A
female
age
41-50,
*endi01
writes:I don't know if anyone reads this stuff. But at least its somewhere to vent. Am I the only person in the world that wants to feel life sober? I know its hard, but its great too, why try to escape it? Together with my kids and his we have 4 and we just had a baby. We've only been together for a year. When we met I told him how I felt about weed. It's disgusting to me. Not just the smell and taste, the whole idea. He said he hadn't done it for 10 months and he didn't really care about it. I believed him. He said he didn't see anything wrong with it but didn't do it bc he has kids. One night he went and got some, about a month into seeing each other. He rolled it in front of me. I wanted to cry. It was hard to hold the tears back and he could see how it troubled me. That night he told me I was more important to him than smoking and he wanted me. I believed him again. A year passed and I kept getting small intuitions that he was smoking. He'd have mood swings, eat a lot of junk I mean entire boxes of cookies at a sitting, his eyes were glazed at times, and he was withdrawn from me. I guess because he was hiding it. I found out he was growing it outside. I'm pretty ignorant to all this so it made me blind. Long story short, he had sent a pic of his plant to his friend, I saw it. He told me the truth. He'd been doing it. I was so crushed. I mean just devastated and disappointed. I had thought that I was with someone who really loved me and wasn't some juvenile junkie. He said if he had told me I never would have given him a chance. That may be true. It still destroyed me. I have never been able to really trust anyone like I did trust him. And now I have doubts in him. Well he promised to stop. He supposedly dug it up and got rid of it all. Then a month later I find out he's manicuring some for a neighbor. I was so upset bc I didnt know if I could believe him. One night I got drunk, which is unlike me. I have no one to talk to about all this and I feel so awful inside. I feel like I lost the man I fell in love with and it was all an illusion. I made this life with him, and who the hell is he? Well I got so drunk. I waited for him to come home. I made him roll one and I sat there and did it with him. I don't know why. I think bc I wanted it to make sense to me so I could think of him as I did before. Also bc I feel selfish in a way for wanting to take away something he loves. After that night I told him when we didn't have our kids he could pick two nights a week to do it and I will drink. I am doing this for him. But I hate it. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it. I feel like I am not enough for him. He says it is to take away his nausea and for stressful situations. It makes me so sad and sick, i don't want to drink either. But I know I will be full of anger if he does it, and it doesn't bother me if I drink. I feel like a hypocrite. I just wish he would change his mind, say its a waste of time, he loves me and knows it is stupid. I wish he would want to quit forever. I don't know what to do. I tried really hard to understand it. I just want him to grow up and be a better man. Every time I look at him I see his acceptance of smoking pot. He works and is a good father. I should be happy with that. This is killing me inside. I just feel like giving up. I know I sound pathetic, I need somewhere to get these feelings out before I cave in.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): Hey,
First, I just want to say I'm sry for the situation you are in. I'm going through the same thing and I know it hurts like crazy. I've tried everything to get him to stop and to accept it, but the truth is... there is no cure for your feelings. He will always smoke and you will always have that feeling that it's wrong. Still, I think you have to stand up for what u believe in. Don't change for anyone and do what u would want your children to do if they ever found themselves in your position in the future. I can't tell u to just leave him bc i kno it's much more complicated than that. But whatever you do, don't change yourself
A
female
reader, sneha_1492  +, writes (7 November 2010):
Sweety I can kind of relate to your situation cos my ex lied to me regarding the same. It hurts like crazy I know it !!! But in y00our situation I don't think you should change yourself and become someone like him. If you also start drinking, what's the difference between you two ? What about your children ?? Even it's something you hate right now, there are chances of it becoming a habit later on. Don't change yourself for someone who doesn't give you a chance to be yourself sweety. Be strong and respect yourself.
And I don't think he even has the slightest idea that you're doing all this for him. Just be yourself and if he loves you truly he'll accept you for you are. Let him change as he's the rotten apple in the relationship sweety.
Good luck, I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Im a pretty sober guy. No booze and no drugs. Im fairly firm on that even if that means me throwing a beer bottle across a bar to prove to someone who thinks its a joke I dont drink.
You are in a very very abusive relationship and you feel so horrible because youre doing these things for him, and not for any benefit for yourself. Thats like me going to the gym and getting all beefed up for a woman when she doesnt even like my physique. Make these personal choices for who you are, not for who someone else is.
Im very sorry to hear about your situation as it is very devastating and the good news is: Your life is in your control. This man is only bringing you down and turning you into something youre not, thus he's not benefiting your personal well being in the slightest. Please dispose of garbage into proper receptacle. Good luck :)
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