A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a really unique situation, I'm sure. So my fiance is going to be in prison for the next ten years. I've been with him 3 years. Is it bad for me to not want to wait for him?..I'm only in my mid 20s, and I don't want to put the rest of my young adult years on hold..am I selfish for this? I keep feeling guilty for thinking I can't wait and it's tearing me apart. I need some kind of outside point of view and advice.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 April 2017):
 Nope not bad off you, if he wanted to get married to you and enjoy life together he should never have broke the law. I assume he has done something pretty bad to be locked up for ten years so I say no go and enjoy your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2017): Move on! He's not worth waiting for.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 April 2017):
 Don't feel guilty. You're not the one who committed a crime and got sent to prison. If he wanted to be with you for the next 10 years, then he shouldn't have broken the law, now should he? He's the one who is responsible for going away for 10 years. Why on earth should you feel guilty? I would get it if he couldn't help being sent away, but he is directly responsible for having being put in prison. So that was HIS choice, not yours. You shouldn't be punished for something HE did, by having to wait for him.
You're engaged, not married. You can walk away without any guilt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): your decision is not at all wrong. It is the right decision.
However do make sure that you are not findable. Not this year, not next year. Not any year. This is for your own protection.
Because ten years is a long time for someone to stew over past events, get angry, feel revengeful and develop plans to reconnect with you, whether you want that or not.
If his crime was one that involved violence towards others then be especially careful. Do not relent. Never mind what he promises.
Prisons don't have a great record in respect to rehabilitating people. For some prisoners they come out of prison more violent and more revengeful. A person going into a prison will cohabit with people far tougher and meaner than themselves. This hardens prisoners as they adapt in order to survive in a prison. Prisons are hard brutal places.
Seek advice on how to really go incognito from this day on. Just relocating or just changing jobs will not be enough if a determined ex criminal seeks to find you.
Your safety. Your right to a peaceful life. Your right to a happy future with a law abiding partner are all good goals to keep in mind, along with good health for the future.
I would suggest that you break contact. Do not tell him your plans.
Be aware that he may try to find you through your family and friends.
It is tough to be cautious about your future but it is important.
He did something that caused him to be convicted for ten years. This was the result of something he did.
It is NOT your fault in any way.
He is the one who is responsible for this outcome.
Ten years is far too long for you to put your life on hold.
Far too long for you to waste your life and deny yourself any chance of a loving full relationship with a kind loving law abiding man who is reliable and who treats you well.
Go forward with confidence and with the belief that you do deserve better than this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): I agree with you, OP.You need to move on. It is the right thing to do FOR YOU.Even if you tried to hang in, I will guarantee you that one day a man would walk into your life to change all that.Your fiancé made some bad choices; choices which landed him in jail. Not just a slap on the wrist but for 10 YEARS!!!! So, it must have been something very serious.WHY would you hang in for a man like THAT? For a man who messed up to such an extent that he going to jail for 10 years?What kind of a man is this? And more importantly, what kind of a husband would he be?I can tell you one thing for sure. I would not be putting my life on hold for this sort of a man.You are not being selfish. He was being selfish. For doing something so stupid that he ended up with a long prison sentence. Which jeopardized and ruined your entire future together.You are now reacting to his choices. You have every right to leave him and move on. He did leave you with no choice. And by gambling his future away with you, it proves that he did not love you. Not enough. And not in the way you might have loved him. He is in no way husband material. There is no way you can remain celibate for 10 years and have your eyes closed to potential boyfriends who could become a future husband. I seriously doubt anybody's "LOVE" is THAT strong. And I seriously doubt your love is that strong if you are even contemplating not waiting around from the get go.Trust your gut. Cut him loose. Let him serve his time and hopefully learn his own lessons.You no longer need to be in his life.And one more thing: In the future, try to make better choices for boyfriend/potential husband material.Yes, leave him. And live YOUR life. He made his own bed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017): No, it isn't wrong! He made his choices, so feel free to make yours.
He chose a life of crime over you. He decided the consequences of breaking the law were no deterrent and insufficient to stop him from doing what he wanted to do. He decided he's above the law. You weren't important enough to him to rethink his plans; so he wouldn't have to leave you behind waiting.
If you don't want to waste the next ten years of your youth waiting for a convict; I call that reclaiming your power.
You gave him your love and loyalty when it counted; and he just flushed it all away. He's now a felon! That's a long sentence, which indicates the crime was very significant.
Wash your hands of this relationship. Don't write, don't send him money, don't visit him in prison, and completely disassociate; so he can't appeal to your sympathies and manipulate your emotions. Your pity will make you serve his sentence with him. You don't deserve that!
Please don't misunderstand my advice. I don't mean to suggest that you become cruel, inhumane, and totally insensitive. You can pity him for his plight, or pray for him; but do not chain yourself to his present circumstances. He's a crab in a bushel-basket. Take one out, and the rest try to pull you down with them.
You don't get that kind of sentence as a first-offender. You knew his criminal history all along and just accepted it.
Let him serve his time and hope he is able find his way back into society as a law-abiding citizen. By that time, you should be long gone! His family will be waiting for him.
He has set you free to do as you choose with your own life.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (22 April 2017):
 There have been plenty of romantic books and movies where the heroine tearfully promises to wait for her beloved as he goes off to war, a long sea voyage or a lengthy trip to "find himself." In your situation, your fiancé committed a crime and has been convicted. First and foremost, 10 years is a very long time and whether in jail or not, people will no doubt change-who knows if you'd be compatible anymore at that point? An experience like prison will change all kinds of things within your boyfriend, it's a traumatic experience being locked up with men who have seen and done things that forced society to lock them away. Second, you're a young woman still, ten years in a "long distance" relationship will rob you of everything other young women enjoy. He can't hug you after you've had a bad day, can't take you on trips, can't be there to give you any kind of support. Finally, as much as you may love him, he chose to do something terrible and earn himself a prison sentence. Why must you jail yourself as well? He commits a crime and you BOTH suffer. Where's the fairness in that? Even after he gets out, he'll forever be a convicted felon which would make it difficult for him to get a good job and a host of other things. So to answer your question, don't wait, don't trap yourself. Your feelings of guilt are normal but you must move on. Don't sell yourself short. You need to be kind to yourself too, hon. Long gone are the days when women were forced to suffer for the mistakes of their spouses. Live your life, LOVE your life and yourself. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2017):
 No.
That is the simple answer.
What I do wonder is why you seem to think it's almost "bad" to waste 10 years waiting but not so bad that he obviously committed a crime of serious nature to get 10 years.
If YOU don't want to wait 10 years for him to get out - TELL him, give the ring back and CUT all contact.
There are definitely no RULES that says you HAVE to wait for a guy who CHOSE to commit a crime over being with you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 April 2017):
 He must have done something pretty bad to go to prison for a decade - it's wise that you break up with him because he's not a good person for anyone to be around, right now.
It's not selfish; you *should* break up.
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