time, then do this, then do that.
Nothing wrong with your lifestyle. I know several people who are like that. I myself am quite loose around the edges and don't see myself as set in stone to do something permanent, nor do I require that of a partner. But SOME predictability is nice. With you and him there was never any predictability. You were long distance. You didn't know if you could ever be together permanently. So the basis for the relationship was not steady. Second, the career choices made for further unsteadiness. Now, had you and him both been living in the same country, and not far from each other either, it'd be no problem. Because then the major concern in your relationship, where you will live, would be ok. At least for a while.
But what would happen if at some point in life you wanted to move? He'd not wish to follow. You'd be separated again. Because he's not free like a bird, as you are. He doesn't want to uproot himself. He wants to be steady as a rock, with everything carved in stone, everything predictable and steady. And you just can't give him that. It'd ruin who you are, it'd ruin your nature. He sees this.
It's time for you to accept who you are. If you want this man you would have to go back to your original study program (the one you were on when you met him) finish it, and then move to him. With no complaints about being home sick.
But that's not the life you want, you are still unsure of what life you want. You can't give him that. So don't try. Give up on this man, he isn't the one for you. After a year together you have come to discover many difficulties, and it is not worth it to destroy who you are to keep him. He would not be happy with that, neither would you in the long run.
Find a man who is more free-spirited, who doesn't think too far ahead (marriage and kids after only a year when you are long distance is way too soon), who can adapt to change, and is INDEPENDENT. Because this German man is not independent. He is locked down by too many things, family, country, work, to be able to change his plans for you.
None of you are in the wrong. You just aren't a good fit, and he's not the one for you.
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