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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a man that I absolutely adore. We've been dating now for about three months and it's been great between us. Last week, we were intimate for the first time. I know that he doesn't have a lot of experience in this department, but he's very sensual outside the bedroom, so naturally, I thought there would be some enthusiasm and it would be pretty good. (Just because someone doesn't have a lot of experience doesn't mean they're going to be bad in bed.) It was horrible. He didn't let me move around at all, he stayed the same monotonous pace, and when I tried to get him into it by getting a little vocal, he shushed me! It took FOREVER, which wouldn't be a bad thing if it was good, but it was like I was being punished. And before you think it was him just being nervous, we tried again a couple days later and it was just as bad, if not worse. My question: How do I talk to him about this without insulting him or hurting his feelings? How do I encourage someone who seems hell bent on having one position, quiet sex? I'll stay with him no matter what, but good sex would be a bonus. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Being open and honest is best, but theres no substitute for experience. Your either into it or your not. You have to learn certain things-spanking can make a girl feel naughty, but if you dont understand why, than you miss the whole point and all of the enjoyment of it. be open minded, and take advantage of something that can bring you joy. Watch porn. Dont judge it too much. You know you love what they do sometimes, so admit that to your wife and try some new things. Watch it together and find some movies she enjoys-then do things to her that she found exciting in the movie. Communicate!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have more experience that him, but a sixteen year old kid that's been messing around with his girlfriend for the past three months has more experience than him, too. It would be alright if he was more open to my suggestions, but he's not. He doesn't want to do anything that I want. It's like he's aggressive in that respect- he wants things done the way he wants them. But I don't see how any woman would enjoy what he does. I'm not that hard to please.
We'll see how things go over the next couple days. I appreciate all the suggestions and will really put it all into play. I've just never had to deal with this before, and I guess I've come to expect men that I date to know everything already. He seems so insecure when it comes to the act of sex. He can talk about it, initiate it, and even toy with me, but when it comes down to it, he freezes. I think I'm going to try a few things tonight, if the opportunity avails. I'll let you all know what happens. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): You mentioned that he "doesn't have a lot of experience" with sex . . . meaning you have a lot more? Are you both aware that you are the much more experienced one? If so, then I would think that would help your case when bringing up ideas to shake things up. You're the teacher so to speak.
Just phrase things with "I like it this way" rather than "No, that's not good," etc. Constructive criticism is always the better idea.
Don't be afraid to say you just don't like something if that's really the case. Just stay specific about what you don't like rather than a geeneral "I don't like your sex" kind of condemnation.
And neither of you need to see any one particular way of having sex as "the" way, as if all the other ways were less valid or something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): My wife and I were rereading your one post where you said that maybe you just expect too much after years of awesome sex. I think you might be right on that. As I said in an earlier post, my wife wishes that she had been that lucky. She had a couple of pretty good lovers, but nothing like you describe. She also just said that it was not just her. Some of her girlfriends would talk about their boyfriends and how difficult it was to find someone that cared and was a good lover. Of course, that was 30 years ago and perhaps men are now better lovers then 30 years ago.
You may have already done these things, but I'll suggest them anyway. Perhaps you should tell him how much you enjoy all of the other parts of your relationship. Tell him not to worry about making a mistake in bed and to just try and that "practice makes perfect". Tell him that you don't care that he may not be good at first at oral or doggy and to please allow you to help him do it the right way. Tell him if you like to have something caressed during missionary. My wife told me to lick her ear and that or kissing during missionary is the only way that she can have an orgasm in that position. Tell him that you feel confident that he can become a great lover if he will allow himself to try and allow himself to make mistakes. Also, apologize for anything that you might have said out of frustration and that you do love him. This may be placing an unreasonable burden on you, but these are the kinds of things that it will probably take.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): I wasn't thinking of the books for you, but for him. Saying "You really don't have a lot of experience in this, do you?" could have caused a confidence problem. I had little confidence after my divorce and didn't think that I was a good lover with my first girlfriend (now my wife). She sometimes said the wrong things, not in bed, but just in sex discussions. For instance, fairly early on, she told me that I was the best she had ever had at giving her oral but not the best at intercourse. She said that I was also the best overall lover that she had ever had because of how much I cared for her enjoyment over my own and how I kissed and caressed her. That made me feel good. Sometime later, like weeks or months, she said that oral was not as important to her as the intercourse. I remembered her previous statement and felt inadequate. She sometimes said the wrong things to a guy who lacked confidence as a lover.
About a year later I was also going with another woman who seemed to say the right things in bed. She never said anything to hurt me. The nice things she said made me feel good. She also had really intense oral orgasms and made me know that oral was the most important to her. She gave me a lot of confidence. It counteracted the wrong things that my future wife sometimes said. My wife didn't say them out of frustration. She also had a need early in our relationship to have to "confess" to me about her large number (in her mind) of past lovers. She couldn't just tell me so she threw out hints that made her sound really cheap. For instance, we went to bed on our second date. I asked her if she wanted to stay the night and she said "It wouldn't be the first time." Not exactly the thing to say to a guy who had only one partner before her. It must be difficult, but a woman really has to be careful what she says to a guy who lacks confidence. I know it puts an unfair burden on the woman and I have no idea how to make it easy.
It is really difficult to build confidence in a guy who lacks it. Sometimes a person just says the wrong things. They don't mean to say them and some of the things said aren't really bad. They just sound bad to a guy who lacks confidence. Believe me, I know from my own experience. It took me many years to believe I was a good lover, even though my wife really enjoyed the sex we had together. After some years, she told me that I had become the best she had ever had. I believed she was telling me the truth, but even after 28 years, I still occasionally wonder if that can possibly be true. Maybe I'm kind of rambling for my own benefit some, but maybe it will help you understand what a guy with low confidence goes through.
If he thinks he is bad at oral then he will avoid it. My wife once told me that doggy was her favorite and one guy did that to her. We had used missionary, cowgirl and cowgirl on the couch, but not doggy. We tried doggy and it hurt her. We both thought that I was doing it wrong, so I thought that I was a failure at what she liked best. She made the mistake of telling me that it was her favorite before we had even tried it. We tried it a few more times over the years and it always hurt her. Finally, about 7 or 8 years ago we tried it again and it worked great and has ever since. We finally realized that I was now about 55 years old and a little smaller that I had been when I was younger. I had been just long enough to poke her cervix and the other guy wasn't. For 15 years I thought I was a clod at doing this.
I'm writing this not just for your benefit, but for anyone who is having a problem with a guy who lacks confidence. Guys like us can have their already low confidence hurt by the simplest wrong things said. It took me years to be confident. I can imagine that there are many cases where a guy has to be very careful what he says to a woman who thinks that she is a terrible lover. My wife tells me that I said some things to her that made her feel unattractive early on. She has always been attractive to me, so I don't why I would have done something like that. She doesn't remember the exact things that I said and she thinks that I was just joking at the time. She didn't lack confidence in bed, but she was feeling old and unattractive at 33 years old and not having found a nice man for 3 years after her divorce.
I don't want to make this a suggestion, but this is what my wife did for me. When we met, she had been divorced for 3 years and had about 10 partners in that time. I had been divorced for 6 months and she was my only partner besides my ex. She wanted me to date other women. I dated 3 others, plus a 1 night stand over the next 3 years. I went with her the entire time also. I don't think that our relationship would have worked without me knowing that I was desirable to other women and able to please them in bed.
Again, I'm sorry that I can't give you a solution, but I can at least tell you what worked and didn't work for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, trust me, I spent my entire five year relationship with my ex reading up on everything I could and trying new things all the time. He was the first person I was with, and I loved sex after that. I was always looking into new things to try and he was gung-ho about everything I brought into the bedroom. Five years of awesome sex with him, and then two years of dating others and having good sex with them, I think I've come to expect too much.
I have given him oral, and he loves it. That's about the only time he ever makes any noise. He'll moan and pant and get really into it, but when the tables are turned, he freezes up.
Something I thought could be a problem is maybe he thinks he's bad at giving oral, and he doesn't want me to be disappointed. When we were in the first stages of being close, he would always comment on how good a kisser I was and how awful he was. He's not the best kisser, but I enjoy kissing him. And the last time we slept together, I was a little frustrated and blurted out, "You really don't have a lot of experience in this, do you?" He kind of laughed a little and said, "Yeah, I know, it was boring, wasn't it." It's like he knows he's bad, but he's not willing to do anything to improve it. My best friend suggested the porn thing, too, but I don't know, I haven't even found a Penthouse in his bedroom (he lives alone, it's not like he has to hide them), so I don't know how he would react to me saying, "Hey, instead of dinner, let's stay in and watch 'Debbie Does Dallas'."
The chemistry is there, really. He's very attentive to me and makes me feel like a princess, and all I think about are ways to make him happy, too. Sparks fly, fireworks go off, etc, just not in bed. I know he has a neurological problem (He has Tourette's, but before you laugh, he doesn't swear. He has a very mild tic in his right shoulder that I didn't realize was there until I sat close to him and felt it), maybe that has something to do with it. I'm stumped, too, but I'll keep trying. Maybe I just have to suffer a little bit and fake until he's confident.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): My wife and I just read your response. She said that she is stumped. She also wishes that all of her past lovers had given her oral. You were lucky. I'm at a loss for any good suggestions right now also. We got the "Joy of Sex" early in our relationship to get ideas. It helped a little. I think there are better books out there now. Look on Amazon for sex instruction books. The ones written by Lou Paget (sexy female) are pretty good. Her book "The Great Lover Playbook" is a good one. It has a lot of ideas, even for experienced people. Have you ever watched porn movies. Most of the stuff is pretty unrealistic, but some of the amateur movies are more realistic. They use 3 or 4 normal people type positions in their scenes. I don't know what you think of watching some more normal people type porn. Just from what you have said, it sounds like it could be a hard sell to him, even if you like the idea. I believe that a few instructional videos have been made about sex techniques, but I don't know where to find them or if they really do exist.
I don't know what you think, but my wife and I both believe that a good sex life is necessary in a good and loving relationship. It doesn't have to be perfect, nothing is. If there is nothing there, it can be a rocky relationship and pretty frustrating. She thinks that at some point that you just have to give up on him. I'm not quiet that cruel at this point yet. Even though I think that I must have been pretty boring when I started dating my wife, I was willing to learn and try new positions, new places on her body to kiss or lick and follow the few suggestions that she made. I think I was a pretty bad lover with my first wife, but we were each others first so what did we know.
The first lover that my wife had after her divorce did not use any variety. He only used missionary and thought that oral was unsanitary. He did use a lot of foreplay to get her excited and varied the pace of his movements. She once tried to give him oral and he told her not to. By the way, have you tried to give him oral? What was his reaction? She went with him for over a year and was fairly happy with the sex she got from him because he kissed and fondled a lot and was very gentle with her. She also was going with others during that time, so I don't know if that made a difference. She did that so that she would not get too serious after her divorce and to feel attractive and wanted. I'm not suggesting anything, just a bit of information.
I'll try to think of something else. Hopefully others have better suggestions than I do. I don't think you should give up on him too soon, but sex really is an important part of a good relationship. Maybe not for everyone, but it is for my wife and I.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTroubles too much- See, the odd thing is during foreplay, he headed south, kind of lingered there, didn't really do much, and came back up. I greatly enjoy oral (what woman doesn't?). I have had several serious relationships, and that has NEVER happened to me. I never had a boyfriend not go there. Should I be insulted?? He gave me the impression he enjoyed it. I even asked my ex who I was with for 5 years and am still good friends with if he had ever had a bad experience giving me oral, and he said no. Everything down there is pretty tidy, so it's not like it's intimidating or scary to look at or anything.
I know I'm really good in bed. I'm all about trying different things and being in charge. But when I tried to be a little aggressive with him, he would either tell me to stop or move me back into missionary. I have never been with a man who didn't like having sex with while I'm bent over. When I moved into that position, he just knelt behind me, as if he were thinking, " .....ok, what do I do now?" And then he just rolled me back over. He'll talk dirty when we're fully clothed and out in public, but behind a closed door, he's a completely different person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I also am with a man who was terrible at first! Does claustrophobic, or pinned ring a bell with you? Afterwards he told me it had been the best experience he had ever had! I felt so sorry for him! After eight months, he too is wonderful! We created our style together because he was willing to "make me happy." And this thrilled him! With him, the talking part came the slowest like he had to concentrate on what he was doing, but that came also. Now, afterwards, I'm quite fulfilled and he's quite proud of himself, which is really wonderful to see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): I once fell for a guy who was very inexperienced and he sucked. But because we were doing fun things outside the bedroom, i did not really focus much on it and he became AWESOME. The thing is he wanted to. And I think he changed because a)I was not negative; b)I kept introducing in bed what I liked; c)and I kept telling him that he was loved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): Based on what my wife has told me about her past lovers (like 30 years ago), some guys are just like this, even those with lots of experience. Maybe they never change. She was divorced and 30 back then and her lovers were the same age. Except for one, the other bad ones were not so bad that she didn't at least get some enjoyment out of it. The one, who had been with a lot of women and thought he was great, just jumped on her and went at a constant, very fast pace. She said that she felt like a dog being fucked. It took him long and it hurt, but she just laid there and endured it. Needless to say, she never went out with him again. Most of her lovers, however, were pretty good. Maybe your boyfriend will change and be a much better lover.When I first starting going with my current wife, I had onlyhad experience with one other person (1st wife). I mostly just used the missionary position back then, but I started out with oral and kissed and licked her erogenous area during intercourse. I would give her an oral orgasm and most times a second one by licking her ear during intercourse. I also kissed and fondled her before getting into the bedroom. I think I was probably a pretty boring lover. My wife tells me that she didn't think I was boring because it seemed I cared about her feelings and pleasure more than my own. Over our first couple of years, I got better and we used more positions. Now, 28 years later, we have fantastic sex and have for the past 20 years. Sometimes, it just takes time. I know, a few years seems like forever and it may never happen.What does your boyfriend do to get you excited before intercourse? Does he kiss and lick the sensitive parts of your body? Does he give you oral sex? Does he take a lot of time at foreplay like that? That part is so important for the enjoyment of both partners. Perhaps you could encourage him in bed by taking over. Have him lie on his back and straddle him and then kiss him. After you are both excited, then tell him that you want him inside you while you ride him. You can then set the pace. If you start to get tired from doing all the work, tell him that you want him on top of you to finish. Some women have trouble taking charge. My wife has always been the submissive type. It took her a long time before she would tell me what to do. Another girlfriend I had (while was dating my current wife), laid me on my back and started riding me. She told me what she wanted. I think that she helped make me a more interesting lover. Maybe you are not the take charge type of woman, but force yourself to try it. I finally got my wife to force herself to be a little more aggressive and she now likes to be that way sometimes. I don't know about your boyfriend, but I like a woman who is somewhat aggressive.Back to the oral sex - does he do that? Do you like that? The 4 women that I have relationships with all loved it, but I love doing it. I love the enjoyment that she has when she has an orgasm from oral sex. If you want it, but he doesn't do it, I don't know how you can get him to. No one ever had to force me to do that. Perhaps some others can post and tell you how to accomplish that. I only stress the oral part of sex because I remember how important it was to all of my partners. The one had mostly only had orgasms with oral sex. I got the impression from her that very few guys did that.I'm sorry that I don't have good suggestions on how to make him a better lover quickly. It took me some time to get better. For many years, I had always lacked confidence as a lover, so it took me time to get better.
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reader, cd206  +, writes (19 October 2007):
 I don't think you need to come right out and say you think he's bad at sex. Why not try ane encourage him mid sex? Sounds like the sex talk doesn't really do it for him but you could probably get quite far along the lines of "touch me there" etc. If that doesn't work maybe you need to question whether the chemistry is really there in this relationship.
CD
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