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female
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*erene Katy
writes: My partner has a sneaky way of ogling women. I have tried lots of approaches to get him to a) admit it and b) stop it. When he is ogling I smile knowingly looking closely at him or obviously stare where he is staring, even though I'm cringing inside at him doing this. I might mention it later, to try let him know how it feels. But later is no good, as he simply will not recall the event. He turns the problem around and says it's me and my jealousy, I'm nuts etc., or he explodes and storms off when I try calmly discuss it. I now notice he doesn't compliment me, I certainly feel invisible at best or unattractive at worst when we are together. Also, 3 years ago, when we met, he went on about my body type being his ideal, tall and slim. But he ogles everything young to older, fat to slim, and oh, the breasts. He says he isn't and it's just me picking out the most attractive woman and imagining he is looking. I can promise you his 'cor' expression gives him away so I even know if there is someone behind me he's ogling. Help!!!! we are just back from holidays, very celebate holidays as I felt I was there beside him but it was all the other lovlies he would have been with had he the opportunity!! No way could I sleep with him after his ogling/denying trick. 2 years ago he was standing in front of my friend and ogling her large boobs. When my partner and I were alone in the car I mentioned what a fabulous figure she had. He denied noticing, I pressed on mentioning he must have loved her sexy top, and he exploded. He denied it and accused me of making the whole thing up. It was difficult to miss his lascivious stare as he was standing right in front of her and I was cringing beside him!! My friend mentioned to me, at a later date, in a jokey way, he had been looking at her boobs, (with his big hairy eyebrows down and his mouth sucking!!) she was uneasy in case I thought she was encouraging him, which I know she wasn't, it is just his roving eyes. My friend and I are very close, and I know it might seem funny, but I'm glad she told me as my partner's reaction was beginning to make me wonder if I was imagining it all. He thinks I'm mad, talks about "my little problem" or "poor Kate" and goes on about how I need counselling. I don't really care about the ogling, it's the denying it and accusing me of madness etc that really upsets me. I want a kindred spirit type relationship and this ongoing problem with no communication or resolve is a huge block.Another point is my self esteem, as it wasn't long ago I was used to being the younger attractive woman. My partner is 18 years older and has physical difficulties, but is a very successful man. I worry he is using strategies to get me down, doubt myself, reduce my self esteem, feel better about himself. Apart from this horrible problem, we have great discussions and laughter and I love him more than I've ever loved before.
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boobs, breasts, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 Katy, you probably have the most incisive assessment of your own situation. It has nothing to do with the testosterone. As you have tried to get across to us, it is all about the dishonesty and disrespect. Like you I don't see any justification for his behaviour, so I would have to disagree with the some of the apologist sentiments in Martini's second post. There simply is no excuse for that behaviour.
To drive home the point and to validate your instinct, your cad of a partner is no better than the person who is addicted to porn and hides it. He has a problem in facing his issues, and in a way he is looking for escape from them by musing about the grass on the other side of the fence. A healthy relationship is not a battle for who can make whom feel worse.
You already know the answer to your dilemma. Just keep listening to your instinct and find someone who is more comfortable in his own skin so that you can get back to being comfortable in yours. It's never too late!
Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (31 July 2006):
Serene Katy is verified as being by the original poster of the question OK, Martini thanks for your two very different posts giving an idea of the male psyche, some sides of anyways. As I've mentioned, the main problem is the dishonesty of not even entertaining the notion he has observed the person. In fact, according to him, he NEVER ogles and is so insulted at the mere suggestion of it that agressive diatribes ensue. If I mention, extremely mildly, the girl is attractive/pretty/wearing something lovely, it starts. He will say "who?" and cringe, cringe I will indicate the beauteous one. This simply means he now can ogle blatantly again, with my permission, while looking mystified. Of course he has never seen her, it's just I have noticed her, seen her as a threat (so the story goes) and I IMAGINE he is looking. It must be my ignorance and insecurity, not to mention lack of perspective that invites such insulting onslaughts accusing me of being nuts etc. Then there can be an explosion, but no communication. Certainly there is no comforting squeeze of the hand, and noticeably a lack of compliments in my direction. No matter how superficial ones assets, we all need compliments, particularly when your partner is feasting his eyes on other bodies. Perhaps he is the superficial one? And as a matter of fact despite enjoying a healthy sex drive, I do not feel the need to look at another man in that way if I'm in a serious relationship, I don't need to check the situations vacant column when I've no vacancy.This dishonesty is the real problem, I cannot reach him through it, perhaps I did not explain this sufficiently. Maybe I felt I needed to give examples of his behaviour to show it is really happening and not in my head.:/ Kate
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Anyway, my thoughts for Serene Katy - your man seems to have some superior/inferior complexity issues. He might not be doing it to try to make you feel down. He might actually be doing 'by accident' or possibly, he's not fully aware of the implications it may have.
Did you know that some men truly believe that if they compliment their own partners too much, their partners may take advantage of the relationship? Some men also believe that by looking at other women, it will make their partners jealous enough to the point that they will continue to make themselves look better. Some men with this sort of 'logic' doesn't always know that may only work with some women and not all women. What he should really have done is be a gentleman about it. At the very least, admit the he looks at other, but more as admiring an art-piece, rather than staring at some woman's breasts in front of you. He deserves a stomp on the foot, and possibly a smack on the back of his head for that.
If need be, and seems so, you really have to talk to him about this. Tell him that if he's trying to 'keep you young and beautiful', it's definitely not working emotionally and mentally. Tell him that what he really needs is some pre-adolescent teenager to play his little mind games.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): I actually feel a tiny bit insulted with the comments made by some people here. That's like saying all men who drive stick are drag racers. How ignorant is that?
Of course, this scenerio dictates 'respect' for their considerable other. If a man or a woman is with their partner, they will look at other men and other women. Unless that person is void of lust and desire - the two main natural points of ALL human beings. It's just that some men and some women take it more radically, and some take it more conservatively.
I for one, when I am with someone whom I adore, will still look. Fortunately, the women I go after aren't so insecure and ignorant. In fact, they actually catch me and more often than not ask, "So what do you think of her?" My answer would generally be, "She looks pretty good. Must work out a lot." Then I would subtly squeeze her hand as to tell her that my heart is with her.
To the Anon Female for first post, I'm a creative designer of sorts. I've managed entire teams of photographers, artists, illustrators and so on. One of my duties is to be in a room of gorgeous scantily clad females, to model for our projects. My job is to work with the photographers, direct them in what I need for my projects. Sometimes, I even go on one-on-one interviews with them. I might compliment them. I might not. I admit they are all very beautiful. My gosh, is it humanly possibly to be the way they are? However, when I get off work, go home, work on the reports owed to my partners and bosses, I would stop around midnight, give my gf a phone call, see how she's doing, and tell her about my day if she asks.
The fact remains, it's about perspective, and it's also about internal strength. Over the years, if you rely on superficial assets to make yourself feel good, then when you get into a relationship, even if it's nearly 'perfect', something so minor such as this can hinder anything to continue.
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A
female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (31 July 2006):
Serene Katy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I see that the general answer is what I believe myself. I don't think I can go on, and I am right now practically finished with him. However, he does have good points and can be reliable, loving and very kind overall in other ways. (I know, I know, what could he do to redeem this other nonsense). Today he just arrived up to do lots of chores for me while I worked as he is still on vacation, I hadn't answered his calls yesterday. We aren't living together but he has made a commitment as in we are/were engaged. But the holiday just proves I couldn't live with him. Hmm, this is just emotional fallout I'm probably a bit scared to completely end it after 3 years. But I can't go on looking over my shoulder, knowing he's leering and then he's denying what's right before my eyes. Oh and I forgot to mention in the original posting, I could crawl under the table if there's a pretty waitress waiting on us if we dine out. There are restaurants I can't go to, he has great tricks like not being able to read the chalk on the board so the waitress will stoop down to read it to him.... And we had one very flirty waitress that another female diner at our party commented on, but my partner said I had put this genuine lady up to saying something to him! I had just been sitting right there with no opportunity to sway her opinion without him hearing me, the lady just copped the attention being given to the waitress, didn't like it and commented herself.And Shania, I'm tanned and slim, got new clothes, makeup and hairdo for the holiday, in fact I was pleasantly surprised when I looked at myself when I got back home, as I had felt so boring looking on holiday. None of this makes me feel better as I don't feel I have exclusivity or value in the eyes of the one I love. That was a strange feeling to see how my perception of myself altered when I had spent a while in my own environment without seeing him. You know the way people say all men look etc., I wonder could I trust any man be able to keep his eyes to himself enough after this relationship, maybe I'd just expect a man to act like that now. But it really is helping me through this that people are offering their viewing points. A big thankyou.K
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 While there is nothing wrong in a man glancing or appreciating a woman's attractiveness,its down right rude and disrespectful if his tongue is trailing on the floor and practically leeching over her while you just stand there and watch with embarrassment.What i would of done is give him the taste of his own medicine and start staring at men yourself...and make it very obvious as well...but the trouble with that is,it will probably not stop him from ogling other women and your back to square 1.You have to ask yourself this...If a woman offered herself onto a plate for your partner's taking,do you think he would take the offer up?..if you think he would then i would question his behaviour very seriously because if your partner is making eye contact with these attractive ladies then it does tell me that he finds them sexually attractive and therefore you might as well be the invisible woman,to me that doesn't sound like this man loves you enough to stop?...He doesn't have a gun to his head telling him to do it yet he still enjoys the ogling.Remember,you have got to put up with this for the rest of your life,can you do this? Get your self esteem back,what ever it takes...whether its a new hair style,make over,change the way you dress,once you have got your self confidence back you can go out,with your head up and say to yourself.."Im just as attractive as the next girl and you will have the opposite sex making a bee line for you...and if your partner doesn't like that...well thats his problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): I can totally understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend is also an admirer of all things lovely only he never hides the fact he is doing it, he is very open and honest and will comment to me whenever he sees a good looking woman. It drives me crazy. I have told him in the past that I dont mind him looking and he can stare as much as he wants, and when with mates they can all discuss the merits of her but I wish he would respect me and not tell me how wonderful some other woman is looking. He said that he would rather tell me than me catching him doing it sneakily which after reading your post, I can see is also a problem. Im afraid im childish, when he does it to me, I will wait a while and comment on some guy. It does work as he gets quite niggly and funny with me. I just turn round and trot out the lines he uses on me ha ha.I know its frustrating but some people (men and women - I wont use the men are visual creatures line) just cant help themselves. Its something he has probably been doing for years so I doubt he will change. Either you accept it or you find someone that doesnt feel the need to always stare.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2006): Oh Lordy, who need a man like this?????People will defend him and feed you some rubbish about men being visual (unproven, just an excuse for the appauling behvaiour of some men)Rubbish rubbish, you know hat he wants....other women....Now the question is Do you still want him?
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