A
male
age
51-59,
*neMob
writes:I met the most amazing woman online. we talked for hours every day via msn , and the more we found out about each other , the more we discovered we had something really special. we shared everything , even that she had been single for 5 years once after having cervical cancer, We could talk about anything , into the small hours of the morning.As the weeks went on , our chats grew more passionate and it was clear that when we met , it would be very difficult , practically impossible to play it safe as we wanted each other. It was so totally mutual , but she told me that if we had full sex , she would probably crywe arranged to meet , and i flew to be with her , so excited.She picked me up at the airport , and took me back to hers after showing me her school , where she was born etc....on the way.We were both naturally a bit nervous , so we had a drink , then another , then another , and somewhere in the course of the night ended up in bed , managing to abstain from full sex , but did everything else , which was sensual and so incredible.She praised me and said " oh you're good ! " , so at this stage there were no problems whatsoever.I stayed with her for 5 days , and we had a great time , visiting different places , and we got very amorous , and even though i was so turned on , i couldnt achieve an erection , even though i think she's my perfect match , and when she tried to arouse me , it ended with her saying she was useless.I couldnt understand it. I had alcohol , but it was like raising the dead. I've had problems in the past , but with a special woman , who i thought / think is the one , its the last thing i expected or wanted.On the night before i was due to leave , she got real stroppy and didnt want us to do any naughty stuff , and was going on about her new job and how it was so stressful , and since i'd met her i realised she was about to undertake a remortgage , was having central heating installed , was talking about getting a new car , and her new job was harder and busier than she thought.so the next morning , she left me at the airport , and she sent me a message saying " this beds too big and too cold without you " so everything was ok.2 days after i got back , i received a text saying she didnt want to hurt my feelings , but she wasnt sure if we could go any further.I was absolutely gutted , and texted back straightaway asking why. She said she thought we were sexually incompatible ( even though she said she had practically no sex drive ) , and that because i have a daughter ( which we'd talked about and i told her i was convinced she wasnt mine and would prove it with a dna test ) she didnt want to take on any more stress.For the next week , i tried to tell her that my problem was a blip and that i'd sort it all out , and that we were too special to just throw away without working everything out. She said we both rushed in too fast , and that she missed me , and we should give it time.so , a week after i left , she went to spain , with an old ex-boyfriend who was a heroin addict who is now on methodone. She is a drugs rehabilitation officer and met him through work , and she admitted to me that she has done some drugs herself , but she assured me , there was nothing sexual in it and that he was a friend. She told me he was just a lovely fella but there was nothing in it anymore. ( she had originally asked me to go but i couldnt cos i have no passport )So....while she was on holiday i texted her about 20 texts over the space of about 4 days cos i couldnt get her out of my mind and was so frustrated that i was powerless to do anything. I trusted her , but the fact she was so far away made it more frustrating than ever.she sent me a message that said " i thought you were gonna back off + all youve done is text me. pls stop as its OTT ".I was so unbelievably sad. This woman had told me she loved me only a week earlier , and we even talked about what we'd call our kids. It seemed so right , and now she had completely frozen me out.A few days later , she phoned me at 3:30 am , walking round spain on her own , drunk , saying she had pranged her car , got a ticket , the weather was rubbish , and her and her ex had almost been mugged ( they fought them off )She was saying " im sorry " in a really sincere way and i said " its ok....i love you " and she said " dont "shes now back from holiday , back to normality and being busy with a moutain of emails at work , and she works some nights at a different job too , but most of the time when i send a text i dont get an answer , and im afraid to in case i scare her off . i feel like im walking on eggshells now.I texted yesterday and said i wanted to call her and just hear about her holiday , just hear her voice , and she texted " you can call me now " while she was having a smoke break. Apart from that , i havent heard anything.........she's not even on msn anymore , and we used to talk on there evry night.I'm trying to give her time , but i dont want her to think im disinterested because i dont text her , but when i do , i feel like im doing the wrong thing.I so badly want to put it right , because what we had at the start was magical. I felt like i'd finally found the woman i was to spend the rest of my life with , and she was agreeing with me , but now its all went horribly wrong and i dont know why.Please help , or i could lose the love of my life.Why has she changed?How can i respond ?What is she doing or thinking about now ?
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at work, drugs, drunk, erection, her ex, msn, on holiday, sex drive, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): She's been taking care other people for so long, she's neglected her own wellbeing.Like the other post, she's in need of professional help.. more than you're qualified (although your support/love make a big difference)I'll say a prayer for her today...and you too
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): The best advice I can give you, if you really want to help her; get her to seek professional help;she needs to see her doctor; sounds as if she is suffering with some kind of depression; don't know how you are going to convince her, but try.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (20 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThrough my persistance , we've actually been talking on the phone , and ive gathered that she is " bored with everything " and she's just feeling like a " non-person " ( her words ) .
I've told her i love her and she said " no you dont " and i said i do , to which she replied " how can you ? im a mess "
I'm worried about her.
Her mum isnt well either , just to compound things even more.
I want to see her get better first , then work at working out the relationship afterwards , but i dont really know how to reach her right now apart from telling her im exactly where i was , when she decides she needs me.
Any suggestions anyone ?
she's trapped in her room.....her comfort zone , or her " womb " as she calls it , and she's becoming very listless , bored , and possibly reclusive and i need to reach her and help her think positive without it sounding pushy or contrived.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Good for you OneMob...and if I was her, I would consider finding a new job. A body can only take so much, and then it starts to shut down...in her case anxiety. A fresh start in a new (less stressful) job may be just the medicine she needs. Take Care!
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (17 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah , that " lost puppy " syndrome thing sounds absolutely spot on.
I was talking to her this morning and she's been on anti-anxiety tablets since before i met her , but when i spoke to her this morning i asked how she is , and she said " sh*t " . when i asked her why , she said " the anxiety's back ". when i asked her what she was anxious about , she said her job was really tough cos she's monitored all the time.....like ALL the time. She's practically tagged when she goes out so they know where she is at any given time of day , and its really getting her down.
I told her i'm just at the other end of the phone , and even if its only to say " I've had a crap day " , that i'd be there for her , even if only to listen as she unloads.
I texted that i'd move mountains out of her way with my bare hands if i had to , and she texted back " thanks. I really dont deserve your support "
I think showing her that im not going away is a good course of action. I find it difficult being passive and get impatient when i cant move something along , but i think i need to show her im in for the duration , and not just till the novelty wears off.
I recommended that she start getting some exercise , to beat the stress and anxiety , although i know she wont consider that until her body says it needs change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): It sounds like she has 'lost puppy' syndrome. Her job is about 'saving' people from addictions...and naturally she gets her feelings involved. That can be very draining, so when she's home she can go into her own fantasy world to relieve the stresses away.She's tried 'saving' her ex and look how that turned out?She's confused about a sharing a real love relationship vs. loving someone to 'save'She's always been the strong one, and she may have fears to be vulnerable in a real relationship.I wouldn't give up on her just yet...if you continue to be supportive and loving, there may be a break through and she will begin to trust, need, and want you in her life.
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (17 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell , moving near her isnt an option for now , because , referring back to my initial post.....the guy on methodone that she went on holiday with , her ex , was living with her for 3 years. He was lazy , did nothing , and she needed her own space a lot , and told him to keep his flat the whole time he was with her.
She loves her space , and any talk of getting close to her as in moving , would freak her out.
She's a beautiful girl in nature , but space , and commitment are difficult for her , even though she knows its what she really wants.
She was married before too , and her and her husband were ships passing in the night and they got divorced eventually.
She enjoys her little world and loves coming home at night and just jumping into bed with her laptop and cable tv , so i think she's struggling to think about accomodating someone into this , even though she knows i am sincere in my intentions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): From what I know, most long distance relationships don't work. Simply because you're not with each other physically and experience the day to day normal-ness of life...your relationship seems part fantasy/part reality. If you really believe she's The One, then you'll have to consider moving near her, but that's a big risk. Of course, she must agree this is o.k., and you should tell her this is your decision so she won't feel guilty if love doesn't transpire.
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (17 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know by the sound of her actions that she may sound callous and unfeeling , but its not like that. She's warm and sincere , and i genuinely think she needs the time because her life is so busy with work etc....I dont think its a case of love being blind.She had cervical cancer and wasnt in a relationship for 5 years.Also , in may , she met one of her first ex-boyfriends on friends reunited , and they met up , and he couldnt get it up either , so i think she's down on herself because she feels she is to blame.Its a complex situation and it cant be explained away by just saying " she's a bitch and she's having fun with you "She's not like that.
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (17 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to compound the situation , this girl has no kids , and wants them as her biological clock is ticking.
I would marry her , give her kids and stand by her for life. She said that was what she wanted.
If we rushed in to this , what is she thinking ? will she think for a bit , and then give it a chance , or is she asking for time because she hopes i'll eventually fade out naturally ?
I feel like i'd won the lottery but lost my ticket. Such a feeling of having the rug pulled from beneath my feet , and tremendous disappointment.
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A
female
reader, BuzzOffSweetheart  +, writes (17 October 2008):
She's not interested in you, love.
Coming from another female - Please listen when I say this broad is bad news.
Don't make her a priority when all she makes you is an option.
I know you may think that she's the perfect one - But that fact is - If she was, she wouldn't be acting the way she is.
But if you really want to know how to keep her, and you're okay with the fact that this relationship isn't going to ever be right... Then I'll give you my advice:
Be a challenge again.
Don't call her.
Don't text her.
Respond to her texts slowly..
Call her back hours later, or maybe even the next day..
Just say you were out and busy.. but be casual about it.. Don't make it seem like you're trying to play hard to get.
Go out. Have fun. Fit her in when you can.. She'll be back to eating out of your hand in no time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): I feel really bad for you sweetie, I know it feels horrible. She was crazy for you, now she avoids you. I'm going through a similar situation, slightly different [im a girl;gay] and I was absolutely CRAZY over this female, and she liked me back, well as we hung out and talked more, she assured me she wanted us to go far, she told me that about 3 weeks ago, but guess what? She's dating someone else now.
How did I get over it? I told myself if someone is dog enough to hurt me like this KNOWING I really care about them, then they arent worth me loving anyways.
Theres so many women out there who would really love you, yo sound loving and caring, and all girls love that, so get out there find you someone, do break yourself down on someone who isnt doing the same.
Obviously if she's gettitng drunk & having a good time with everyone, she isnt as worried about it as you are.
I hope this helped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Well you could respond by staying away,she is trying to screw your head up, and some peolpe get a huge kick out of it. It makes her feel better and she is prob narked because you couldnt get it up at her command. love of your life maybe..heard of the (ring of fire)song? could be fun but have you got the balls for a rollercoaster ride? your life! buddy how do you want to live it? There is nothing to actually put right.
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (16 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsince this.... I've told her I'm gonna be like a man possessed to get in shape again and that I've taken up badminton again and bought a mountain bike with the aim of getting superfit.I've also bought red korean ginseng and herbal Y for men.I told her I'd sort out every obstacle that she said was standing in our way and said "don't give me an answer now, just think it over."I've heard nothing about the situation and I'm hoping that "no news is good news" and wait, giving her time, in the hope that she will remember how brilliantly we got on and that other obstacles can be ironed out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you; you are suffering emotional turmoil and it hurts; it is very difficult to understand or explain the behavior of a partner at times; I cannot justify or explain her behavior, but I suggest you send her an email; explain to her how you feel and put your cards on the table; then, wait to hear from her; stop sending her text messages; wait to hear from her; if you don't hear from her; well, I am afraid, no matter how difficult; you will have to accept that it is over;
I am afraid that from what you have posted it does not sound very encouraging and I don't think you must built your hopes up; however, give it one last try;
If she does contact you I suggest arrange a convenient time to talk; try and discuss the issues that are of concern to both of you and hopefully for you there is some solutions to the problems; BUT I do urge you; don't hang around waiting forever; I suggest you consider that this might be the end and prepare yourself to MOVE ON;
Yes, I know, it might be difficult, but, you need to FOCUS on yourself, your happiness and your FUTURE;
I hope this can be of assistance; keep us posted.
Good luck; best wishes and try to keep SMILING.
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A
male
reader, OneMob +, writes (16 October 2008):
OneMob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to compound the situation , this girl has no kids , and wants them as her biological clock is ticking.I would marry her , give her kids and stand by her for life. She said that was what she wanted.If we rushed in to this , what is she thinking ? will she think for a bit , and then give it a chance , or is she asking for time because she hopes i'll eventually fade out naturally ?I feel like i'd won the lottery but lost my ticket. Such a feeling of having the rug pulled from beneath my feet , and tremendous disappointment.
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