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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,i would like some advice on what to do.I posted regarding a prob with my husband ex girlfriend .Ive been with my husband years now and we have kids.He has a child to his ex that he has seen rarely !He was never married and with his ex girlfriend less than one year she ended the relationship and went of with a married man.His ex uses his child as a weapon .my hubby pays money every month and always has though has no contact with his child - she wont let him .She phones up being abusive asking for more money all the time!He has seen his child 3 times in the whole 10 years ive been with him.Anyway i have got sick and tired of her abuse so the last time it happened i phoned her to tell her to basically "Get a life".She has remarried yet tells her husband it's my hubby that phones her !We have been out for meals and she has phoned etc never about his child usually to have a go at my hubby.We did go to court once to try for access but the cost was high and to be quite honest she made it so hard and it got to the point where we could not afford the court costs. Anyway she was phoning my hubby up recently wanting £1000 of him bearing in mind he gives her £300 per month!I phoned her up and told her to stop harrasing us all the time using the child as an excuse and to get off her lasy Arse and get a job!Her husband works .Me and my hubby have argued time and time again as i feel there is 3 people in our marriage !My husband was hiding from me the fact she was phoning him all the time - which is wrong !I told him not to do this.I have said either go for access of his child or to get his ex told to stop with the blackmail and i think im being fair???For a couple of months its been quiet ............., she's started again!Anyway ive had enough .I have now since found phonecalls on my hubbys phone from his ex girlfriends phone and he is phoning back! Yes this could be all innocent but the FACT is she will NEVER let him see his child and he's only a father when it comes to wanting money.Ive basically had a huge row a few month back about it all and said to my hubby either go for access or stop the calls !Now im finding Secret calls.The phone is his ex girlfriends as i phoned it.No matter which way i look at it his ex will not grant access and to me is trying to cause problems - i cant take anymore and im annoyed at my husband for not telling her straight ! I feel i cant carry on with him hiding calls all the time we have been through this time and time again.I feel sorry for his child in all this but what is annoying me now is my husband he should wake up and smell the coffee - so to speak !Advice please.......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006):
Firstly, he has a child "with" her, not a child "to" her. That kid should be just as important to him as any other child he has. Dont make him feel bad because of the kid.
Secondly, it was a mistake to let the legal case just drop. You should have spent the extra 5-10 hours of attorney time to at least make it look like you negoiated a solution. That was a show of weakness and empowered her.
When you are dealing with someone irrational you need to make your framework in deal with them as rational as possible and make sure nothing is rewarding their bad behavior. I think you should make it clear to her that from now on all her dealing with you have to be through your attorney. Yeah it will cost you money but basically now the whole thing is an irritation anyway. Once she sees that she is not getting any jollies out of trying to jerk around your lawyer she will become stop this nonsense.
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