A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I find it hard to trust people because of the way I was treated as a child, but I grew to trust my partner of four years. Recently, he started talking a lot about a girl he works with, telling everyone how pretty she is and how much fun they have together. He often went to her house to watch films, which was fine by me. One night though, I asked him to come straight home because I was going to cook us a romatic meal. I phoned him when he was late and he said he'd gone to see her instead and forgotten. He then brought her home with him, spoiling all our plans, and got mad at me for not wanting to talk to them. After this, he started acting very strangely. He was late from work regularly and withdrawn. He lost his temper easily with me. He also forgot about our anniversary and lied about why he didn't get me a present or card (I have had five different explanations for this, none of which can be true).A while ago, I met this girl at a birthday party I had. He spent the entire night running around after her, ignoring everyone else. Something they did enraged his brother so much that he left the party and went home, but he wont explain this. The next day, I asked if anything happened between them. He told me it wasn't, but then a mutual friend told me he had told him something else and to talk to him. Eventually, after lying repeatedly, he admitted that he kissed her, but said he had not done so before that night. Whilst trying to sort out an online account for my partner, I accessed his e-mail to verify it. I came across lots of messages between them. I know I shouldn't have, but I read them. In them he called her darling, babe, sexy and so on. He said things like he looked forward to seeing her at work half an hour before she would arrive, that he missed her and sent her kisses and pictures of red roses I had also received at later dates. I checked his phone and found similar messages.Confused by all this, but still convinced I was being paranoid, I arranged to meet them both from work one day and get to know her. Just as I left the house (an hour away from his work), I got a message saying she wanted to be alone with him instead.The next day, I got hold of her number and messaged her. We met up and she told me this wasn't true. She told me she had kissed him many times as a friend, that she treated him like all the men she knew. She said that he had been acting strangely towards her and wanted to know what she should do to stop him. She seemed as upset and confused as me and concerned that she might have hurt me through her behaviour.I talked to him again and he said he had lied when I asked him what was going on, that it wouldn't happen again and had never gone further than kissing and flirty messages. He seemed to think she was interested in him and that something could have happened between them.A few days ago, I borrowed his phone and couldn't help looking to see if he had messaged her again. He had, calling her babe and so on and offering to do things like rub lotion all over her. She is away on holiday so he kept saying how he missed her. Her messages back were infrequent and brief, talking about the weather and ignoring his flirting.I casually asked him if he had been in touch with her and he accidentally let slip some of what he had said. He then tried to pretend he didn't realise he was flirting, then admitted to lying again. He told me he wanted to have a little fun with her, and that it wouldn't have been a bad thing to do if I hadn't found out. He also said that if I was fun he wouldn't have had to do this.Last night I asked if I could borrow his phone today, telling him i had no credit. When he gave it to me, he had deleted all the messages he had sent to her that I already saw.What I want to ask is, in your opinion does this count as cheating and do you think he will stop. I would welcome any advice.Thanks
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anniversary, at work, flirt, kissing, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to let you know that I did break up with him. I wanted to be sure I had enough evidence first. Thanks for your support
A
female
reader, ladybug  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 yup! its absolutely cheating!! trust your intuition!! dont be so martyr, all the evidences is smashing in front of your face. I believe that it is ok for a guy to have a little fling for sometime, and knowing that you are a bit jealous is healthy for your relationship, BUT in your case i think his infidelity goes beyond normal, look, once a man begin acting a little crazy, have a full sense of doubt! why in the world he would keep his phone from you if he dosent have anything to hide? and for godsake! how could he forget your anniversary? knowing that it means a lot to you? besides, he is also lying to you! it is apparent that he dosent respect you, and in that case, give yourself the respect that you deserve, you shoul not stay with this CHEATER.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 July 2007):
 I can see from your follow-up that you did not re-read your post through the lens of respect. If you did, you would have told us that you kicked that guy's cheating ass out of your life.
There is a world of endless possibilities waiting for you, but all you see is a future with this guy. Perplexing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): youre not being paranoid, but thats not the issue here, the issue is why are you sticking around for this doomed relationship to die? hes lying to you, and has done repeatedly; after everything youv said in your question, how can you still be with him? he has no respect for you and yet youre still there, getting more and more worked up over it, when what you need to do is leave him asap! im sorry but youre being very foolish, he isnt going to change and this isnt going to stop and you know that. you need to stop looking for someone to say 'oh well maybe it is all innocent' because thats just not the case. if you finished a box of condoms and now loose ones have appeared, thats pretty much a sign hes used some. and if it wasnt with you it was with somebody else. move on for the love of god, move on!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust now, I asked him if i could borrow a lighter and he said he'd go get one. He was busy so I asked where it would be and went to get it. I found a pack of 2 condoms and 2 loose condoms in his drawer. He says he opened them a little while ago when I said I wanted to sleep with him then changed my mind but that doesn't seem to make sense. I also know the last time we slept together we finished off a box. Does that strike you as a sign that he slept with her or am I really just being paranoid now...
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A
female
reader, DIE-romantic. +, writes (22 July 2007):
 Yes, in my opinion and many other's opinion, it is classed as cheating, i wouldn't stand for this at all. He isn't worth bothering with here, you deserve better than this treatment.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (22 July 2007):
The question you should be asking is, "Do you think I will stay with this cheater despite his utter lack of respect for me?"
I want you to re-read your post through the lens of respect. Is this how you would go about treating your partner?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): This is not a trust issue. He is cheating, he calls her, dates her, kisses her and pays more attention to her than you. Also he is doing this openly and in your face. The issue here is not trust but why you feel its OK for him or any man to treat you like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): Yes he's cheating on you and he won´t stop unless you stand up to him. You deserve better, I would advise you to give him the boot, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): of course its cheating for gods sake! 'have some fun' probably means that if she was interested too, he would have sex with her, and thinks it would be ok if you didnt find out. does that sound like soemthing a man should do in a relationship? no. hes cheating emotionally and if she had accepted, it would have been physical. hes paying her the attention he should be paying you and hes doing it right in front of everyone and humiliating you. leave him, as he clearly has no respect for you at all; you might find it hard to trust people and dont want to lose all hope of the trust you put in him, but he has grossly abused that trust and you need to get out of this relationship. if he loved you he wouldnt look for 'fun' elsewhere and chase this other woman so shamelessly. hes a fool and youre being far too lenient. kick him to the curb before you suffer any more embarassment and pain at his hands
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