A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am frustrated beyond belief and the worst part is, I will NEVER EVER cheat. My boyfriend (who is, admittedly, a very good guy) and I have been together almost 3.5 years. No engagement ring yet and he always claims it's money which I get because I'm in the same boat. We always talk about starting a family and what not but he's always thankful when I have a negative pregnancy test. We will go weeks without sex and then one week, everything is pretty much awesome (most of the time. he somehow just can't keep it up or cum half the time). He tells me we need compromise on this issue but I tell him I have compromised enough. I'm very passionate about sex, I like sex, I like having sex, I want to have sex a lot. He, however, enjoys the month long breaks. When this happens, I can literally feel the heart palpitations coming on and I feel like crying because he's never romantic when I want him to be.Say what you will about 'men not doing that very often, to begin with', but I expect my man to cater to me ESPECIALLY since I cater to him all the fucking time. For every 20 blowjobs I give him, he goes down on me once. I let him do anal on me once in a blue moon when I'm drunk enough and I've dressed up and roleplayed for him MANY MANY times. What the fuck does he do? He thinks that doing most of the work otherwise should be enough to satisfy me. It's ridiculous, we are so out of sync, I feel like we're emotionally distant when we haven't had sex for a while. Interesting, huh? That a woman thinks that way? It's just aggravating! What's worse is that our work/school/sleep schedules are so different, we sleep in bed together two nights a week, and that's usually only for a couple of hours.I don't think we're necessarily doomed to break up, we've been through too much and we love each other to death, but this life we have. The one where we don't spend more than a few hours together because it's finally convenient to be with each other, constantly worrying about bills (that shit is going to follow us until death, I don't know why he just can't understand that), school, work, family, work, school, work, family, bills, WORK. Sometimes I can't help it. I need to cry. I know I have a boyfriend but sometimes, it feels like I don't. We're only a 23 year old couple with our friends getting married and having babies left and right. Is this really how it's supposed to be now?What am I supposed to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): OP you're like a lot of people too focused on the snake's head when it's the entire body that's the danger.
While sex may be your greatest frustration at the moment it's not the only one and it's only a symptom of the overall problem which basically boils down to one simple factor, you've both overloaded yourselves with work and school to the point where you have no time to work on your relationship and no matter how nice he is no matter how much you love him it will die unless you change that. More sex isn't going to fix that when you only get to wake up next each once or twice a week, when you have no outlet and are overworked, stressed etc. When's the last time you guys had a "date"? When's the last time you got to spend a weekend doing nothing at all just hanging out with each other?
OP what is the point of the way you're living? So things can be great in the future? Well how long will that take? How long are you forcing yourself to be unhappy, what's the end point to this hectic crazy life you're living?
Why at 23 do you have "bills that will follow you for life"? Seriously OP what is it about your life that living is so expensive at 23?
When I was your age I had zero financial worries and I had a live in girlfriend too. I worked a basic job for low pay but always had enough to pay the bills, eat and have fun, she worked too so we had it great. Plenty of time for each other, weekends free etc. My point is OP you're not frustrated with him, you've basically made your life shit right now, you need to consider why and for how long you expect it to be this way.
Now I understand college in the US is very expensive, maybe it's that. So when does that end?
OP you need to re-exam your life a bit and figure out whether it's one you can sustain. You talk about other people having babies, well shit OP you can't even take care of your own life at the moment nevermind throw a baby into the mix.
Maybe you're trying to maintain a lifestyle that is too luxurious, an expensive apartment or something, maybe you have a car when a bicycle would do.
You'll have some time off over xmas, if not then take some time off. You need a break from your life OP, you need to have a long think about what this is all for and you need to sit down and discuss how you can both make more time to keep the relationship alive. Because at the moment it's dying, you're unhappy, you're unfulfilled and without sex you're also missing out on one of the best stress killers around.
You need to make some changes, or at least have a time frame for when things are going to. You're going to burn out living this way, and honestly what's the point in living a life that makes you unhappy? It doesn't matter how much you earn or what the title of your job is if you're unhappy.
A
female
reader, kashieka +, writes (1 November 2013):
The first thing that caught my attention was your age. 23, that's very young. Don't be too much pressured about relationship and having a baby. Really, just enjoy life, and focus on your job and school first until you both have enough savings to support a family. When you have already reached your single life goals (such as reach a certain step in the areer ladder, or have a certain amount of money in the bank or maybe hike and try sky diving,, etc) then I guess it is really time for you to settle down and worry about getting married and all. Just enjoy your life and do not think about it so much, livr YOUNG, WILD, and FREE (and be responsible and have goals too)
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 My first thought was that he's scared of getting you pregnant. It makes sense that he's happy with oral and anal but holds back on mutually satisfying (vaginal) sex ... that could result in a baby.
Are you trying for a baby? Have you discussed/ are you on birth control? It sounds like the problems are deeper than just pregnancy fears (cunnilingus never got anyone pregnant, for example) but it might be a factor in why he's holding back.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 He's not the love of your life. There is no such thing any more than there are soul mates. There are compatible people and incompatible people. All the vodoo and "meant to be" notions are BS. Such as "love of my life". Sure you love him, and sure right now he's the only love in your life. Does that mean you can't ever love another man again? Of course it doesn't. Does loving him now mean you can't get over him? No. Does it mean you can't ever be happy with another man? No, doesn't mean that either.
Unless you fall dead to your feet the moment you break up, like in some fairy tale, then he's neither the love of your life or your soul mate. He's just a guy that you love, but who you are incompatible with.
He doesn't make you happy, you cry yourself to sleep, you get stomach ulcers (you think) if you don't let out steam because this actually IS a big problem. Shitty sex isn't a small issue. On the contrary, shitty sex is a very valid and common reason for people to break up. It's just as vital as wanting/not wanting children!
It'll break you down, long run, and it's already started. Later you'll feel unwanted, unattractive, not sexy. You'll start to get desperate, you will hate it if he looks at other women that way, you will hate it when he masturbates and leaves you alone in bed, you will hate it when he asks for a blowjob. You've already started counting how many you give him before he goes down on you, so you're already building up resentment. And resentment goes deep, and stays with you for years, only building up until you eventually have an affair to "get back at him" for all the years he left you untouched and alone.
Sorry if you think I'm being pessimistic, but you're being naive and want to believe a fairy tale. Men do not change. This is how he is, and if it already is a problem, imagine a LIFE TIME of this. It just gets worse for you. I don't know why you insist on calling this torture a "love of your life" and thus you seem to obligate yourself to staying. You're not married! If he felt you were the "love of his life" and couldn't live without you, why hasnt he proposed then? Is this feeling perhaps as one sided as the sexual interest in this relationship?
Leave him while you still love him, and don't wait until you resent him and hate him. It's much better to end things on good terms and while you're still young.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Just saw your followup. You do not sound as though you are prepared to accept a shitty sex life for the rest of your life, you sound very angry. You both sound exhausted and stressed, why on earth would you want pregnancy scares with all you have on your plates? Wow.
So sit down, talk about it and I would bring up both the porn issue, alcohol and I would let him know how much you feel rejected and miss the intimacy. If he's the love of your life, he'll want to work on it with you. If he doesn't, then maybe he'll be a fantastic friend but not your lover for life.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2013):
Another thought struck me. You say you have had a couple of pregnancy scares? Maybe he's done the math, figured out when you are least fertile and only engages in sex with you then, for that one week, and then, the tool goes back into the shed until it's safe to use again.
After 3.5 years, don't you think it's time you two should be able to discuss this in a calm and supportive manner? I'd tackle it now, as it clearly the situation isn't magically going to resolve itself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I thank everyone for their advice, it's much appreciated. I realize he and I may be sexually incompatible but I know he is the love of my life. I can't throw something like that away because of a somewhat shitty sex life.I also want to let WiseOwlE know that my boyfriend is not the only one under a lot of pressure here. I'm pulling three jobs and full-time school while he's got one full-time job and full-time school. He goes to bars occasionally to hang out with his friends without me (which I don't really have an issue with) and I haven't been to a bar in months. He's able to blow off some steam away from home and what not. Perhaps I complain too much about everything going on, but I do it so I don't end up with a stomach ulcer! I already miss my periods on the regular due to how stressed I am. But I still enjoy sex and I would appreciate it if my man felt the same.That is all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I expect a lot of mean accusations of porn and male-bashing when it comes to male sexuality; but some women just don't get it.Lets just get down to the reality of male sexuality. It doesn't take an expert to know that people form relationships and accept each other; overlooking many red-flags early on in the relationship. During the blissful honeymoon stage, sex is nearly every hour on the hour. You experiment, and do all kinds of crazy freaky stuff.Doing the nasty is your favorite pastime. Then comes the first real fight. Screaming, rage, door-slamming, the male and female-versions of the traditional hissyfits.People step-back, and start to realize the faults and flaws in their partners. The cloud of bliss is lifted, and thus comes the realization he/she ain't perfect! You visualize her or his head spinning and spewing pea soup! The red bulging eyes are hard to get out of your mind. Then it becomes a normal union between two people with established personalities.Many people started their relationships as early as high school, some met in college, and some many years down the road of life.You get along great, as you said in your post. You know a lot about each other, you know each others quirks, and you know how to push each other buttons. Usually in the wrong way, but that's just how it is. Men do get used to the same body and feeling; and it doesn't create the same excitement over time. Bodies do change. He gains more poundage. He doesn't workout like he used to, he doesn't keep up the protein-rich vitamin-packeddiet he was on when you first met. He gets a great home-cooked meal after work, he sits around after a very hard day, and he gets lazy. He just wants to sleep or veg- out. His level of sex drive is going to be reduced as well. Bedtime is just a time to get-on, get-off, and rollover to sleep. All so typical. The routine that will hit every long-term relationship at some point.Thus wife-swapping, swingers, and all that crap that people do when they're bored to death. I neither judge; nor advocate for these lifestyles. To each his/her own.There are guys who are very health-conscious. He plays handball, basketball, swims, runs, or jogs; and he might even run marathons. He's the athletic-type, zero-body fat and will not touch sugar; or anything that will slow him down. He also gets used to having sex with the same body. Tasting the same flavor of ice cream gets pretty predictable. He puts a lot of work into staying fit, and to see a taught curvy body equal to the chisel in his swizzle; keeps his sex-drive sky-high. Not so many women like to hit the gym; unless their profession demands it. Male ego is difficult to explain. It is what it is. In all his magnificence; he'll even leave his lover wondering why he doesn't want it like he used to? He's healthy as a horse. Well, he's also a guy.Inherently, males want a multiple-choice of partners. Something new brings unpredictability and exciting unexpected surprises. A partner with a different look, feeling, personality, smell, and taste.Men have the huge responsibility of "getting it up." That can't be faked. Nor can the male orgasm. So when he gets used to that same face, body, and voice; it's still attractive and will get him aroused; just not as intense or often as maybe it once did. So, he'll leave it alone for a while to allow the novelty to comeback. He misses it. It's like he never had it before, and once again, everybody's happy.More terrible reality ladies. Hold on to your seats. You might be sexually incompatible!!! Male testosterone starts to drop as we age. Some guys never lose their drive. Some do. Some earlier than others. He's married by 30, hits his prime by 35, and it's downhill from 40. Women peak sexually at 35!!! WTF!!?So even if you're a 20 year-old stick of dynamite; most of his fun is in his head. He pleasures himself; because it doesn't require worrying about anyone else. He can lose his erection and nobody complains. Peace and quiet, accept for the moaning on the screen. Selfish, huh? So she wants to have fun like they used to, he seems disinterested; or loses his erection several times during sexual intercourse. Is it another woman, is he gay, is he cheating? Not necessarily. He knows exactly what it's going to feel like, and there's no surprise-ending. Now she wants it, he did to; for the first 3 to 5 minutes. Now it's no longer sex, it's work. Then there is the guy who wants to experiment and do wild and crazy stuff. His imagination is filled with things that will send his wife ,or girlfriend, running screaming with their arms above their heads. That, or dialing 911. He has to have traditional missionary sex with the woman he loves; who wears sweatpants or a flannel nightgown to bed. Do you really wonder why he's seems disinterested?Then there's the guy who hasn't gained a pound since high school, well into his forties. His wife has had three kids and has put on a minimum of 20 pounds since her wedding day.There are folds and creases where there used to be curves.Stretchmarks and tiny ripples where there once was tight-smooth skin. Those perky boobs that had nipples that looked you right in the eyes, now check out those $200.00 designer boots on her feet. He misses that girl. He can only see her with his eyes closed. He is stuck in the past. He hasn't changed his hairstyle since his prom. She wonders, what is he thinking about when we have sex? He keeps his eyes closed the whole time. He's thinking of you. That cutie who stole his heart. She has a different body, but her heart got a lot bigger; and her body had to grow to keep up with it. He can't always perform like a rock star; but his heart is there for you.People fall out of sync sexually due to health and age.When there is a lot of fighting in the relationship, intimacy will be affected by the tension and distrust.Money matters are always in the back of his head. He may not verbalize the things that trouble him; so he keeps them hidden inside. It will lower his drive, and he seems a lot less aroused. His boss makes him feel less than adequate. He comes home, the only greeting he gets is a cold stare, or a stack of bills on the hall table. He's a guy, he's not supposed to whine, he holds it all in. The kids want everything with a three-digit price-tag, and never say thank you when they get it. It wasn't exactly the one the other kids have.Nothing does it like a good wank with a happy ending. All the tension and frustrations go away for a great 15 minutes.Walk a mile in our shoes. Controlling your emotions, competing with guys half your age, watching the economy go to hell, and taxes skyrocketing. Then your partner is complaining why you can't keep it up. Seriously!???
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 "Sounds" to me like your man has read - and become expert - from the "guy" book titled: "How to be a total flop in bed.... but give JUST ENOUGH to her (your squeeze) to keep her, not only interested, but also, so damned frustrated that she'll give you multiple blow jobs in exchange for a piddlin' of s*x"....
IN that reference book, there is also a chapter titled: "If you do cunnilingus for her just ONCE, I assure you that she'll do ANYTHING to get you to do more"
Good luck... (you're going to need it).....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 October 2013):
The other aunts have pointed to a possible porn addiction, which I would think is likely the cause of lack of interest in sex with a live, willing, eager woman. If he's healthy and has no physical causes for his "low sex drive" then take a look at this website to educate yourself on the problem: http://yourbrainonporn.com
You clearly are angry about this so take a big step back, stop the on-demand BJs and skip the drunken anal.
Go through that link, page by page, so that when you talk to him about this, you are ready and educated, okay?
It simply may be that this man is not THE ONE for you, and this frustration you are feeling is the clue-phone ringing off its hook. Pick it up and answer it.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Leaving out SSRI or blood pressure meds, the most common cause of this kind of sex issue in healthy young men is porn addiction. Does he use it?
I also strongly agree with this whole "stop giving" thing. It's not working and it's making you resent him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 October 2013):
Your friends are having babies early, but I get what you mean with "babies left and right". I'm older than you, but some of my friends are starting to have families, not all, but some, and some younger than me. So I know how that pressure is! Especially if you have a mother who is simply dying to become a grandmother...
But the real problem here is the sexual chemistry between you. If you got pregnant and with child I will guess the sex would decline even FURTHER! Because that would give your guy and excuse to NOT come close to you. And you hear all these stories about how women after giving birth don't want to have sex etc, I think your guy will use this as an excuse for HIM not to want to have sex.
Look, you do all the things for him in bed, but as he doesn't care much for sex at all it is a complete waste. No wonder he doesn't go down on you much, because he in general doesn't like having sex...! It's got nothing to do with how many blowjobs he's gotten from you, more probably he feels that he is compromising and giving YOU something when he "lets you" give him a blowjob. So do you see how you can't expect anything in return when it comes to sexual favours? He already thinks he's giving you enough in return. If it was up to him, there'd probably be no sex at all.
I understand that you love him, but he's not giving you what you need in this relationship. He can be great and all, but he's not compatible with you. I have been in a relationship like yours, where the man rarely wanted sex. Where I felt I did all the work, put on the show, did the extras, whereas he just laid there like a sack of potatoes. For every blowjob I ever gave him I got very few licks back, and when he did go down on me he complained about it constantly (sore neck, tired in his tongue, bad position for him yadda yadda). How is a woman supposed to enjoy that experience?
I loved him, and he was so great when he was great, but he was a jerk too. The sex wasn't the main reason we broke up, but in retrospect I should have ended it much sooner AND I should have ended it on the grounds of sexual incompatibility. Instead I wasted my time on lousy sex or no sex at all, and things never got better.
Things will not get better for you either. Life isn't about getting that Husband with capital H that you can show off to friends and brag about. That's not what is going to make you happy. But multiple orgasms will probably make you very, very happy...
Look, he's not asked you to marry him. You aren't engaged. A future with him will drive you to cheating, eventually, because you know he's not giving you what you need. So why go there? Why torture yourself for years? Why put yourself at risk of cheating? Why not end this relationship? Having been together for this or that long is no reason to CONTINUE being together, that's just an excuse because he's become a habit. It's like saying you can't get a new haircut because you've kept your hair the same for 3+ years, and even though you hate your hair cut, it's been with you for so long you can't get rid of it.
I promise you, as soon as you get a new haircut you will be happy you did it and wondering why you didn't do it sooner.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 It sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself that you are happy and this man is the love of your life, but what if it isn't?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Alright, there are a few warning signs I see here. You said that this was a long-term relationship, as in 3.5 years? I'm guessing this low of a sex drive isn't how it started, right? When you first started out, it was a lot higher and more consistent, I'm guessing. I'm also betting that his Erectile Dysfunction wasn't always present either, eh?
This points to a few possibilities. Unless he's in poor health or taking opiates or a heavy drinker or anti-depressants or high blood pressure medication, I'm thinking that he's healthy. He's very young, so age isn't weakening the sex organ either.
So I'm thinking it's a brain-wiring thing. Guys who are porn addicts often deal with this sort of thing. He has no problem masturbating to porn very often, but intercourse hardly stimulates him, he goes limp or it "gets stuck" before he can have an orgasm. He also can't be bothered with making an effort in your case, but I'm guessing he has marginally better success when you give him BJ's as to when you have sex? Is it often that you're the one on top doing the work? Also, you've let him do anal, which I'm guessing you were hoping would stimulate him more? You do realize that this is a big porn theme, and that if he's sucking down porn like a heroin addict, he might have been trying to simulate the "high" so that he could respond to you?
He needs to be honest with you here. It would be a matter of compatibility if his sex drive really were lower, but the telltales are that he wants you to simulate porn sex as opposed to real emotional connecting (anal, roleplaying, lots of BJ's), and he is extremely selfish by letting you service him in a desperate attempt to have sexual satisfaction yourself.
The selfishness here has no bounds. He'd rather rub one off in the shower or to porn than really put in an effort for you. And since he's using the overstimulated porn, his brain re-wired to not respond to normal sex so that he can't orgasm much or even keep it up without the visual images. I'm wondering if he's even needing more extreme images to stimulate him (i.e. gangbanging, gay sex, multiple men on one woman, fetishism, etc), because like the drug addict, the porn addict needs more and more.
It would confirm my theory if you have in the past 3.5 years seen any evidence of this. If you have, or if he admits this, then there is hope. the site yourbrainonporn.com is an amazing place to see the effects of porn addiction and the miraculous change guys go through in getting their sex life back and their stamina and self-confidence when they take steps to re-wire and re-boot their sexual stimulation pathways.
Here's the thing - if he's not using porn, then it could be something more dangerous to your relationship. He either could be cheating on you, or his libido could indeed be so low as to never ever be compatible with you, and that spells done for your relationship.
Cheating or escorts or strip bars or drugs would explain his money issues and his lack of libido and his ED around you. Internet porn would REALLY explain all of that plus his selfishness when you two do get together.
I definitely second the "stop giving" mantra and even up the effort department. I also would recommend a heart to heart talk about porn addiction, because if that isn't it, and it's not because of medication or a medical condition, then you are not going to make it, and you're young enough to find someone much more compatible, because if you keep going as you're going, it's only going to get 1000x worse, and you will have your confidence torn into nothing and will get old before your time, frustrated, and in despair.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Hey doll I see ur frustrations hes simply not reciprocating. Ive dealt similar with women as I too have a high sex drive. My solution: Stop giving. I can satisy myself but him obviously enjoying bjs from u n u taking them away might spark his interest more. In addition he may get pleasure from elsewhere I e porn which is unhealthy. You sound very adventurous and sexy. I think hes missing out.
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