A
female
age
41-50,
*mperfect
writes:Dear agony aunts out there,I would be grateful for some words of wisdom. Here is the story:I met this lovely Canadian boy while we were both at uni in the UK. We fell in love and dated but after a year he returned to Canada to undertake another degree. Two years into that degree, he changed to yet another degree that would take five years to complete. I was hoping to move to Canada and got some funding to go, however, I was struggling with the technicalities of visas etc and basically wanted to have more commitment from him (I thought practical things as well as my emotional state would be better with a wedding ring!). It was all very messy and his ‘best offer’ was that we could finally be together after his five year degree had finished. At the time, I felt that wasn’t good enough – but I probably did not communicate properly that it was because it hurt so much to be without him rather than because I didn’t love him. I was literally cutting off my nose to spite my face. Anyway, we split up over the phone and I started seeing someone else. Thing is, it felt like I was having an affair rather than a new boyfriend and I asked my ex back three month later and told him how sorry I was and how immature I had been – that I was just scared of moving that far away from my friends and family but that really what mattered to me was him. He said he had moved on and I shouldn’t contact him again – he started going out with an old friend of his when we split up. I sent another letter three months later explaining again how I would like to travel back in time and be more mature then and how I was ready to move and give it another chance and asked whether we could meet up (yes, I was just going to travel to Canada just for a cup of tea) but he hasn’t replied. I am completely guilt ridden, I feel I was very weak and faltered and I am kicking myself for letting him go. I feel I wanted too much but instead lost everything. We used to be very happy but I haven’t been happy since then. Anyone out there got words of wisdom for me?
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affair, fell in love, immature, my ex, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 He hasnt replied since October so that is a definate "no." Yeah, he isnt worth trying to be friends with! Time to move on and find someone worth your time!
A
female
reader, Imperfect +, writes (17 December 2007):
Imperfect is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers! I really appreciate it. it is hard to let go, because I still love him - I am ok during the day, but at night I still dream of him and that stops me from moving on.
No, he hasn't replied to the offer for tea since October!
Thanks again, your help is great, makes me feel less sad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Thank you for the advice - he didn't reply to the offer for a cup of tea across the miles and that was in October (I haven't contacted him then - didn't want to 'stalk' him)... And, I should also add that I finished the other relationship I had started.
I have learnt my lessons but I haven't managed to let go completely of the idea that I could apply them to improve the relationship I had - rationally, I know this is not likely, but it is hard to let go of the idea that I could have a second chance - after all, even criminals get them, don't they? And my main offence was to be scared and headless...
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (17 December 2007):
 I think you did the smart thing by thinking ahead. Leaving your family and friends, moving to another country where you have knowone but a man who can only give you a promise for 5 years down the line. I am sorry that you did not get the response that you wanted but just be happy that he was honest. Suppose you had moved away with hopes he would give a serious commitment and he didn't you would have returned home broken hearted anyhow. At least you have saved yourself the trip.
The best thing for you to do is move on with your life. Do not contact him anymore and consider it a lesson learned. Why do you feel like you should settel for whatever he is offering opposed to what you really wanted from the relationship? I think if he wanted to save your relationship he could have compromised with you and find a common ground for both of you to be happy. You were the one making all the sacrifices and that was not fair. I hope that things work out for you. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (17 December 2007):
You are right, asking for a wedding ring was a bit much at the time. I also understand that you would be moving to another country where you would have no one but him which makes things very difficult. On the other hand, he also went to another extreme, putting you on hold for 5 years is also a bit much!
Since he is dating someone and you are as well, you will have to decide what you think is best. If it were me, I would move on. He told you to not contact him anymore so that should be a sure sign to go about your way. Since you wrote him again trying to be friends, I thinks its best to be friends and thats it. Dont put yourself through any more misery and keep your hopes up on something that may never work. Please let me know what he says about the cup of tea. That should definately tell you if its worth it or not to even try to be friends.
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