A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Partner's sister being unreasonable after my baby died...I lost a baby to stillbirth in february, and had a hard time but coped with all usual routine activities very well..ie..home still clean, older children fed etc. In april, my partner's brother's wife got pregnant and naturally I was a little sad for myself but only told partner's sister thinking I could trust her. The same day she comes to my house saying I'm depressed and wants to take me to a doctor...behind my back she got my partner to come home from work so she could take me...he did not know her plans and insisted i go with her..so i thought he also thought I was depressed and wanted me to go...like a mug, i went.The doctor said I was only grieving and not depressed and the greif would take a long time. So she took me home and thats when I found out my partner did not think I was depressed and that his sister tricked him. He rang her later and told her I was upsest and never to pull a stunt like that again. She then cries down the phone and says if I cant see that she was trying to help me then she will not bother with me. She refused to listen to my point of view and has not spoken to me since april. I have tried to hold out the olive branch but to no avail...I don't know what to do, If i have a go she will not listen anyway, what can I do, its awful for my parner as she puts him in the middle by refusing to sort this like an adult, and upsets him by excluding me from things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Wow, she is psycho!! She's using your dead child as a way to torture you b/c she does not like you? What a fruit cake. And how uncaring. She is the type of person who doesn't even deserve to have children and I feel sorry for the children she has. even if she hated you, she should be sorry for your loss, how could any woman not be? She should not be telling your husband that she doesn't like you and list off why. She has no regard for you and your husband, if I were you I would not be civil with her, I just would avoid her and when she starts in on her shit, I would just say "ok, psycho, whatever you say" Because she obviously has mental issues. She needs to get a life. Don't feel bad about her problems with you, I'm sure it has more to do with her than with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply it does make a lot of sense and I'm really sorry for your loss.
My parner had a word with her and it turns out she's doing all these things because she does not like me, she's put together a long list of reasons apparently, he says a lot of them are nonsense, she has insulted my way of life, my children and having a go about the baby I lost is, it would seem just a way she knew would upset me. I think to be honest she has issues which she is projecting onto me and has left any problems she has had to do with me to drag on for about 3 years too I've been told. My parner wants us to be friends but I have made the decision just to be civil as this is probably the best way.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 August 2007):
 I lost a baby at Christmas time (miscarriage) and my sister in law lost a baby to stillbirth a few years ago so you have my deepest sympathy. I can only tell you about my (and her) personal experience. With her, she went through the grief you have been experiencing and she did find it good to talk to other women who had gone through the same thing (I believe the national childbirth trust helped her find someone). Her brothers wife delivered a baby a few weeks after she lost her daughter and she became very bitter and resentful towards her to the point where 3 years on she refuses to see or speak to her brother, his wife or the child. I have tried to encourage her to make contact but different people react to traumatic events in different ways and I think the family feud has just been left to drag on. A friend of mine got pregnant around the same time as I had and she just had her baby - I didnt feel resentful towards her when I had the miscarriage because I tried to reason things out...my sister in law rang me though and said I shouldn't see anyone with a baby for months afterwards to help with healing. My point is that different people act in different ways to this kind of loss, and friends said they felt awkward around me afterwards 'not knowing what to say'. Having now been fortunate enough to get pregnant again I have experienced all the emotions of it and I know that sometimes you are just not thinking straight at this time. Your sister in law maybe not thinking straight either...only you will know how you feel about the loss of your baby and she can only guess. She maybe looking for a quick fix to what she sees as a problem that makes HER feel awkward around you...by labelling you depressed then it assumes there is a relatively easy answer in a bottle of pills. It maybe inappropriate for her to react this way towards you but the doctor is right - you are going through a bereavement which is a normal, natural process and it may take a long time to recover. Your partner should support you but not even he may know exactly how you feel about it. You cannot and shouldn't even waste your energy on this lady right now because she maybe anxious about her own pregnancy (I know I am after what happened to my sister in law and the previous miscarriage) and seeing you may fuel this. I shall confess that my sister in law doesnt know I am pregnant this time and I have been avoiding her since I got pregnant because she upset me at the time of the miscarriage by sending me bereavement cards and wanting to talk about it a lot whereas I just wanted to deal with it in my own way (i.e. not dwelling on it).
I am not saying your sister in law is right to behave in this way but you should focus on your own recovery and demand that your partner deals with her in his own way. I expect she will come around in time and I am certainly not advocating letting things fester like my sister in law did with her family but a bit of time and space may help you to come to terms with what has happened without unhelpful advice from relatives.
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