A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfreind for 4 yrs broken up for some short times but we always manage to work it out.i love him and he wants to get married how do i know hes for real and he has cheated before but i got thru it, one of my good freinds says once acheater always one and i dont know how to tell if he is changed and ready to commit to just me?and at the age of 22 Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (29 May 2009):
 I will disagree wholeheartedly with both posters below. You have been with him for 4 years...
And Cheating is not a mistake. Mistakes are wrong lane changes. Cheating is a conscious decision. Did he trip over a rug and fall into another woman's Vagina?
If you can get over it, thats on you, but realize that being in a committed relationship is an audition for a life together (marraige, children, etc.)and he has already failed that test by cheating
I am staring to think however that the differences on the advice about cheaters run along gender lines. That may or not be the case, just an observation as far as this site.
Many people of both genders however stupidly consider it a mistake or what I like to call an "unhappy accident". But with me I am an absolutist in this regard. Cheating is a dealbreaker hands down. No forgive and surely never forget. and they should be shamed to no end.
There is no excuse ever for cheating. Those who make excuses for cheaters are full of shit, for they rationalize the ultimate betrayal of a relationship.
The only advice I can give you is "Actions Speak Louder than words". And trust your gut. If you think something is wrong, it's because it is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): First off, take a moment to make sure that marriage will be helpful for you in your life. Because it is a big commitment. I know divorce is easier these days, but marriage is something that means you are financially linked. You've been together for four years, but that means that you've been together since age 18? I'm sure you know that those are volatile years of your life, and your life will probably continue being pretty volatile for a while. So just be ready to do a lot more growing.. basically, are you sure you know you want to change in those ways that you will change (whatsoever they may be) with a constant precense of this man. If so, then that's step one!One a cheater, NOT always a cheater. That is a myth. People do get stuck in patterns, that is the truth. But it doens't mean they can never break them. That is, in fact, an incredibly limiting belief to put on someone you love. Because if you think about it, it means that you've created an excuse for yourself not to get more intimate with him. What you should ask yourself is whether that belief is serving you, and if not, then whether you even chose to believe that. Finally, do you feel it is a true belief? If not, you can choose a new thing to believe. Yes, you can choose your beliefs.Now in terms of the cheating thing. Cheating happens when people feel trapped, or bored, or upset, or lonely. Cheating is, first and foremost, a mistake. I'm certain that he didn't mean to hurt you with his actions. Is that something you agree with? Do you know why it happened and what his intentions were at the time? If not, DO NOT get married. Figure it out more, because ignoring the problem won't solve it.Chances are he cheated on you not because he doesn't love you, not because he lacks devotion and commitment. I almost 100% guarantee there was some sort of break-down in communication that occured. Make sure your lover feels comfortable telling you how he feels. Ask him, occassionally. Because if he feels free to tell you "I feel lonely" or "I feel scared" or whatever it is he is feeling, then he won't feel that nagging sensation, he will feel relief. Men (and women) go to someone outside the relationship to try and fill in something which is lacking in the communication of their current relationship.So my suggestion is that if you know you're ready, go for it. I'm not telling you to stop yourself if you know you're ready. But make sure, beforehand, that you have established a really clear line of communication. And I DON'T mean nagging (not that I'm suggesting you are a nag at all). You have to trust him to stay true to you, otherwise both of you will only harbor resentment. So when I say communicate, I don't mean asking where he's been all night, who he was with, trying to figure out whether he's been cheating on you. IF that comes up, try saying it this way, "When you didn't call me tonight, it made me feel... " and insert how you feel: scared, upset, afraid. Whatsoever it may be.Sorry for talking at you like a therapist or something! I've been doing a lot of thinking about these things, and I'm only about your age anyway, so who knows if I even know what I'm talking about. But that's the advice I got :)
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