| A
female
,
*ikki866
writes: I've been seeing Joe for 9 months. He came out of 2 bad marriages; 2nd wife made things difficult for us as she kept calling begging to get back with him. So far he hasn't gone back. I think he loves and cares for me, and I adore him. We are good together; compatible, etc.. and communicate and love very well. He moved into my home with me and my 2 children in Nov 06. 2 weeks later, he got cold feet and moved out. By Christmas, he said he worked through his issues that were hindering him from feeling comfortable and asked to come back in. He spent Christmas with me (not the ex-wife) and in early Jan asked if he could move back in because we spent every night together anyhow. I agreed. He moved back in and now it's Mar 2nd and he is telling me he has come to the conclusion he needs his own condo (which sits empty ready to go on the real estate market right now), as a "back up" in case I get bitchy, etc. In otherwords, he needs a cave to retreat to when he feels the need; something HE owns to call his own. I didn't like it but said i understood. Now he doesn't know if/when he's leaving (again) but this morning he said something else. He said he has always been regulated in life by his own kids (now grown) and this is the time in his life he wants to be able to do what he wants, when he wants...and why would he want to have to wait 10 more years to begin traveling and doing what we want ~ essentially he's saying I'm trapped because of my children (like this is new news to him???) and he knows it will be 10 years before my 10 and 6 yr olds are grown and we can "fly" and live the lives that we want together. On the other hand, he noticed I colored my hair and said "you are getting ready for other men aren't you" (no!) and he makes comments that he loves EVERYTHING ABOUT ME and ADORES me and doesn't want to lose me. But. He says he doesn't know what it is but he doesnt know what to do, what he wants. that if he leaves he knows he will lose me, but if he stays he's sacrificing things for himself...and he told me last night "I'm going to have to make the ultimate commitment to you, or not make it...." and I said well, we have come a long way in a short 9 months together, been through a LOT with ex-wife, very intense and close relationship. Probably more involved than some people have in 3-4 years. We are very tight and good together, but this "free bird" mentality of his gets in the way. I told him to go and do what he wants, to travel and figure it out. I am frustrated because we dealt with this stuff back last November and he came back on his own telling me he thought it out and didn't want to be without me... would wait for me until we could travel together. that he has roots here in FL and loves me and cannot imagine a life without me in it. So great. Thought this threat was gone. But it's reared its ugly head again, and I need some advice as to what to tell him. I want to be a supportive partner to him, but i don't want to lose him either. Fact is, I AM regulated by the kids right now. I have them only half the week, and I am able to do short 1-week trips whereever Joe wants to go, but honestly, it doesn't seem to sit well with him that I'm not completely "free" for his goals at this time. He works 70-80 hrs a week at a car dealership anyhow as a finance guy and is so burnt out on that. I dont' know what he wants anymore and could use some helpful advice as to some insight of this man and how to deal with him. We love each other and are best friends, and Joe seems very torn up inside about his own issues. He admits it's all him, nothing has to do with me or us, but I can only do what I can do right now. I am a mom first. He likes my kids a lot. He says they're good kids but "who knows what problems will creep up when they're teenagers".... I mean Joe even said "what if in 2-3 yrs I get cancer or something and I develop a close relationship with them and something happens to me?" I said you're kidding, right? So you're going to keep people at arms length and not fully love anyone because you "might" get diagnosed with a terminal illness "someday?" I got news for you Joe... we are ALL going to die someday. But we live for today, FULLY. We hope for the best and we love the best we can. Then I told him, if this is how it's going to be with us, I cannot rely on you or depend on you to be HAPPY in this element with me, comfortable and satisfied with your life with me, then please go. please go now and figure it out. But he doesn't leave. He says "you'll find someone else and i'll say to myself, i screwed up again....." I don't want a different man but i'm at a loss here. Joe doesn't want to lose me, but he isn't fully invested here either. what gives?One other thing he said. He asked me what kind of a future do we have; what are we really doing? I said we talked about selling "my" house and getting one together, we talked about marriage, we talked about business ventures together... what do you mean? and he said, "but is that realistic, we are locked down for 10 years"....So... I said "then please go.... figure it out, and contact me when it's out of your system" and he says "but you'll have moved on... you won't be here anymore..." and I said, WHAT DO YOU WANT??? He is absolutely TORN in half over this because we DO have a great relationship. We do. But he's itching to explore, go on adventures, and he feels for the first time in his life he is FREE to CHOOSE. How can I help him? What should I say or do here? Please help.
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, ex-wife, moved in, moved out, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): Nikki866This guy is bad news 2 bad marriages and now in 9 months turned your life upside down. He wants his cake and eat it he plays on the fact you will replace him (and so you should) and he will have made another mistake you sound too soft. you let him move in too fast then he moved out then asked to move hin again and now this no wonder your heads a mess this guy is playing mind games.You say you keep telling him to go and fugure it out then keep taking him back again make your own mind up your a grown woman tell him what you want and if it aint the same as him the tell him to go full stop.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): What a confused soul he is! And what a lot of confusion for you! I think you need to to do what you have been doing...tell him to go and find himself. It's like he wants you but he doesn't want the constraints of raising children. Understandable but...you are a package deal, hun. And perhaps you need to think about looking for someone who is less complicated. Does a man who says he loves you and really likes your kids, even think about ending a solid, good relationship with you? In most cases...no. Your guy is sooo complicated! He seems full of self-doubts, the dilemmas...rule his heart and his thoughts, here. He seems to be in a constant state of emotional conflict because of his wants and needs in life but he seems to be forgetting about your needs too. Quite often men like this, will create great confusion, pain, and anguish as their behaviors are often insensitive and a bit unpredictable without him even realizing it.. All I am seeing here is a man who's good at wanting his own needs met, but in truth, he is finding this relationship too constraining. He's starting to feel trapped. When a man acts this way, it tells me he does have very little concern for your feelings, because he is always operating with his own agendas, in mind. It's almost like he has the same mindset as a commitment phobic man whose behaviors seem to imply to a woman, that she will be special for a short time, but it ain’t gonna be a forever deal. I give him credit for being honest and telling you all that he feels, so hes' not hiding his true feelings. Only one thing. You and your kids are a package deal. For what it's worth I'm sure this man does love you, but he seems to be doing it only in conditional ways. That's his failing, not yours. Now you need to decide whether his conditional love is enough for you. Or whether you'd rather have a healthy, inclusive, supportive, nourishing love that lets you know where you are and makes you feel safe, happy and secure. You owe that to you and your family.. And as well, your task is to decide whether or not to keep putting up with this perplexing quandary, this man has put on you. What he basically wants is counting more, than sharing a life with you...plain and simple. So what do you do? Be strong, be brave, you have no choice to accept that he is this way and keep telling him: "this is my life, these are my kids and you take all of us and what I offer to you..as is"
If he does bail on you, use your personal courage, your faith in yourself and remember, you are a lovable, good, caring woman, a mother who loves her children, no matter what. There is someone out there who will give you the wonderful, unconditional love you deserve. And if this guy goes, you have the prime opportunity to have learned something from all this and you empower yourself to be more selective instead of trying to hang onto someone who just can't be there for you and your family. Next time if someone wants to be a part of your life, I'm sure you'll let them earn your trust a little at a time. If you don't like the same things in life, for example children, you can find someone who does. Once you've got that good, solid foundation will be soon enough to start introducing this guy to your kids for their thoughts and opinions, because they have a right to share in decisions about who's in your family. I wish you well, dear and good luck to you.
...............................
|
