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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear Agony Aunts,I wonder if you could please give me some dating advice. I have been seeing my new boyfriend for 2 months now, and whilst I know he does love me, we tend to argue a lot!I've known him for 3 years beforehand, and he was always after me, when I wasn't really interested....but after dating a number of losers, I decided to open up to the idea of someone who really loved me, and wasn't the typical "player".However, we are very different - he is Latvian - a builder, and I am English (Indian-English) - a management consultant.I believe the arguments are happening because he misreads things I say often, but I think there is an underlying negativity due to our past, and possibly he feels inferior (or he believes I think this of him), due to our differing levels of education / financial success (he is still trying to establish himself as a builder in the UK, whilst I have my own business, doing well).I have tried to talk to him about the root of the arguments, but I'm not sure whether he listens or not. The problem is that when we argue, his temper goes crazy. I am a very calm, educated woman, whilst he gets so frustrated that he aggressively shouts and slaps his hands together (as though he needs to hit something) - to the point that I burst out in tears.He vows he will never hit me, but I fear he is already showing a loss of control of his temper - the other day he threw his mobile phone on the floor, smashing it into tiny pieces.Has anyone experienced this? I've always believed a relationship should feel wonderful, especially in the beginning. When we don't argue, he is the most calm and loving man I have ever met. And I know he doesn't even look at any other woman. And he is always very sorry and loving when he realises his temper has upset me.He is truly amazing to me 80% of the time, and believes his temper is triggered by "silly/demeaning" things that I say to him - again I think he just reads into things differently, due to our history of my rejecting him in the past.I really don't know what to - can we work at improving this relationship, or do you think it will just get worse? Maybe we are too different??!Thanks so much,Jane xxx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): I still say counseling is a good road to take. Especially with the knowledge that you grew up in a home where violence was present.
Have you gone to counseling to address these past issues which do in fact influence your decision making when chosing a life partner.
Again, in the book I quoted it states that studies have shown that when a child is raised in a home where abuse is occuring; more often than not the child when an adult will chose a partner that exhibts all or some of the traits of the abusor from their childhood in hope of acheiving a different outcome from their chidhood.
eg. If mother was distant and cold, with drawn and hardly affectionate...then said adult would chose the same in a partner in hopes that they can get the partner to stop being cold and withdrawn.
Seek some counseling while the BF is away. It helps to talk about your concerns.
Best of Wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2006): Hello Malyce Synn,THis is Jane - the original poster of this problem.Thanks so much for taking time out to provide your feedback. I have gone through your points listed, and the only one I can agree with is point number 14 (partly).Having said this, I've had a long talk with my boyfriend about the subject of his temper. He agrees that the problem lies with him, and for some reason, he tends to misread certain things I say. I believe this comes from having an inferiority complex in comparison to myself (I am more successful financially and academically).We have come to the conclusion that he will try to work on himself - he is going away to see family for a month, as is in need of a break. He does truly love me - maybe it is a case of loving me too much, I don't know.But he does respect whatever I say - he agrees that he has got things wrong when misunderstanding my behaviour. He also agrees that he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he displays an agressive side to his personality. Whilst I am not scared when he loses his temper, I have come from a family where violence was apparent, so just have a greater fear of this happening in my own relationships. Plus, I just don't like it!We have agreed that, if such types of arguments happen again, we are both ready to call it a day. I feel he is showing some degree of maturity in being prepared to lose me, even though we do love each other.So we are going to try again - have this month as a break to see how we feel, and when he returns to UK, try again.Thanks again for your advice.Does anyone else have further opinions on what I should do?LoveJane xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): Whoa.
Please get some couples counseling to sort this out before taking this commitment to another level.
If you have fear of his temper; it is out of control and he has indicators that say he is very abusive emotionally as well as physically.
Here is a questionnarie in a book titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship~How to STop Being Absued and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverly Engel.
Are You Being Emoitionally Abused?:
1. Do you feel as if your partner treats you like a child? Does he/she constantly chastise you because your behaviour is "inappropriate"? Do you feel you msut "get permission" before going somewhere or before making even the smallest of decisions? Do you have to account for any money you spend, or does he/she attempt to control your spending (even though he/she has no problem spending himself/herself)?
2. Does your partner treat you as if you are "less than" or inferior to him/her? Does your partner make a point of reminding you that you are less educated or that you make less money or that you aren't as attractive as he/she is?
3. Does your partner routinely ridicule, dismiss, or disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
4. Does your partner constantly belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, or your plans for the future?
5. do you find yourself "walking on eggshells"? Do you spend a lot of time monitoring your behaviour and/or watching for your partner's bad moods before bringing up a subject?
6. Have you stopped seeing may or all of your friends and/or family since being in this relationship? Did you do this because your partner dislikes them, because your partner feels jealous ot ht time you spent with them or, because you are ashamed of the way he treats you in front of them? Did you stop seeing friends and family because you are ashamed of the fact thta you're still with him/her, even though you've complained to them many times about the way he/she treats you?
7. Does your parnter usually insist on getting her/his own way? Does she/he want to be the one to decide where you will go, what you will do, and with whom you will do it?
8. Does your partner punish you by pouting, by withdrawing from you, by giving you the silent treatment, or by withholding affection or sex is you don't do things her/his way?
9. Does your partner frequently threaten to end the relationship if you don't do things his/her way?
10. Dos your parnter constantly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs even though it isn't true?
11. Does your partner feel he or she is always right?
12. Does your partner seem impossible to please? Does he/she constantly complain to you about some aspect of your personality, your looks, or the way you choose to run your life?
13. does your partner frequently put you down or make fun of you in front of others?
14. Does your partner blame you for his or her problems? For example, does he/she claim it is your fault he flies off the handle and starts screaming? Does he/she tell you he/she wouldn't do it if you didn't make him/her so mad? Are you to blame of her/his problem with compulsive overeating? Because she/he has a drinking problem? does he/she blame you for not being able to finish college or fulfill his dream of becoming an actor (author, musician, singer, ect.)?
15. Does your partner feel you are the one who is responsible for all the problems in the relationship?
16. Does your partner's personality seem to go through radical changes? Is she/he pleasant one minute only to be furious the next? Does he/she become enraged with only the slightest provocation? Does she/he experience periods of extreme elation followed by periods of severe depression? Does his/her personality seem to change when he/she drinks alcohol?
17. Does your partner tease you, make fun of you, or use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you? When you complain, does he/she tell you it was a joke and that you are too sensitive or don't have a sense of humour?
18. Is your parnter unable to laugh at herself/himself? Is she/he extremely sesitive when it comes to others making fun of her or making any kind of comment that seems to show lack of respect?
19. Does your partner find it difficult or impossible to apologize or admit when he/she is wrong? Does she/he make excuses for her/his behaviour or tend to blaem others for her/his mistakes?
20. Does your partner constantly pressure you for ex or try to persuade you to engage in sexual acts that you find disgusting? Has he ever threatened to find someone else who will have sex with him/her or who will engage in the activities he/she is interested in?
If you answered yes to half or more of these questions with a yes, you are definitely being emotionally abused. But a yes to even a few of the above questions can also indidcate emotional abuse. More than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive relationship is a consistent pattern of hurtufl, humiliating, and condescending behaviour. ~ pages 15-17
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