A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Are there any early forties females out there who can advise me on how to structure my life to move on from an 18 year old relationship? Without going into too much detail, I was in a very bad relationship that has left me with low confidence in terms of making new friends. It feels like everyone that I know already is super-connected - out of all of my friends I probably have the least and it really gets to me sometimes.The friends that I have are great but super-busy also - we are all studying at high-level academia - and I feel I need more friends just for hanging out with but also new friends to satisfy my intellectual needs - this is something that I completely 'shelved' during the relationship. I don't have any family at all, and when they were alive they were abusive towards me. So I don't hae that support network in my life and never will have. I'm still hurting from the relationship ending and have been in a kind of limbo state since September - meeting up with my ex probably too much. It really hurts, for example, that he is out drinking with a mate after saying that we might meet up - I told him the situation was getting too strange for me because I felt "strung along" despite not being in a relationship with him anymore, just as I did when I was actually in the relationship - and he said he is happier because he can do what he likes now. It is not that I don't want him to be happy, but that he is a binge drinker which caused chaos and too much pain in our relationship - of course he is happier not to have me "nagging" him about it - what hurts is that he simply prefers to be out getting sozzled with his different sets of mates (who all adore him, he is very popular) whilst I am alone a lot of the time, just as I was in our relationship. Because he has so many friends, they all love seeing him when they do and none of them can really imagine how bad his drinking is because for them they are having more of a 'one off' heavy night with him now and again, whereas he is routinely doing heavy nights with the many different friends that he has. When we were together I was the only person who saw the other side of this - the hangovers and the chaotic lifestyle and it nearly killed me emotionally and I became physically unwell with the stress of it all. It did, however, make me feel connected to the world through him - it was so easy to sometimes join in and see lots of people and feel connected to the world. I simply cannot do that on my own as I don't know anywhere like the same amount of people in my own right.It makes me feel like such a loser that he prefers them. And, oddly, I had this bad self view when I was with him and always felt grateful that he wanted to be with me because I feared that others wouldn't want to be. I guess because he is a social animal - as are many people around me that I know - I feel like a bit of a loser. I'm generally really good with people now and very friendly, but I have complete "loss of confidence" moments when I can feel people starting to get closer to me and also lack confidence to gain the kind of friendships that I know I would find satisfying - that is with intellectuals - I'm really sorry if this latter sounds snobby, but I've honestly spent so many years behaving as "counsellor" to people because it was, I realise now, an easy way to make friends and I tended to identify with people who were struggling socially because I really didn't want them to feel left out. I don't want to be just that to people anymore - I'm at a stage in life now where I just need to be realistic about what kind of friends I want - I really crave good conversation that doesn't involve me just "counselling" people. I'm desparate to get a job in my academic field but my health is still recovering and, whilst I have not got one, I feel like a loser and sometimes very isolated as well. My ex-partner, despite being a binge drinker, does have a job in the same field (but he studied at a much lower level) and so is always surrounded by people, which he loves. I really don't want to go onto a downward spiral. Can anyone help please in thinking about how to 're-structure' my life? I just have no real sense of what is 'normal' and already feel judged for possibly not being/ or just being ...I dunno... my friends do genuinely seem to love me but I've never been one of these "huge fan club" people and right now it is getting to me. Weirdly, I feel that I can't move on and get a new partner in case he judges me for not having enough 'quality' friends - when in fact I do have at least a handful of close, great girlfriends. Surely it is not right that I feel that way? On the other hand, I really don't want to end up in some co-dependent situation with a guy again who just accepts that I don't have as many friends as most people in my city - I realise now that this is what I did when I met my ex and that he 'used' me for comfort when he was at a low or simply needed a woman in the background for 'security' so that he could go out and socialise with more confidence and leave me lonely at home. I really don't want that again!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (22 January 2012):
 1. First of all do not be in a rush to get new friends immediately. You have come out of a hell hole and you are well rid of him.
Re-structure your life so you are less likely to ever appeal to such a loser ever again.
2. Put in place all the foundations that will lead you to a nicer person who you deserve in the future. By restructuring your life you may be lonely for a little but the end result will be better.
3. while but the new product call 'YOU' will be a product more people will show interest in and you will have more nice people to choose from in the future using this people.
4. It is OK to say NO to anything anyone and any request that is not right for you.
5. Get debt free if you are not already debt free. As a single any debt of any kind is a Mill-Stone around your neck and you do not need that.
5. Work on your own inner confidence and recognize that a positive person will attract more people than an overly negative person
here is an article on the power of Positive thinking. It can be done, even when things look bleak.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
this is an article on Self Confidence from Code Warrior is also worth reading. I think it is an excellent article from Dear Cupid:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
6. Keep your life simple. Keep to a routine.
7. Review your wardrobe and revamp it. Because it is easy to sink into a rut and keep on wearing things that looked OK in 1990 but look passe now and make you look too old. Conversely do not start dressing like a teenager today as that also makes you look too old .
8. Allow a hip contemporary younger hairdresser some leeway to make suggestions on how to revamp how you do your hair.
9. Visit a big department store and approach a girl who is not overly made up like a child's doll. But who instead is wearing minialist classy makeup and ask her for some tips.
10. Start enjoying your own company - a Sudoko puzzle. Maybe a cross word or a new hobby? Busy intelligent people are more attracted to a self sufficient person who is comfortable with their own company. A confident person who is not too needy. read a new book regularly. Keep up with what is in a daily newspaper - online does not always give enough detail. You are a better conversationalist when you can discuss issues and have some views on some issues.
11. If you can join a group of walkers or afford to join a gym then do it. There is No Doubt at all that a girl with a fit toned body has a much better pick of the available pool of men who may become the love of your life.
12. eat healthy and eat fresh. You can make a meal and then freeze it into meal size portions in snap lock bags un the freezer. Then you only need to steam some vegetables when you arrive home and add one of the snap lock bags of whatever (Bolognese sauce/ a casserole / the basis of a stir fry - vegetables added on the night you are eating it)
13. Volunteer to give time to work for a community volunteer project. This allows productive use of your time and you have fun at the same time.
14. attend a home handyman course (Hardware stores often run them) - not having to pay for small repairs will make you more independent and will boost your confidence and save you money.
15. When you are starting to feel more confident then discreetly let your friends and family know that you are back on the market.
16. Ditch a guy ASAP - do not hope he might improve - if he is not the one.
17. Write out a list of your 10 best points
18. Write out a list of the 5 things you want to achieve in 2012 - pin it up where you see it daily
19. Write out a list of the 10 character qualities you need in your next partner
20. Write out a list of things you wlll NEVER accept in a partner - just so you can recognize a loser in the future.
All these things will imporove your confidence and your belief in you as a person deserving the BEST options in life. Confident people will tend to attract similarly good confident achievers like you
best Wishes to you
Abella
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