A
female
age
41-50,
*arah
writes:Yucky problem..I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and love him hugely. I'm in my early 30's with a child who lives with her dad and his wife and he's in his late twenties, we're also from different cultures. He lives with his parents while I live in an apartment quite close to him and we work together - I manage a business which he owns. The problem is that he won't stay over at my apartment; in fact he's never stayed the night with me in all the time we've been together. We've planned weekends away which never come to fruition and I don’t think we spend enough time together; the latest he’ll stay to is 11ish on a weekend if I’m lucky. He says he plans to marry me but in a year or so and his parents don’t know we’re together, in fact none of his friends do – I’ve never even met any. I feel very much frustrated by the whole relationship and no amount of conversation – which is slowly turning into daily arguments, seems to change anything..any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Zarah +, writes (11 August 2007):
Zarah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend's family seem to rely on him a lot. They'd go absolutely mad if he had a gf at all, let alone one from a different culture with a child. He says that he wants to wait another year before telling them because he'll have gained entrance to medical school and have something to 'bargin' with - I think he means he'll have something to soften the blow of me. It'll be like 'Okay, dad, Bad news, I'm marrying a white girl, good news, I'm a year closer becoming a doctor' sort of thing. This annoys me a lot as I'm plenty good enough for him already. We've actually kinda split up now. I've done the talking thing, I've cried, screamed, threatened, coaxed..everything. And it's still the same. I'm gonna try and keep my distance for a while and see if the thought of being without me brings him to his senses. If it does, excellent, if it doesn't, at least I didn't waste another year being his option while he was my priority. Thanks so much for all of your kinds words and advice x
A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (11 August 2007):
 When two people get together from two different cultures,it is always difficult, especially if a woman has been married/co-habitated before. How do you think his parents gonna take it? I don't wish to put a dampener on on things here, but you don't want him to be cut off from his family, because they would probably want him to find a lady from his own culture with no child. Normally when two people date each other even for 2 years they meet both their friends and family, so that they have a good idea how suitable both people are and whether they will stay together for long term commitment.
I would put any plans of marriage on hold until there is a solid foundation to this relationship,because if he refuses to discuss the future with you and keeps sweeping it under the carpet it will become an even more vicious circle. You seem to be doing things on his terms,without compromising it should be a 50/50 decision on both parts.
I really do hope things will turn out right in the end with you guys, but you and this guy both have a lot of thinking to do before jumping into something that is going to cause long term heartache on both parties. I can also understand that he is as anxious as you are, about getting everyone's blessing with wanting to have a life long commitment with you and daughter.
Good Luck my dear and keep me posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): In my experience, when a guy hides you from his family/friends and acts sketchy, as in he won't sleep over ever, usually he is keeping something from you that's BAD. Probably another woman. And that is pretty univeral and trans-cultural.There IS something he is not telling you, that if you knew, you would probably flip out. What I don't understand AT ALL is how you could date a guy for TWO WHOLE YEARS and just now start to become suspicious.
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A
female
reader, i do anything to help +, writes (11 August 2007):
 It is understandable that u feel this way. I think any 1 wud be concerned if it was them. Maybe his past relationships havent gone 2 well and he donsnt want 2 ruin this 1. Keeping a relationship a secret is more exciting and u dont get people interfering. Maybe with his past gfs there was more than them in a relationship. Try 2 tlk 2 him about this hopefully he will listen and understand wot u mean. It must be hard 4 u not 2 have spent a nite 2getha as u love him a lot. It seems that he does love u alot 2 as he wants 2 marry u. I think u rele do need 2 sit down 2getha without no raised voices and speak calmly he may listen. When he is ready he mite want his family 2 met u but tlk 2 him and give it time. As long as u have each other gd luck xxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): well hunny its your choice to say or not but ive been with my guy for a year and sum know and sum dont just have a talk with him in why he doesnt want you too meet them or never would want to stay the night just watch out he maybe hiding u as he is with some one eles but also he may just dont see the reason to but your just going to have to talk to him to see what he says and what you want to do and your best bet is talk to him and let it all out and know its for the best you cant live like this for ever and anyways a year is a year but a year or so which means he can put you of in a year it just doesnt seem right
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