A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years. I have never cheated on him or lied or done anything that would cause him to not trust me, but for some reason he still doesn't. He is insanely jealous of my friends (he hates my best friend who happens to be a gay guy), and he absolutely does not trust me at all. He admits that he can't trust me, and he says that it makes him feel horrible that he can't. I've mentioned before that I think that is ridiculous to say, because if he's so broken up about it, why doesn't he just try to trust me a little, but he continually says that for reasons unknown to him, he simply cannot put his trust in me. What am I supposed to do about this? I love him, I want to marry him, but I don't think I can live with someone who doesn't trust me.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (6 November 2007):
 I suspect that his jealousy has more to do with fear. The fear that somehow he believes you are way out of his league to begin with, and you'll eventually figure this out and find someone who is better suited for you. I also suspect that you possess certain social skills that make it easy for you to mix it up with a variety of people without judgement, bias or hang-ups. He may not be able to compete with this in his own personality and it makes him feel inadequate, so it translates back to his original fear of abandonment; that you could be comfortable with just about anyone -- so why are you with him when you could probably have anyone you wanted? These are the unknown questions running through his mind that he hasn't shared with you. And it's going to take alot of patience, and re-assurance on your part to help him overcome this problem. You may even have to re-examine your own social behaviors to see if you could tone down things a bit so he doesn't feel like he's "second fiddle" to the other people you have in your life. He may also feel like you're too available to other people which makes him feel like he's always the "second fiddle". And your best friend may be gay, but it might be better if you're best friend was a female, complete with all the corresponding body parts. Also, try to remind him frequently of the qualities he has that drew you to him in the first place and the things you see in him that maybe he doesn't even see himself. Perhaps if you can help him continue to see his own worth, he will eventually feel more confident and less threatened by others. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2007): I think your bf needs to realize that his behaviours will only serve to drive you further away from you over time. He is not unusual as many, many people experience fears, insecurity and jealousies. It's a sign of deep lack of self-confidence and it's unhealthy. He is experiencing so much distress from this unhealthy mindset and his anxiety is spilling over onto the very people around him, those like you who love him. Feeling that way is very painful and debilitating and ultimately destructive, and it stems from lack of self worth, of not feeling good enough. He needs to learn that being independent and building trust in you is crucial to his relationship with you. If he trusts and you have not given him a reason to NOT trust you (ie: cheating) then your partner should feel secure about the relationship. In a healthy, honest, trusting relationship it shouldn't bother him when you see your friends, or even when someone pays attention to you. It could feel disrespectful if someone comes on to you but it wouldn't be a big issue for him because he would have faith and trust in you, to handle it well.
But because he feels insecure about you and your relationship with him, it may feel threatening to him when you go out with this gay friend. There could be many reasons why he feels insecure and clingy, One reason could stem from hurtful experiences in childhood and past relationships. Has he ever talked to you about those feelings?
Relationships require so much time, patience and understanding and are hard to keep on solid ground at the best of times. You could suggest he talk to a counselor..to get tips on self-esteem building and getting help for these unhealthy feelings. Or you could decide, that his jealousies could lead into controlling, abusive behaviors in your future and just bail on this relationship. I would watch for that, hun--jealousies and an unwarranted lack of trust on his part is really a big red flag in my books. It could mean..he is capable of something that could end up hurting you. Make him aware of how you are feeling. And then decide to take the best step that keeps YOU safe and happy. Good luck and I wish you both well.
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