A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Why my boyfriend is not interested in itimacy?I have been dating a guy I met for a couple of months. He was in a long marriage and his wife left him. I would say this guy has some feminine characteristics even in his walk. His house has no clutter anywhere, it is very clean, and he collects beautiful items (items women would more likely collect) which are displayed throughout his house. Cabinets are very orderly. Car is immaculate. He is an excellent cook, cleans up as he cooks, has cool kitchen items. He is very nice, understanding, easy to talk to, I believe honest, communication is excellent. We can talk about anything.Noticed when we kiss, he is not very interested in french kissing. I had to make the first move to hold hands and kiss. He has never tried anything. We have slept in the same bed clothed four times and he never made a move. Also noticed when we held and kissed in bed before falling asleep and after waking up, he never seemed to get aroused one bit. He has always said I was an attractive lady. I am not overweight at all.I really believe this person has never been with a man. I would say he would not go that way, but probably has been fighting it all of his life. I also do not think he is involved with anyone else. He works a lot, we talk all the time, and see each other on the weekend. In the group he hangs with, he is pretty close with the men's wives.I plan to ask him some specific questions about his lack of interest in intimacy and not getting aroused when I think any man would. We have so much in common and get along great. I really like him and he says he likes me a lot and he cannot get me out of his head. He says he is turned on when we talk on the phone and email. Not sure right now about asking if he may be gay. I will be so so disappointed, but have sensed he might pretty early on.Please let me know your thoughts. Probably obvious. Thanks.
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male
reader, gaymarriedlesbian +, writes (28 April 2010):
I know this is a year later, but I'd like to hear how things went with your talk with him. Did it go as planned? What happened, if you see this and don't mind sharing....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your replys. To answer some questions, my guy's wife left him for another man. She left him 14 months ago. He did date someone before me for six months, but only seen her about twice a month because of distance. He said they drifted apart and stopped seeing one another. He also said they did have intimacy
Sugarbuns, I totally agree that he may not be physically attracted to me and I did mention that to him, but he said that is not the case.
2old4this, we do have great communication. I also do not have a problem with asking questions. I did mention that I could not believe he did not get a little aroused laying in bed with me. He said he did not understand it either. That is when I said, it must be that you are not attracted to me.
Anonymous, we both have said many times how much we like one another, have so much in common, have the same interests, get along great, have fun, and can talk, talk, talk. We even said the other night, it would be such a shame if we were not physically attracted to one another. I did mention early on in the relationship, that my next serious relationship has to have a good physical relationship because my previous marriage did not and it is very important if you want a relatioship to last. Maybe that scares him. Also, I have talked about previous gays I knew, etc., etc. and he doesn't say much about that.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 You didn't say how long it's been since his marriage broke up. He may just be "gun shy". It's also possible, that while you are an attractive woman, he may not be attracted to you. Maybe he's just not sure about his feelings for you just yet; it's hard to give yourself to someone when you feel you have nothing left to give. His sex drive may be flailing because he's depressed and feels like a failure because his wife left him. Just give him more time but don't make him feel like he's under a microscope. Enjoy what you have with him for now. It may grow into more. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (25 March 2009):
 This is tough. He could have some deep down problems. He could be fighting his homosexuality. Has he ever told you why his wife left? Maybe get him discussing that first and you could get some clues. I personally don't think I could ever be in bed with a woman I cared about and not get aroused when we touched. But, consider he could be going through some strong emotional problems that may be affecting him that way. I say talk to him. Communication is always the key.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Having a serious break up with a long-term partner can affect people in different ways, to some it can take a long time to recover and the experience may have put him off for a while, just because he has some female mannarisms doesnt mean he is gay, just give him time, and if it doesnt get any better just start with innocent questions or storys about other people you know and gauge his reaction, if you let him know you will accept him anyway he might feel it time to come out, or if he isnt he should give off some easy signals, if he still puts up a fight try having a few drinks with him and start a casual evening (without any sexual gestures), let him know you care for him as a friend even if he is that way inclined. Just as importantly, make sure you have somebody to talk to yourself and try not to take anything too personally depending on his reactions, he probably feels guilty about making you feel this way. Just remeber to be senstive about it and try not to feel down because of anything that happens.
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