A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know that question of porn was discussed many times, but I would like to get some opinions on my particular situation.I'm in a long-term relationship with a wonderful guy. We have our little ups and downs, like in any other relationship, in general it is fine. And here comes the porn. Some time ago I found on his computer in history that he was visiting porn web-sites and openly asked him about it. He said he watched it when I was traveling. He said he was there just once, but he didn't know that I saw that it was much more than once. I wasn't coming down on him, nor I made a big issue on it, I just wanted to know why is he watching it as he reported at that time that he is not so interested in sex. He was a little bit upset that I'm asking him this and I wanted to be gentle with his feelings - no problem, just explain to me.Soon after, again I saw that he is watching naked woman pictures on internet. Again I asked him about it and he was becoming furious feeling that I'm spying on him, though it wasn't the case - we are living together and one has to be blind or stupid not to see things (these pictures came up while I was entering the address of a website in address bar as the address that I was typing was similar to address with naked woman's pictures). To not make this long, there were few instances when I would find or see something and openly told him about it and he was becoming more and more angry, feeling that I'm sneaking on him. I was left with a fear to talk openly about it and with increasing desire to really sneak on it - what is in there which produces so intense reactions? But anyway I don't feel like I have to do it, as if I would find out something new, the reality is clear - he likes to see porn, more than he is ready to admit, and he lies about it. I feel if I would insist on talking more about it it, he would only go more underground with it.So, my problem with this is that he is not any more sexual with me as before. I can't be 100% sure, but it might be that it would be different if he wouldn't watch porn. When anything one can imagine is just a click away and on the other side one has a real life where he has to deal with a real person, his real problems (he had some sexual dysfunction, stress problems etc), it is much easier to click than to live a real life.I gave time to it, stopped asking about it though from time to time I still see that he is watching it, but time is passing and nothing is happening. We haven't had sex 3 months now and now don't even kiss passionately since 2 months.He also agrees that our sexual life is not working well, but for him the rest is great. For me - I really miss having more body contact, I'm used to have it a lot with people that I'm close to. I don't want to be pushy, I know I can't make somebody like it more than he likes it, and also I wouldn't like him doing it if he doesn't like it. But I really miss it and feel there are areas where he can improve, that are under his control, but he is not trying (like this with porn). I'm torn between being understanding and supportive to him and having my needs fulfilled.Opinions, advices? Thanks
View related questions:
porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ClassyWoman +, writes (16 August 2011):
Hi I just felt like I was reading my own story. We seem to be in exactly the same place. My partner of 2.5 years does exactly the same. Surfs the net and watches porn.He gets cross and accuses me of being a spy too.Our sex life is non existent. Nothing for 3 months.....I also miss the loving and contact and it is driving me crazy.Sorry I can't offer you any advice but just thought you should know you are not alone.I hope someone out there has some helpful advice.Someone once told me if your partner is watching porn on the net and he says that is OK then it should be OK for you to invite the porn stars over and have a show in your lounge room for you. Really what would the difference be?? I hate porn and what it does to relationships. I tried explaining to my partner how it makes me feel that he has to watch others "doing it" and he says he is just a male...I just feel like I am being denied a sexual relationship because he is jerking off in front of the computer.Good luck.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (8 August 2011):
 Focus on the lack of sexual activiity and intimacy in your relationship rather than the porn. The porn may or may not be a cause, it may just be a player in this scene.
If you miss the old sexual life you had with your bf tell him THAT. Do not bring up the porn. That just makes him defensive and shut down...completely defeating.
It is ok to say that you want to be close with him, have sex with him, kiss, him etc. Tell him what that meant to you and you would like to work your way back to that...ask him if it is possible.
If he thinks it is..ask him what he thinks needs to change to make it possible. Then decide if that is reasonable and work towards each other.
...............................
|
