A
female
age
41-50,
*47Devyn
writes:I have been needing some outside advice about this situation for some time. This is a bit long, so thank you for bearing with me. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and we have a 6 month old daughter together. The main problem is my husband's ex-girlfriend. When we first got together 5 years ago, she lived in the other side of the duplex my husband owned, and they were good friends. I thought this was OK cause I am good friends with my ex, and we have helped eachother; I am also good friends with my ex's new wife. My husband's ex is still single. My husband helped her with addiction when they were together. However, she still cannot get it together. She was a shopaholic, and could hardly ever pay her rent when I lived there. She always was getting into some sort of trouble, and needing bailing out, sometimes literally. A few months before our baby was born, my husband bought a house. He is extremely frugal with money, and has owned successful rental property before, so I thought he would do this with the duplex-one side paying mortgage, the other side income. (I was glad to get away from his ex, as she was being very rude to me, even calling me,"Tom's' little piece of p**sy". When I told him, he said she was just "venting". I have tried very hard to get along with her, even driving 3 hours to bail her out of jail in another city, then spending all day trying to get her car back.) I asked what he would do with the duplex, and found out he was already selling it to her. He knew she didn't pay her rent to him, even when she was making $100K a year! She has trouble keeping a job, as she always ticks someone off, and hates women. She also owes him over $40K for loans over the years. I asked him the logic in this, and he said it would cost too much to fix the place up to sell to a different person, or rent both sides out. She trashed her side, as her living conditions are filthy; the place was full of German roaches due to her. Now, it has been almost a year, and she has only paid $250 at most every month, if she pays at all. Tom is still responsible for the $1000 a month mortgage on the place. The cable TV is still in Tom's name, and he says the cable co will not transfer it to her name. I suspect he's paying that bill, too. He says he can't afford cable for us. With our baby and me, he is extremely frugal; I got yelled at for buying food to cook, shampoo, and deodorant. He says he is too worried about money to buy the baby a crib. He hates buying formula, and calls the baby fat, and "Thunder Thighs". He also makes me record how much she eats. He just told me that we must live off what his parents will give him, as he doesn't have enough from his job for us to live on. He keeps the house so hot that I am sick, because the bill. I do have a window A/C , so the baby and I do have one room to live in. I get in trouble for not cooking and cleaning, but it is too hot. He also has much higher expectations for me in every way than he had for his ex. She is very inconsiderate to him, and just left his stuff from the duplex on the porch if he can't pick it up; she even did that with computers, and anything could have been stolen. It seems she can do no wrong, and she has never been good to him. She gave his home phone # to this guy my husband despises, and he didn't care. I'd have never heard the end of it if I did it. He sees mainly the mistakes I make; she does the tiniest thing good, and it is huge to him. I can't understand how someone so very frugal can waste money like this. He says he has no choice but to subsidize her like this. I'm sad, confused, and wondering if I should just go. My name is not on the title to the new house, even though he said it would be. When I asked I am at the signing, he just said in front of everybody that I'd better not divorce him. I don't want the house, I just want respect and love. It just may not be forthcoming. Devyn
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divorce, ex girlfriend, his ex, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (16 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the question Anonymous 09July,
I think you hit something when you said he loves her, but can't live with her. That resonates with me for some reason. He is very neat, groomed, frugal, the opposite of her in just about every way. Why he hangs onto her, I am not sure.
He helped her with alcohol and drug addictions, could that be why? Well, even if it is, my daughter and I cannot be a lower priority than this woman for the rest of our lives. I will not do that to my girl.
I do feel we are a burden to him; if he wants her, fine, just do not fight me for the baby. That crazy, destructive woman is not allowed around my daughter.
A
female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (16 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, guys. I am glad to know I am not oversensitive, and that this is an untenable situation. I am packing...
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (13 July 2012):
omg get yourself and the baby out asap!!! I know you are married but if nothing else you need to make a stand, prove to him that you can and will leave him if he doesnt get his s**t together. that is ridiculous. calling the baby names is just wrong. babies are supposed to have weight! and your baby probably is just fine anyway. he has problems.... you shouldnt suffer any more for it. even if it is just temporary, move out. good luck x
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A
female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (9 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you guys are right; this is killing me slowly. I believe, however, he will fight me for my daughter. I cannot live without her. I have no job.
I know he hasn't the wherewithal to take care of her on his own, and I do NOT want that ex anywhere near my girl. This ex is also a bit crazy and destructive. Her addictions also involved substances.
I feel my life is exploding. How have I failed him when I have tried to be what he wants?
I have suspected him of not being over this female. Why didn't he just leave me be? Well, I do have my daughter because him; I just want to keep her.
Devyn
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): This is just going to get gradually worse you have to put your baby first and head home. He is obviously still holding onto some flame for this woman and she can do no wrong. Leave and go back to your family while you still have some self esteem and dignity left. You need to put your baby first and go somewhere you will both be loved and cared for.
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (9 July 2012):
 What he is telling you, makes no sense at all. So what if the new owners kick her out, why has he made that his concern? She is not his responsibility, you and his daughter are. He's chosen to emotionally and financially support his ex girlfriend, rather then his wife and daughter. He is treating you as if you are an inconvenience to him.
Sweetie, take your daughter and go back home to your parents. This man hasn't got one clue of what it means to be a husband and father.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2012):
 GO HOME!
Babies don't eat when they aren't hungry
she's moved stuff to the side of the house she has no claim to?
he says he can't sell as she will be kicked out? why is this his problem.
He's too entwined with her and he's not rational about babies...
HONEY IF YOU CAN GO HOME DO IT.
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A
female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (9 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says he can't kick her out, and if he sold the place as is, the new owner would kick her out first thing due to her filthy living conditions.
We lived with his parents for a bit to help take care of them, but when that was done, he said we couldn't go back because she had moved some of her stuff to his side of the duplex. She is a hoarder.
Is there a such thing as financial cheating? I am starting to feel emotionally cheated on. Am I being too sensitive? What do you think his response would be if I were the one doing this with my ex?
Devyn
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A
female
reader, 747Devyn +, writes (9 July 2012):
747Devyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has not yet tried to limit the baby's intake, per se, but he does get mad when she doesn't drink all her formula.
I've had to live off my own personal credit card, as he will not let me work due to childcare.
I can go back home, and have been seriously considered doing so. I do not feel loved here anymore.
Why on earth did he get with me if he still wants her? I've asked him many times if he wants her; he says no, but I am starting not to believe him. This hurts so much. I have been so good to him, why does he want her when she treats him like crap?
Devyn
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (9 July 2012):
He is forcing his wife and daughter to suffer, so he can pay his ex girlfriend's bills?
If he claims he HAS to subsidize his ex girlfriend, then he is either still in love with her, or she is holding something over his head. The fact that he would not even put you on the deed to the house, shows he has nothing invested in your relationship.
There is obviously something very wrong with your husband, and you need to take you and your daughter out of this situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2012): Dear Devyn,
Your situation is particularly sensitive due to the baby. The guy doesn't sound like a good guy to be honest. Maybe he still loves his ex, but just can't live with her? Considering the fact that you have a young baby, committing such an irresponsible financial step is quite odd and not very reassuring to a young mom, I can imagine. And also, you said he hates women? Maybe he has got this ideal of his ex so much stuck in his head, that no one can ever come close? It actually seems like you and the baby are not a priority, but rather a burden to him. How could he 'not have the choice but to subsidize her'? If this is due to reasons of philantropy or everlasting love for her, fine, but there is not reason he has to drag his family and baby into this. Consider your options, this doesn't sound too good.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2012):
Babies should not have their intake limited.
IF he is trying to limit what you feed the baby he's being abusive.
I personally think he's still very hung up on her...
would you possibly consider leaving him? do you have family or friends you can go to?
I would strongly consider getting out now... while the baby is very young and you can build a life without this abusive man.
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