A
female
age
36-40,
*1sha
writes:Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I want to get married. He is egyptian muslim and i am white muslim. His mother is racist and hates british girls (muslim or not). He is very close to her as his father died at a young age and she brought all 4 children up by herself. She forbids him to marry me. She has even moved in with him since May this year to stop me visting as I previously spent all of my free time at his house. Apparently he has told her about me although I have only met his brother and not his sisters or mother. Apparently they argue about marriage all the time. For this entire year I have been angry with him for not fighting hard enough for us and I feel that he is stringing me along. He told me at the start of this year that we would be married in August and now it is August and he has recently told me he needs another year to work on his mother and gain her approval of me. It's ramadan tomorrow and for the third year he will not see me for a whole month. He visited me yesterday for the last time before ramadan and we had a big argument last night where I told him I was really upset about our relationshiip. He said that he was really upset that I have been treating him badly when we spend time together (which is probably true because I do feel resentful and angry with him for making my life so complicated and I am unable to act happy when I feel so sad). He says I don't hold his hand or hug him enough and in company I am ignorant of him (which may all be true sadly). When we met I was so bubbly and chatty and now I'm a completely different person and this really hurts me. Last night I told him that this relationship has changed my personality to make me a much more stressed and depressed person generally. I told him that he had hurt me by breaking the promise of getting married in August and that I didn't think I could feel this upset for another year just so that he could re-assess and break up with me then. I told him that he had hurt me by telling me to get lost now that his mother lived in his house (which he replied by saying that there is no point of me visiting if she won't let me in the door!). I told him that I felt that he was telling me what I wanted to hear when we had these conversations but not making any actual progress. He responded to all of this by apologising alot and telling me that we have to make a definitive decision by the end of Sept. I asked him what was special about Sept but he just said he needed a few extra weeks - he said that either his mum will come round and we'll get married or she'll stay angry and we'll break up. I think her hatred of british girls runs deep and won't change unless we get married and force it and he won't marry me until she approves --- it's a catch 22 and I am helpless because I love him and don't want to leave. I told him that all I want is to marry him and have a family and that I don't think this is too much to ask. I got very emotional and cried myself to sleep last night and cried again this morning which is also very unlike me.. I rarely cry but I just feel like it has all gotten on top of me and come out today all at once. He apologised a lot and today has sent me several messages saying that he is upset that he has hurt me. What can I do now? Just sit and wait I guess?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel completely deflated and exhausted by this relationship and I just don't know what is the best thing to do next. many thanks
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Hi,
Its so sad that race should even be a matter to consider in this time and age? But, yet its so common.. I am asian, and completly understand what you are going through... How you feel.. For some society, they accept it so well, yet some its almost a crime?
I know a very traditional jewish family that had his 1st son married to this jewish woman from the same temple. It was never love, but the family demanded, the selfish family didn't care, all they care is that she had to be jewish. At the end, they divorced, had a girl.. The poor baby girl is almost 9 years old, miserable, mother re-married, the mom gives only attention to the new husband. They son 40+ years old, live in the home w/parents, unemployee, sad to say, alone, jobless, and honestly complete looser. I don't understand what's the point? Why the family destroyed his sons life? All because they are and want only jewish woman?
I know you love this man, but reality is that this is a very serious, almost impossible case. If your boyfriends mother doesn't accept you now, more likely she won't accept you in the future. In case you do get married with him, it will never be happy life, because he will always be torn between his mother and the woman he loves...
My grandmother was very possessive of my oldest uncle. When he got married, my grandma hated his new wife, for no reason at all.. I guess it was jealousy, who knows, he end up moving to another country with his wife. After 30 years, they still married, but they are not happy, I guess he feels guilty and somehow blame the poor wife for loosing his family..
In my experience, its sad for everybody, no winners, no loosers, no one is bad or good, everybody are right and wrong.. Its just so unfair for everybody... So sad that people actually have to deal with this nonsense subject... At the end of the day, you live life once, life is too short, nothing we do here matters. What should matter is finding true love, someone that will respect you, care about you, cherish you until the day you die! That should be good enough, and we should feel lucky enough to find that ONE TRUE LOVE!
I feel sorry for his mom, people that feel, think that way... The world is a sad place and we have so many problems because of hypocrite people like that.. But, I guess nothing we can do, just the way they were raised, taught and broad up?
Well, think troroughly, seriously about your relationship. Its a bumpy road, and will only get worst for now on. Are you ready? Are you strong enough? I hope you find the right answers, and make the the right decision.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Your bf's mother's hatred for british ppl seems very deep and isn't likely to change. It's sad that people let race interfere with love. You need to find someone else to be with, unless you can handle being told over and over again that he'll get her permission soon, and you can't. She isn't going to budge, and your bf cares too much to hurt her in any way. He needs to put your needs first. He's an adult, he can do whatever he wants, he shouldn't let his mother influence his decisions that can well be made on his own. You've been stringed along for a very long time and things aren't going to change. She will always make your race an issue and he will never stand up to his mom. So move on and find someone who doesn't let their mother influence decisions like this. You'll get over him eventually so start moving on because you will never be fully happy with him.
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