A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well.I wanted to ask some advice with something I'm having problems with.I have been in love with the man of my dreams for 5 years now. We both love each other and everything is wonderful, or so I make it seem. I have a problem with his past. It keeps haunting me. Everywhere I go I see the girls he dated or I happen to find myself looking at their page(Facebook,myspace) believe it or not it's by misfortune it happens. I would have a friend who just so happens to know his ex lovers. I don't let it effect everyday living but I have problems inside.I'm not sure why it hurts me so, I get sick and dizzy. I have to sit down and collect myself before going on with the day. I try very hard to think that is his past. I am his future. But it hurts... Why? I just want to plead for the pain to end. There is nothing I can do. I have done almost everything in my power to try to make it stop but it just won't. It's like in it own twisted way I hurt myself.Is there any advice you could offer me? Or any solutions to my problems?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all of you.
Today while we were out I realized how much I love him.
I don't want something of the past to ruin it.
The past is the past. Nothing can change it. I much rather build strong memories with him than create shaky ones.
Thank you all so much. Each one of you had listed off different out looks. I am sorry if I seemed a bit rude. I would just like to point out. I maybe young but I have an old soul. I stand up for what my feelings tell me too. I know I love him and he loves me. It's not just a "thing".
I have come to the conclusion to make things better and forget about them. I wrote everyone I cared about to have my new emails. Deleted facebook,myspace. I will no longer be able to "find myself" on their page any longer :P
I hope for the best on all of you.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 He is connected to your past. It sounds like both of you have been through a lot. These exes of his are a reminder of that past: of something you've escaped. It's understandable that it hurts to think about them because of this.
The pain is going to end when you finally get over this past. The fact that it's still hurting shows you haven't yet. Sorry to say that. I'm not saying you've not come a long way! Clearly you have! But you still have further to go.
In the mean time there is one very simple thing you can do: stop looking at their pages on facebook and myspace! STOP IT! You don't just 'find yourself looking at them' by accident: you let your fear control you, and it forces you to.
Be strong. Stay off facebook and myspace. Live in the present. Enjoy being with him. Let the past fade.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, I was not expecting for people to judge on my actions here. As most of you did. Let me explain a little more. Even if you read/heard this enough times. I will explain everything. Now please all I ask is you help my issue that I stated not the ones you might feel should. I feel that I have grown up a lot faster than some would realize. I said I have been "In love with" not dated. We dated in 7th grade. We broke up and went our separate ways. After 6 months I finally could move on. When I did I met my second boyfriend. It ended horribly. I had my "gift" taken and have taken care of my problems with that.After a year I started to attempt dating. While threw all of this the man I love was still there for me. He visited me while I was in the hospital. He went to my group meetings.Etc. Well I thought I found someone in my life, I planned to be with him regardless to what my mother said. When I told (C-the one who I loved for 5 years) my plans he tried to talk me out of it. For that I knew I couldn't tell him where I would go. I ran away to Vegas, when I was 15. I was there for a year. For two weeks of that year I lived in a house the rest I was on the streets. I went threw many nightmares and dreams. I finally grew the courage to call my mother. Everything went better I got help, fixed my wrongs. Then I tried to get a hold of C well no luck,he ran just as I have. I tried to look for him but it didn't work. I gave up and went on with my life, Shortly after I met someone else. I would never say I fell in love with him, But something told me to be with him. We were together for two years, Towards the ending I was with child. He was not ready so he left. I was not shocked.After all these things happen, I took a year to find myself with my daughter. It worked. I felt amazing. It was then that I looked back in my life and I felt as I have grown up. I took charge of my life, graduated with honors (still tending college) I have my own house. My own car. I took care of everything to make my daughter's and my life better. During this time I never stopped looking for him. I heard rumor of where he might be one day. I dropped my daughter off at her grandmothers and went to look for him. I found him. The moment he saw me and we locked eyes, we cried and held each other. He thought I was dead. After we talked for a couple of months we started dating. We have been together since everything in our relationship is amazing. Except my true problem.What I am getting at is. I could care less of time with wisdom. I grew up faster than I had too. Yes I made the choice with my daughter and it was the best I had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): With respect to the second Anon poster, her strong feelings of insecurity and jealousy have absolutely nothing to do with him being "the love of her life" and people just don't understand what it is like to meet he love of your life.What a crock of BS that is, take it from someone who is a couple of decades older and lived a life and been in relationships and had the love of my life.Love, healthy love does not breed this irrational, obsessional kind of behavior. Healthy love does not make a person "insecure". There is either a reason that you don't trust him and you have been manipulated into taking it on as "your problem" by a smooth con artist who is actually not worthy of your trust, or you are simply too immature and obsessive to be in a serious relationship.Either way, you are living a life of hell. Yes, by all means seek some therapy. You can start with making an appointment with your doctor being specific about your feelings and ask for a referral, or simply contact your local Mental Health Organization and ask for a referral. Good therapists to go to are Cognitive Behavioral, or Behavioral psychologists, they carry a PhD.Take care...and get some help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): If your age is correct here, 18-21, and you have dated this man for five years, from age 13-17, then how the heck do you know if he is the man of your dreams? You haven't lived life yet as a free agent, you don't know who YOU are.
With such a rickety paper thin self, or identity, it is no wonder that his past is a threat to you, because you don't have a life of your own to compare it too, not knowing what all these past lovers are about is causing you anxiety and you are acting out by stalking his exes on Facebook. I personally hate Facebook in many respects, just banish Facebook from you life for awhile. Discontinue your account and do not let yourself log in.
That said, I think the deeper issue is that you are not ready for such a serious relationship, and your self esteem and identity are to tied into having someone else like this one boyfriend for the last five years.
Relationships like the two of yours started at such a young age have a very very low chance of success long term, for those very reasons...you don't know who you are, and you both will grow and change drastically over the next five to ten years and will find you have nothing in common or may have choosen based on dependency needs more than actual love and caring and sharing and lack maturity in your choice.
You do what you want, but that is how I see it. I think you would be best to break up with him and move on...and be single for at least a year. I bet you will find your anxiety problem going away after that.
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