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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for 5 years and have three kids one of only 4 weeks and discovered he has been on dating lines for our area.he has done similar things before but never admits anything and makes me in the wrong for not trusting him.i dont know how much more i can take from the man i love.i am attractive and make sure i loose all my weight from our babies plus some so why is he looking elsewhere all the time?i just need help understanding.i am not as weak as this sounds.promise! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 Sorry if it sounded from my earlier comment that I'm suggesting he would directly admit he 'was intending to buy'. I meant that you need to ask these questions to yourself, and then see how much he will tell you, and what you believe the answer is. Ideally you two should be able to be completely honest with each other, but as we all know and experience, that is rarely possible.
What I mean is you need to know for yourself whether he was looking just to look, or with the deliberate intention of being unfaithful. Whilst both are bad, one is much worse than the other in my opinion, and you should distinguish between the two.
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female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (10 August 2006):
 Well, all due respects Yos, but I don't think he's really going to admit it if he is intending to buy. He's not exactly following 'The Waltons' family code of ethics is he?
You poor lady, this man is undermining your belief in yourself. Certain men behave like this whether or not you are attractive, slim, intelligent. Do not allow him to turn the tables. How dare he. Let him cut THAT out right away.
Stand your ground, if he isn't going to ship up, ship him out. You get one shot at this life and you cannot compromise the essence of who you are, or your morals. This is not on, you've given him children, you deserve the very best, expect it.
You are probably feeling vulnerable, but this behaviour will torment you and leave you even more fragile. If you have to go it alone, you will astonish yourself to see how proactive the energy you're wasting on this problem can be.
Is it worse to be alone if you will have peace of mind and self acceptance? I personally find a calm peace since moving away from a partner who ogled women outrageously and denied it vehemently. Read my question posted from pretty recently. I also see now by the intensity of the quesion, the frame of mind I was in at the time was not healthy.
To quote a very smart dude: "When you have achieved love of yourself then all of your other relationships look slightly different, and you will find yourself surrounded by people that you *choose* to be with, not people that you need to be with.. "
Be brave and mighty forces will come to your aid. Give your marriage its best shot, you do need guidance or direction now. If that doesn't work it's time to move on.
Katy
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (10 August 2006):
 Honey, your instinct is correct, and I admire the strength of your self-worth. Your husband's dishonesty and disrespect is at issue here and although you may not see it this way yet, your marriage is in crisis. Before any "fixing" can occur in your marriage he has to prove that he can take responsibility for his choices - but I think you are aware of this obstacle.
If he can't own up to his wandering, what else might he be hiding? His lying is a warning of worse things to come if he can't stop himself. A few of those worst-things-to-come could be the erosion of your self-esteem, an extramarital affair, and a lifetime of suffering for your kids.
He is lacking something in his life, but it has nothing to do with you. If he keeps deflecting responsibility for his choices then you have choices. I won't say which is the one you should pick, but here are but a few:
1) Do nothing. Possible consequences: Your self-worth will slowly erode; you may one day catch him cheating; your kids will see that their world is falling apart and sustain lifelong damage in their formative years. In the absence of any motivation, your husband will not change his behaviour.
2) Ask him to go to marriage counselling. Possible consequences: He says yes and in the course of counselling you both find out what is missing in his life. Then you can come up with a plan as a team to resolve his issues. The family is not turned upside down and your kids continue to grow up in an environment where they feel safe and loved. Or he says no, in which case you are left with choices 1 and 3.
3) Present an ultimatum to him: Either he gets help so that he can conduct his life honestly or he moves out. Possible consequences: He shapes up and gets help either now or after he has moved out. If he shapes up, your children regain a father that they can be proud of, one who teaches them (by example) to take responsibility for their choices. If he does not shape up, the kids will still have you for a role model and an environment where they can grow up safe and loved. The kids may also eventually understand that theirs is a household where everyone takes responsibility for their actions.
Your husband needs to grow up and start acting like a man, not a teenager. I hope this helps. Good luck and take care.
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reader, Yos +, writes (10 August 2006):
There are various reasons why he could be doing this.
A likely one (in my opinion) is that he is just 'window shopping'. He probably has no intention to buy. Rather, it's just the virtual equivalent of looking at the pretty girls walking down the street.
When a guy sees an attractive woman, he might for a moment think to himself... "mmm, she's nice. What if...". It's just (male) human nature. A faithful man lets the thought / feeling come and go without reacting to it, and moves on. Another man might dwell on the thought / feeling, and allow the "what if..." scenario to keep on playing. And another might try to initiate convesation.
The same thing goes on online. Some men look at porn and fantasize about fantasy sex with these women. Or fantasize about real sex. Others look through dating sites, thinking "mmm, she's nice. What if...". Many have no intention of contacting, they're just playing with the fantasy. But others might go further, and start doing things like making a profile, sending messages, and so on.
This might be what he's doing. If so, you should ask:
- Is he just window-shopping or would he (if he could find a way to) actually buy? Is it fantasy, or would he actually contact or meet anyone this way?
- Why is he ashamed of it? Why, when you know he does it, does he insist on denying it, and make you feel in the wrong? This is a dishonest reaction and points to insecurity in your relationship. You should aim to be intimate and totally honest with each other. What is preventing this? It's often stuff like previous past relationships, fear, insecurity, self-esteem issues, and most of all, not being honest with ourselves.
Monogamy is difficult. Just maintaining the relationship isn't enough. You need to constantly inject new energy and fresh behaviour to keep your connection feeling shiny and new, otherwise it will become stale. Once it becomes stale, peoples focus on each other wanes and you start to grow apart and be more attracted to others. You are in a very common situation. The way out is probably just the most standard thing of all: find ways to bring the two of you closer together.
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