A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years (best friend of 5 years) has a BIG problem that I don't know if I should bother dealing with any longer, so I need your advice. We're both 21. I love him to death. But he just cannot handle problems he comes across, no matter how small, in an adult manner. He just can't deal with the inevitable stresses of life. And it's starting to get to me and affect me.An example is today when I was talking to him on the phone. He lives 6 hours away because he is going to college, so he will often call me when he has free time. He has an ID with which he buys everything on campus he needs(mainly food)with a discount. As we were talking we were making pleasant conversation. Everything was 100% fine and he was in an excellent mood until he got to the store and noticed he didn't have his ID with him. Then all HELL broke loose. He began endlessly complaining and his mood quickly turned sour. He began getting sarcastic and had an attitude with me even though I had done nothing to him. I felt it was such a petty thing to fuss so much over, but I did not tell him this. I just remained quiet because having experience dealing with his mood swings when things don't go his way, I've learned that remaining silent and letting it pass is the best way to stay out of the line of fire. He hung up on me because he was so angry. I didn't bother calling him back and never do anymore in these situations. He will eventually call me when he feels better. I feel like times like this, when it's really not that big of a deal, he throws tantrums and can't handle the simple problems in life. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath, realize not everything goes as planned or runs smoothly, and go with it. Have a little patience and be flexible, ya know? Well, I don't think my boyfriend quite understands this yet. Or at least he cannot control his emotions. He does this so often, and when I am visiting him or he is visiting me it's even worse and more often that these sudden mood swings over petty things will occur, often ruining many hours that we should be having fun and being happy together since we only see each other about two weekends a month. It is SO stressful to deal with constantly. I'm getting to the point where I don't know if it's worth dealing with. Every time it happens it affects my mood too. I don't throw a fit like he does, but it brings me down when my bf decides to yell, hang up on me and punish me for something that happened to him. Today when he did that, I had just gotten off work and I was tired as hell, so that is not something I want to deal with at that time. But he never thinks of how his childish behavior affects ME. I have school, work and chores to do and I have many problems in life that I run into as well, but I don't EVER bring him down with me. I love him SO much, more than I've loved anyone or anything ever, but I don't know if it's right to constantly allow myself to just deal with the way he treats me when he's in these angry moods. It's not fair because I'm good to him and it wasn't MY fault that he lost his ID. I know that no one is perfect, but this is just ridiculous. He's 21 years old.What should I do? Deal with it? Approach him about this problem? Everyone's advice is appreciated. Thanks! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2011):
 My boyfriend is 38 and still had total breakdowns when stressed. It's how some folks cope.
Your BF is probably NOT going to change how he copes with stress.... he needs to learn coping mechanisims
You need to learn to say "you're over reacting... I'm getting off the phone (or going out of the house or wherever you are when you are with him)... when you are calm, contact me and we can resume our conversation"
this will serve two purposes
1. gets you out of the line of fire (he will feel safer blowing up at YOU than at a stranger)
2. gives him NEGATIVE feedback to his behavior so perhaps he will learn if he wants your support he needs to behave better.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 October 2011):
 "I don't throw a fit like he does, but it brings me down when my bf decides to yell, hang up on me and punish me for something that happened to him."
Do you know what this is called? Abusive behaviour. He is punishing you when he feels like "life goes against him". You become his punching bag. And I worry that if you keep your stance like this he'll eventually tear you down until a point where you lose your sense of self worth.
You wrote that when he gets like this you just go quiet, as that is the best way to not get fire in your direction. But you ARE getting fire in your direction, and all you do now is damage control. He hangs up on you, even if you've just been quiet and "taking it" from him, while you do not deserve this form of treatment. You are turning into a submissive partner of this relationship.
"He does this so often, and when I am visiting him or he is visiting me it's even worse and more often that these sudden mood swings over petty things will occur"
Your relationship barely moves on as it is because you are long distance, and you get to stay out of his radar for larger times. If you meet up in person and you are always around him, you are putting yourself into his range of fire, which is why fights will happen more often when you are around. Not because they happen more often, but because you will now see all the times he actually does this. While long distance you only see some of the times this happens.
He needs to go to therapy to learn to control his anger. But I do not think he will do this, and I doubt he will take you seriously if you try to tell him. You could try, but I wouldn't count on him listening. It's hard, but you aren't happy like this, are you? He is bringing you down and using you like his outlet for frustration, in what world is that a good relationship? How can you imagine going on for more years like this, maybe even live with him and share a life together? You know how bad it is when you actually are together, and not just long distance. This is something that will not go away by itself, not something he will grow out of. At best he stays like he is, at worst, and likely too, he'll get worse. Unless he gets treatment for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2011): so you've NEVER once talked to him about this???
first off, he's being emotionally abusive to you. He;s using you as an emotional punching bag. yeah he doesn't intend to hurt you but the effect on you is there. you're walking on eggshells, and you have to suffer when you did nothing wrong just because he is emotionally unstable, has a hair trigger response and flies off the handle and has to take it out on someone who is you.
who does he think he is that he can treat you this way? would he treat his boss this way? probably not. are you not worth his effort to control himself?
he has a serious problem, and it's not just his personal problem it's a relationship problem too. you have to talk to him about this. whether he FEELS upset about something is his own business. But it's unacceptable for him to behave the way he does towards you when he's upset.
you should stop taking this treatment. You've been keeping quiet and let him go off at you because you find that just riding out the storm is the fastest way to get back to normal. But what is this doing long term? It's showing him that it's OK for him to treat you like this when he gets in his moods, there's no consequences to him. you need to be the one to end the interaction once he starts getting into his moods. you need to show him that it's unacceptable for him to treat his partner this way.
he's dysfunctional, and yes he needs counseling. He needs to get help to learn self control and to change his patterns of thinking. Maybe he even needs medication too. And you need to show him that you're not going to take his dysfunctional and abnormal behavior anymore.
...............................
|
