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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,
My name is Chris and i've been going out with my girlfriend for about 5 months or so, i think she is the one, in fact i know she is the one but i am a very jealous over-protective person. Since we've been going out i havent hung out with a single friend and it doesnt seem to bother me but it bothers her... The thing is i dont like her friends, they always convinced her to smoke and to try drugs and drink and "hook-up" with guys and they are terrible people that i dont want her with or around. We've been arguying for days now about this and i dont want to brake-up with her but it she doesn't go my way i might have to. Honestly i just dont know what to do, PLEASE HELP ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!
Sincerely,
Chris
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male
reader, jpete12  +, writes (1 January 2011):
I have a similiar problem, yet different at the same time.
I've been together with my fiancee for 6 months due tomorrow, and we know that we love one another very much, and are completely faithful. But...there is a lot of problems that both of us need to work on.
I'm controlling. I know she has her own life, and I know that...and wouldnt have a problem with it, if it wasnt for her friends.
Her friends (two in particuliar), are so caught up into drugs, even thought of moving to florida to do a drug trade. I'm younge, she's young, her friends are young. I get the whole youth stage, but her and i are already pass that...but once again her friends are not. Its hard seeing her walk out the the door with em, knowing what she's going to be surrounded by, and because I care I make a big deal out of it, but I do try to discuss the situation, but I'm made out to be the jerk in the end...perhaps I am. I even tried talking to her friends, but they're stuck in their own ways. It makes my fiancee depressed when she see's all this shit going on with her friends, and she's exhausted from trying to help them...I just wish she would leave em be, cause they wont change for anybody, which just continues to put my gf in the dumps...and it makes me depressed as well. So, am I wrong to feel this way?
The other problem is that there is no balance. Its always her way, and I'm lucky if I even get a say. I do everything for her, but when I want to do something for a change she freaks out...hence I'm a jerk. Yea, I hang with my friends, and we go our separate ways for a while, but its like when I make a plan to go on a date with her to town or watch a movie in the lving room as I make a nice dinner....she ditches me for something else, not neccasarily friends. It hurts. I made a very good dinner and rented a movie one night, and I anticipated her to come home cuz she knew i was doing something special...but then she texts me saying she can't she wants to stay at her moms for a bit more. Just really hurts, seems like nothing i do is ever good enough, and i come up short.
I do have a jealiousy problem, kinda goes hand n hand with the controlling. Some of the guys that hang with her friends are well...pricks. Also caught up in drugs. I trust her, I just don't trust them. I know them, they're scum...and will do anything to get in a girl's pants, esp. knowing how beuatiful my gf is. idk, it just tears me up inside.
Thank you to whom ever for advice, I've done my bitching for the day.
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male
reader, outthebox +, writes (29 September 2009):
Been there before. Let her know what you expect of her, but don't bring her friends into it. You can't tell her not to be friends with them. You have to trust her not to trample on your expectations. Don't be suspicious or controlling.Just enjoy being with her. You have to trust her unless she gives you a reason not to. If she breaks your trust then she's not "the one" anyways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): haha ive had the same problem as u just one that is not as bad. my girlfreind goes to her bf's house and smokes and shit and i thought she was talking to other boys too but i came to find out that i was being over protective and i ended up being wrong and making a total ass of myself. If you love her though let her hang out with her freinds, cause one important thing to remember is NEVER try to get in between a girl and her girlfreind cause itll be soo much drama you will want to go crazy! the best advice i can give is start chilling with your freinds again, make her be the one to come to you, you can even turn the tables a little and be like "o i had so much fun the other night me and the bros went out and got hammard" make her the uncomfortable one! and are u shure shes hooking up, cause acusations can go bad to remember trust is the main and most important thing in a relationship! oo and another thing is some girls hate to feel tied down or smothered let her do her thing. another option you can take into consideration though is to tell her how much you love her and that when she smokes and stuff its hurting you more then she knows! well i hope i helped you out a little bit dude, i hope everything works out for you!
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male
reader, pimasp  +, writes (31 May 2008):
Hey guys I came on this site through google. I guess I'm in a real bad spot right now...heres my so called problem.
I am dating my girlfriend for two years now. Her husband passed away three years ago due to the war in Iraq, He leftd A behind his three year old daughter, who I now consider my daughter. I naturally fell in love with her due to her personality an the way she was, Something instantly brought me to her. However this girl smokes (Heavily) an has real poor friends, They love to have (Unprotected sex) with Multipale Marine/Navy men an enjoy being whores with no respect, but yet her best friend Angela, Has a two year old daughter.
Barely has a job, but this friend has been there through my girlfriends death, an through hard times. In my heart? I know her friends fake but my girlfriend can't see past that, the girl smokes like a chain. Cusses like a sailor. an fucks like a rabbit......without protection with random guys off my space an face book..
I find it DISTURBING, However when I tell her how I feel? She always argues with me an tells me to stop being mean to her friends, an I can tell she gets so upset to the fact she to cry literally - The only thing they do is Go out to the bars get drunk, smoke an fuck (my girlfriend only smokes cigs an drinks but she quit lately, Until her friend got back into town today, I explained how I feel about her an she knows I hate her w/a passion but will respect it due to the fact its her " best friend " - Tonight her and five of her girlfriends with to Hustlers ( Sex store) to buy dildos an toys...which I AM AGAINST.................She fought her friends an hour saying "No!" but gave in......6 hours later she comes in the door, to get drunk there in the living room getting drunk an smoking pot )her friends) I do not like that shit around her daughter an dont feel like I'm being a prick, I love the girl I love my "daughter but honestly" its stressing me out, her friend shows her boobs while being drunk, flirts innocently but sexually towards my girlfriend grabs her ass, an I do not like it one bit. But if I come off as the bad guy. we all know what happens!
I'm just curious if anybody knows any good advice.......I love the girl but I can't stand her friends an I explained myself nicely, I just can't stand people who have kids an rather drink an smoke cigs, an cuss an fuck random guys an bring that shit around there kids............Dunno but guess I'm really lost right now an thought since my friends are the "tough" guys............I could come on line an post away......thanks a lot for any kind input
I am twenty five bye the way shes twenty six
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I have been having similar problems myself, my girlfriend use to smoke and all her friends still do. She quit for me and is happy with me. I hate her friends because they smoke everyday as well as other reasons. The worst part is they’re not even good friends to her and they talk badly of me whenever they get a chance. The icing on the cake is she lives with her best friend whom I loath. I refuse to come over to her place because I hate her roommate and I refuse to be nice to phony people. The real problem is she gets upset with me when she doesn’t spend enough time with her friends. I do not mind her hanging out with her friends which I have expressed but I object when she spends more time with them then me. Also I don’t appreciate that the only thing they do when my girlfriend and her friends spend time together is get drunk. She very upset over the fact she feels her friends and her boyfriend are making her choose. I do not know what to do, I am very frustrated and I hate feeling like puts me second in her life when I constantly make her feel as if she is my number one. Any advice would help by the way I have a very healthy life, I have friends and spend time with them but majority of the time is with my girlfriend.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): i was going through same thing with my gf....after been with her 2months i found out she smoked alot(at school and when i wasnt around) and drank and that all her mates were known as slags. But...she quit smoking and drinking for me and i no she has as alot of people who know her are now mates with me. We have been together almost 7months now but its going wrong again. Im not sure wether or not to finish her. but at end of day i think you need to do whats best for you. if you feel constantly stressed and unhappy and shes refusing to change i think dumping her is for the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007):
I just split with my girlfriend cos the main priority in her life is to go out and party with her friends at the weekend. The thought of her being out all weekend in clubs, bars, parties completely smashed knowing that there are loads of other blokes out there learing over her is not a nice feeling. Thats what she wants to do.. simple.. let her go. Retain some dignity.. there will other girls for you. There are other things to life than partying.. we all need to do it to some extent, but when its the single main priority it seems a bit sad. I enjoy work, meeting friends for dinner, cycling, going to art galleries.. we have different desires. She still lives at home with her mum and dad, struggles with work and has little interest outside partying. Be strong mate and move on.
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male
reader, alpineclimbingrules +, writes (30 May 2007):
Man... I've been in that situation for the past 2 years with my gf.
It is a very difficult situation, to tell you the truth.
I hate her friends so much, because my gf neglects me sometime because of them. Sometimes, she goes days without talking to me just to hang out with them. And then she makes very pathetic excuses as to what happened.
So many things have happened between us cause of her friends. She has taken pills that could have killed her, cheated on me twice (that i know of), hides things from me, lies, denies me time, and so on and so forth.
I am still with her, however, because I really do love her. And she acts so perfectly when she FINALLY offers me time.
Then i change my mind about leaving her... and that's how we've been passing all this time.
It is so pathetic. I really adore this girl, and I've finally realized that she just wants to be young... she wants to enjoy her life. It is sad that she can't see that joy with me, but I am tired of begging her to try. It's not her, you know?
She loves her friends, and that's all there is to it.
I don't hang out with friends just to be with her... and then i come home and realize that she's hanging out with her friends instead. That really stabs my heart but i can't do anything about it. Because it is her right to be free and do whatever she wants. I do get upset though, but that's my own fault for having no friends.
I understand that it is not healthy to be the way i am, but I can live with it. I'm not bothering my gf anymore, sometimes i do initiate discussions about it, but i try to let her be right...
I really try to not get mad.
I just don't like her friends because I believe that they are a bad influence to her. She says i should trust her, she'll do the right thing. But, my argument is that I've trusted her before, and she's let me down. Why should I keep trusting?
why?
Because i love her, i should.
Man, my advise is to do a self check. You know yourself better than anyone else. In the beginning, I didn't end the relationship because i had faith that she'd change.
I can't discredit her, she has changed quite a bit, and so have I.
I don't regret being with her or having stayed with her. In fact, I am really looking forward to spending my life with her, and she says the same.
But man, please really think about it, scan ahead and see if you are willing to sacrifice time, patience, friends, etc for her.
Look at her and really analyze your situation. I really wouldn't want my girl to bring bad habbits to my relationship. I'll tell you, once my girlfriend starts bad habbits (god forbids), i am ending everything. I'll have no choice.
I don't want her bad habbits be a part of my family, I don't want any future kids to act like that and have an excuse of "well, mom does it!".
Those are some things to consider..
Let her hang out with her friends, let her be herself.
Try not to get mad, but do communicate with her that you would like to spend more time with her.
If she is not mature enough to understand that, you two have no business at all.
There's not magic in this, it is as simple as you two are ready to commit to eachother, or not.
Commitment is not the same as obligation, so keep that in mind when she hangs out with her friends. But if she really starts to hang out with them more than you, leave her. That's what i'd do.
(and the people that think that this is a childish answer, please realize that this is comming from someone who has been in this type of relationship for over two years).
Best regards,
Alpine....
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (11 February 2007):
 Ha! Had already answered this before.
Whoops!!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (10 February 2007):
I have only read your question, not the other answers in order that I might give you my opinion without it being 'contaminated' by other opinions.
Well, here goes.
Issue one "Since we've been going out i havent hung out with a single friend and it doesnt seem to bother me but it bothers her."
Honey THIS should bother you. You are becoming entirely dependant on one individual for all your emotional and happiness needs and this is not healthy. Plus, if it bothers her then the chances are she will find this dependence intolerable at some point and may even move on/dump you when it gets to much. Having friends outside of any relationship is a healthy and normal thing to do at whatever age! Otherwise what will the pair of you talk about other than yourselves? Familiarity breeds contempt is a saying I believe in wholeheartedly!! It doesn't mean you ahve to break up, just go easy on the being entirely 'centred' on her.
Issue two."We've been arguying for days now about this and i dont want to brake-up with her but it she doesn't go my way i might have to."
Read that phrase again a few times and then tell me if you don't think it smacks somewhat of being a control freak? Her freinds make their own choices and although you or I may not agree with them, we have no right to tell them not to do what they are doing. PLUS, your GF has the right to make her own choices as well and that includes choices which may or may not be 'mistakes' in your eyes.
You don't like her freinds because of some aspects of their behaviour...she does. Now she is loyal to her friends. You want her to dump her friends in order to 'control' her and 'have he rall to yourself'. That is totally unhealthy and you need to look at your motivation for behaving this way.
I think ultimately you two are going to split up. AND, I think she will instigate it if you don't get your control freak tendencies in order.
I know oyu will not like this answer, but you asked for help, and this is the truth as I see it.
Good luck.
x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007): My thoughts are that, well, you're not overprotective. I think you just want what someone older than you wants and your girlfriend wants to be younger. Maybe you have to spell out the situation to her, tell her she has to grow up a little, and that you want someone you can trust to be there, not someone who is high all the time, and looking for a hookup. Black and white my friend. You want to be "on your front porch looki'n in" and maybe she still wants to "get it started". -That's my two cents. Best of luck my friend!-Robert
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2006): Tell her how you feel. If she still wants to be friends, then dump her ass. Trust me I am having the same problem. I should really take my own advice.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (17 March 2006):
I think you both have a lot of growing up to do. You say you have dropped all your friends for your gf? That is slightly wierd, we all need more than one person to fulfill our needs and by putting pressure on your gf to behave the same way as you is being too demanding. You are trying to control her. Give it up. Grow up and try to stop being so aurthoratitive over her life. You have tried to get hjer to see sense and it hasnt worked. Move on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): Dump her, you don't need the aggrevation, I'm going through the same thing, just dump her
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 January 2005):
 Dear Chris,
It's obvious that you don't care for the type of people that your girlfriend likes to hang around with. They seem like partying types who want your g/f to rave with them exclusively and they seem to be ignoring your relationship with your g/f by trying to get her to see other guys. Those are good reasons for you not to like those people.
But you have to remember: you can't control another person's behaviour and you don't own your girlfriend. So you don't have the authority or the right to keep her away from those people. Only she can make that decision.
Your g/f, for whatever reason, likes spending time with this group. That might be partly in response to your own behaviour. You say yourself that you're "jealous" and "overprotective", and your g/f may just be rebelling because she feels that she's being smothered by your constant watching and attention. What you see as adoration, she might regard as an intrusion.
Another possibility is that this is just the way that your g/f behaves. She might just like to party and may not be ready for exclusivity with you, so she might not be as perfect a partner as you think.
Chris, you really, really need to take a step back from your g/f and give her some space to be herself. Talk to her in a calm voice and without accusing her or demeaning her friends, and tell her something like this: "The way you act when you're with them is so different to the way you are with me that I worry about you. I get scared when I see you drinking and taking drugs and I worry about something bad happening to you." Let your g/f talk if she wants to. Don't interrupt her and don't accuse or blame her. After all, you want to find out what's going on, don't you? Listen to what she says and make up your mind that you want BOTH of you to be happy. Maybe that means you break up, now or for a while, or for good. Maybe that means she will agree to have a few nights a week with her friends and a few nights with you alone.
If you decide that she's more interested in her friends and their lifestyle than she is in you, then she's not the kind of person I would vote as "the one" for you. A person like that needs some time to grow up, so you might want to give her some time to do that.
And Chris, you need to remember that, however much you dislike what she does, you can only ever express an opinion about your g/f's behaviour. You can't keep her away from those friends and you can't force her to see things your way.
In the meantime, Chris, see you other friends, do some things that you enjoy with them. Get out and relax a bit! There's an old saying: "Familiarity breeds contempt", and it means that you start to hate something that you have to see all the time, if you never get a break from it. That even includes boyfriends!
Good luck.
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